SoMe ReAsOnS To SmIlE

Lyf is a mystery .... no one knows which moment cud bring another disaster......but der are certain moments which were special, are special and will always remain so.......here are some moments close to my heart (dedicated to my best pals)

> a tight hug from geet everytym we meet
> to pakaofy Tanuj wid all silly talks, discuss all fishy things wid him...and den laugh lyk insanes
> to give endless lectures to neha wen everytym she commit the same mistake
> to blackmail anupama emotionally and finally make her ready to go for a movie
> to abuse mayank lyk nething and get d same reply everytym "main to janwar hu"
> to listen to all rubbish talks of ankita without getting any word what shez actually trying to say
> to discuss all senseless "professional problems" with Sankalp bhai but still gt no solution of it
> to jst talk talk and talk about the tym wen we all were together
> to plan a reunion every now n den and end up wid nothing :-(
> a cute sms wen least expected
> to fight wid some n hung up ur cel and decide not to talk to him/her anymore...and after a minute again gt a call from him/her n talk fr another hour
> midnight talks
> yahoo conference and a cup of coffee
> to view all old pics and videos and smile wid tears in eyes
> to get nostalgic after visiting a place whr u had ol d fun wid ur frnds once(Taj mohotsav dis tym...missed u guys)
> to listen a song dedicated by special someone
> to re-read all old chats and conversations
> to find an old note in ur pocket after ages
> wen u desperately wants to talk to someone and find that derz still some balance left in ur cel
> wen sum1 says "sab sai hai...dun wry...m der."
> to wake up in the morning and find dat derz still and hour to sleep
> to realize dat derz still raining outside



We all have millions of reasons to feel sad and cry...still der are some moments which could make u smile for a while....................

Is this the way I am?

I dunn kw y m gettin so obsessed wid things? Why everytym I get close to something I consider it to be mine? And when it go away it gives pain. Why cant I take things normal like others? Why do I become so possessive with anything and everything closely related to me? Why everytime expectations arise to make me crash again in disappointment and regrets? I am fed up and tired of this attitude of mine. For few seconds world seems to be so nice and amusing place to live but within fraction of seconds it looks ugly and repulsive. I need colours... red, blue, orange all around....as I am nauseated with this black n grey..
When most of the world sleeps at night.....I dun feel a drop of dizziness in my eyes...When they smile to see the morning ,I curse it.....When they laugh, I whoop...When they like sunrays, I love moonshine....When they want summer, I pray for winters to come.....when they want silence, I want to shout out loud....When they want to celebrate, I want to mourn.....When they love parties, I prefer graveyards.
I still dont know that world doesnot belongs to me or I do not belong to it? Is there any problem or this is the way I am and will remain lyk this forever? Why I want to over exhaust myself with more and more work? Why loneliness scared me but solitude is my crush? What I actually wants to see everytym I peep into the mirror?
Whats there in those eyes? Why they smile and suddenly shed tears? Why a new phase starts and finally ends up in meeting the previous one? What is the ultimate fate of this life?

Valentine's Day.......worst den eva!!!!!

Woww.....wat a Valentine it is going to be. Superb. Awesome. And as expected. Sunday.....plans ws to wake up late in the morning..den sme tym to freak out wid frnds....yeah...with FRIENDS....but its ok u know...Valetine is not only about so called Lovers....so ..yes.Friends will be fine.Then some shopping(for me offcourse.....yes i love purchasing gifts for myself every valentine....) and then conferencing on messenger wid buddies far away.....If not special then atleast could have made better than other days...



But....Kintu....Parantu....how could I make plans which could turn out to be successful.....Office today.....I mean can u believe....sunday, Valentines day....all d ppl around ll b goin to njoy....and I ws sittin in my office with piles of work on ma table...number of mails in my mailbox...[n dat too all official ones :-( ] .... Ahhh......awesome...wat a life this is.......hell full of shocks (my supervisor calls it Surprise...huhhh)...i mean how god could be so rude.....(ok nw dats a bit of exaggeration) and above all I have to feel "happy happy" all the tym......
Somehow got a half day so decided to cal frnds @ home and to have a sort of pool party.......and guess wat? All of dem r engaged in some or othr work......n m sitting here at my place...listenin to sme freakin music....writtin this crap for no reason... online wen der is no one to talk...i mean no one....not a single person is online except for me.....reason being....yes...dey r not "velle" enough to sit and chat on Valentine's eve atleast..and above all my home has been conquered by my bro's frnds......all 13-14 yrs teenagers.....doing all shity talks n things n irritating me.......Wow...can u expect a sunday + Valetine better den this????? Bugged up

P.S : Just a state of an insane mind!!!

Untitled

I dont know wat has happened but I cant write my thoughts down. A feeling so bizarre has emerged dat pain too has become numb. Days are passing and nights are moving away as if sand fron fist. Want to hold so many moments scattered around. When tryin to catch one, other runs away. Lyf from past few days has took a strange turn, and finding myself walkin on a path known long back. Dont want to answer any question, dont want to think wats right and wrong....just doing wat hearts promt me to. Some sins give more gratification wen done intentionally.

What If????????

What if one day everything around me becomes blurr...what if one day i'll loose my frnds..what if one day i become "who?" to the ppl close to me..what if one day i become nothing more than a story? what if..............................
Der was a phase between my 10th and +2 ...a phase when i have to left my school...a place where i spent 12 yrs of my life.......losing frnds, acquaintance, teahcers, classes......to be in a place so new..unknown....Class 11th....first day..i was terrified, alone,anxious..not knowing where to go...with whom to talk....will i be able to make new friends? will i be able to make a place in their life? will i be able to make myself "Known" to the ppl here? Time passed and I became an important part of this new crowd....Crushes, laughter, bunks and studies...all were almost perfect at der own place.....I made cluster of new frnds here.....lyf was complete, I was saturated...or what I call "satisfied".
Farewell..Boards...exams....studies...and finally end of Phase 1. I was amazed to notice that I was a complete different person when i complete schooling...I learned not to take lyf as it comes, to adjust with the situations, to accept things as they are......But to fight for the things and your rights....I became a confident and a bold person. Ready to face the challenges of life and this tym...I wasnt feeling frightened to face to new world....lack of suppleness is not that a bad thing i thought.
And den comes Phase 2...."College". I was still the same arrogant person. But this phase was different. I was now facing a real world..a world full of uncertainities and risk...A world just different from my previous world. I made my own world here...made friends whom I can never forget in life....spent moments which i'll cherish forever..and I met love...that was a phase so real and so close to my heart. I lived countless life, thousand lively moments. Learning was a different thing but implementation was wat i applied here. Our faculty always used to say designing a software is not enough until you implement it. How true.Life found new dimensions.
But then, life cant always be the same. Its lyk economic cycle. If their is a boom, then der will also be a slowdown..and then how my life could be an exception? As the time passes, I lost many things in this gamble.And most impotantly lost the REAL me.But then life always compensate the losses.I may have lost myself but got beautiful memories to linger on....friends ready always to stand by my side.
But for how long could they stand beside me? for how long could I live in this virtual world? For how long could I avoid the real things? One day I have to left them...I have to go far from this place...and have to face the ugly things...With those beautiful moments der were things which has made me to lose myself...that pain, that agony one day again will rise....closing my eyes could not change the fact....what if it will come back again in the most unexpected way...what if I will never be able to forget those things? What if I will never be able to live a normal life? What if one day everything around me becomes blurr...what if one day i'll loose my frnds..what if one day i become "who?" to the ppl close to me..what if one day i become nothing more than a story? what if..............................

Amorphous

She wasnt prepared for that moment...infact she had never thought of taking such a decision...she was not strong enough to face it alone..but that has to be done....for how long could she carry burden of a dead relation...a relation with no future, with no name, with no lyf of its own.....she decide to do that during her journey....amidst noise, crowd, fog....in a place unknown....Delhi station....a place where no one kws her and so no one could see her tears....her fingers were almost trembling while she was typing some text .....this was the fifth tym she wrote something and deleted it....choosing the right word has always been a problem with her.....her heart was crying like a new born baby.....she closed her eyes , her heart missed a beat.....
She knows deep in her heart the reason of that decision.....it wasnt the uncertainity of their future, it wasnt either that she wanted to give sme name to der nameless relation.....but reason was that she wants d one to whom she texed to be happy.....she knew that her absence wont make much difference in his life(not either does her presence made any)......but she was tired...tired of makin a place in his life....tired of the fear of losing him....he wasnt her neways.....but she was afraid....uncountable sleepless nights she has spend....unnumbered catastrophic days has faced...and today here she is...standing in the middle of nowhere...with a tear in her eye and thousands of thought runing across her mind.......but he ...sitting miles away ...without any mere idea of wat she is going thru......may be coz he has find his way...coz he has find "her"......to whom he belongs.......though she always knew that she would come back someday....and today she has.....and now he is hers......all hers'....................................


Why lyf always shut its door when shez at the doorstep????.....

Memoirs

How often I get this feelin of being lost, of being many person caged in one body...to forget everything and everyperson associated with me and my life and to start of again from point zero. To be in a place so unknown and strange....to stand in between the road at night ..and vehicles hasting in every direction around me...to run...run lyk insane till i reach the point infinity, to hear clamor instead of voice, to shout.... where there is no one to question my deeds, where I dont have to feel quilty for my pessimism attitude....where there is no one to exhibit sympathy....as I am tired of such humanity of others. Why dont they understand I dont need them,I love to be alone...I am happy with the way my life is. I dont like socializing with people around..I like strangers....I love spending tym with an unknown person sitting miles away from me, or sitting next to me...neither he is bothered with my life nor do I. We both are happy with our own space and yet we smile at each other. I am happy for limiting my social circle from fifties of friends to merely 3-4. I love sitting in a cafe for hours alone when everyone around me is having a company. People first gave a bizarre look watching me sitting alone, but then for how long could my loneliness be a centre of concern for them....2-3 days and then they too get used to it....now the cafe boy dont give a puzzled look...instead welcome with a smile and make my cappuccino ready in minutes.
Yes, ppl may find me frustated. I also may not be a stable person..one moment I may feel very happy but other second I fill my heart with sorrow. One moment I want something desperately but other moment I may crave for something else. I have my own world ...my own ways of being happy...my own reasons to feel sad. But this is me, and I dont feel ashamed of anything.

P.S.:I never said, "I want to be alone." I only said, "I want to be left alone." There is all the difference.