A Part of ME!!!

*There are these deep thoughts running through my mind...still I am blank.A sort of fear, pain , pleasure I am feeling....yes, all at the same time.Reason is something I never get an answer for.

*I love nights...the darkness hide many mysteries beneath its shadow..conceal wildest of desires, the insanity of love.

* People suffocates me, I like being alone..with my thoughts and some old memories.Crowd makes my heart feel uneasy. I Sometime feel like an alien , as I feel so awkward at times coz I cannot feign like them ..laughing, shouting, talking without reason.

*I love crying out loud..with my eyes getting red and swelled. It gives a sense of satisfaction, of being alive. It makes me feel the fervor of being in love..to feel the pain.

*I kind of remain normal during day but as the night comes closer, I feel as if I am an entirely different person..the feelings, the thoughts, the desires...they all changes...completely. I feel scared sometime for my own thoughts.I cannot talk with everyone during this time. I ponder my mind on numerous bizarre issues.And as the day falls in...the thoughts vanishes..as if they were never mine.

* People find it difficult to understand me and my thoughts and I find it really hard to match my frequency with them. In all these years I have not found a single person who understand the REAL ME. One deduce one part of my being while other others'. It haunts me..this thought..to never find a person who can understand the complete me.

*Relationships are my big time enemy..or better say I am theirs'. They never stay with me for long. Whenever I try to befriend with them..they ditch me..in the middle of ocean. And so, I detest them now..but then..even hate has some part of love in it.

*I love to be a scorpion, a true one.And I like being with TRUE Scorpions too.I like the mystries they keep with themselves, the aura they have around them, the dominating power, their eyes..so full of mystries. But I also envy few..for being more powerful in thoughts, for being more enigmatic and more dominating.






Thoughts are endless tonight..perhaps I should stop here. Few things in life should remain undisclosed...

Deleted few things today.Few memories, few conversations and few messages.They were close...very close but were junked.Could have deleted them all...but want to keep them...because this is what I want..to keep few memories till the last breath of my life. Difference is..this time I will decide the essentials for my being and memories. Self realization is a things which changes the way you look at things. Living without the "basics" of life is not that a tough task...no mobile, no chats, no long talks, no social networking for sometime.The purpose in not to become a hermit but to realize your dependencies...to find your limits of living without them.
This time I am not alone..but seclude from the world around.This time I asked memories to be with me for sometime now. Memories of beautiful past...of being in love..of loving someone with craze ans passion. Yes, Being in love is a beautiful feeling..and I think it should not depend on the presence of that person with you...coz its not the physical presence that matter but the madness of his/her memories, the feeling of loving him with your soul, the purity of your relation...no matter if its nameless. I am happy today with the fact that I loved someone with all my heart and I still do...to a limit that even his absence does not effect the way I feel for him. Infact in all these years, my intensity of loving him has only increased.
I still am unaware of my desires, what I want...but for the time being...things are going fine.

A sojourn to oblivion...

After spending the last two days with myself and thinking in what direction my life is rolling, I decided to give a second chance to life and live in a way my heart wants to. Last few years have really been tough and has changed a lot of things inside me. The way I treat life,things and people around me. How I define Love and hatred, how I feel about the little beautiful things around. I realized that I am getting obsessed..with people, with things, with any and everything around. My expectations with people are dying but at the same time are getting hell lot of strong with few people...and this thing hurts...the "Extremes" of anything. I realized that I either HATE something lyk hell or love it like insane...I cant remain neutral with things.The GIRL I was and a person I am today...are completely opposite..undoubtedly I love to be the former. But few scars just cant be healed and so I cant be the same sweet girl I used to be...but yes an effort could be made to atleast get a fraction of it. My life has been rushing with a speed of a light year...things has been changing drastically within a fraction of second... missed a lot of things and happy moments in this journey...but now I want life to be slow...for sometime atleast. I want to see the world around me...world unknown to me..unexplored, pristine and want to re-live few moments.
And henceforth...I am taking some time off from this life..not because I dont like this one..its just that I want to know the "Me" in me...I want to know why things are getting worst from worse in my life...why I am losing everything...relations, freinds, confidence...everything. I dont know what will happen tomorrow...and now I dont care. I dont care If I get into a good college or not, if I get my dream job or not..I am ready to work even for few pennies if that satiate my soul. I have always been so anxious about things in my life, my career, my future....and even after burning midnight oil, things are not going my way..then why to get afraid of??
So..I am excluding myself from all the social activities...talking, chatting ...going out with friends...answering stupid questions about past...talking about future...holding expectations from those someones'....everything....everything which hurt and makes my heart weep. I am not angry with anyone..nor any single person holds the responsibility of my decision...Its what I want to do for myself..for sometime.


(P.S.One request for my few friends here...plz dont ask any question and please dont give any call to ask for the same. Their is a great possibility that I will not be able to receive your calls..dont take things otherwise..as soon as I feel right I myself will give a call to all of you..this is just a time off....for few days.And yes...this is the only place I am not going to lose contact with ]

Love,

Mujhe accha nhi lagta koi aur naam ho tujhsa...
  Koi tujhsa ho to naam tujhsa rakhe...

A story that was...

"I dont know why, since when and for what reason...but I have started liking you...Err...I mean I like you...yeah..I do...I mean.."

"Hehehhe....are you kidding me? hah Love?? You? Me? We?. Come on ..this is too good to be true.haha...I cant stop laughing. ok(after a deep breath)..okk....I know its 1st april today...and I dont want to be a bakra for sure..so better luck next time."

"Come on...dont say that...it take a lot of guts you know..to propose a girl...dont laugh like that."

"So..you proposing me right? haha....ok now its too much....and its already too late...and I am going"

":-( :-("

"What???? dont make these faces now..these are not going to help you...I know its a joke ok...will talk to you after a day..huh....now bye..gn"

*She is offline now*

"Plz say yes....I love you and promise to love you till eternity. Please."

"I dont know...I dont feel the same for you...I need some time to think..what if even after coming into a relation i will not be able to love you? That would be unfair with you..and I cant do that...we are friends...very good friends and I dont want to lose friendship for love..hope you understand"

"Take your time...but plz dont say no...I cant live without you."

"I love you"

"I love you too. I never thought I would be saying this but yes..I too have started loving you...I feel that urge to talk to you...to just have a glimpse
of you..to feel you by my side.This feeling is beautiful...Love is beautiful I am glad to have you in my life."

...and they kissed.
"I told you..kisses are beautiful"

"Yes they are..."

"Hey why are you crying?"

"Dont know...never expected this much from life. Promise me...you'll never leave me"

"I promise...."

and he kissed her forehead.


Their first kiss.The piety of first love and first kiss is so beautiful that one wants to preserve it for eternity.Novice love is always beautiful...like a new born baby...pure..clean..away from the contamination of world.

"You coming?"

"I am strucked up here....Arnisha is not feeling well...I have to take her to Hospital.Plz wait there..I'll come within half an hour"
"hmm..ok...take your time...I am waiting"

After one hour
"Hi....where are you?"
"Still in hospital. Arnisha wants me to stay with her...It won't look good if I leave her this way...but Ravi has come...He will stay here with her..I am leaving in 10 mins"
"Ohkk..I am waiting"

After one hour
"You coming na?"
"I am so sorry baby...Arnisha is insisting too much to stay."
"Hmmm....its ok....We'll meet some other day. You take care of her"

"Where are you?"
"I am with Arnisha....she has to go for an interview so insisted me to take her for shopping...will talk to you in night"
"ok"


"Why did not you picked my call?"
"I was busy"
"20 calls and not a single reply? This much busy you are?"
"Hmmmm..."
"You hurt me by your deeds.....you have changed a lot."

"I dont like Arnisha.I know she is your friend but I dislike her closeness with you. You know she likes you...and despite knowing that we both are in relation she do things to show that she mean more to you than me."

"Hmmm..."

"What hmmmm...."

"You know Arnisha has lost a lot of weight...she looks so cute....She was saying that I look good in Blue...."

"Why arent you talking to me?? "

"Stop crying....look at your face....have you ever noticed your dark circles? Look at your eating habits? You need to lose some weight. And plz stop crying....its adding nothing but pimples on you face"

"You are not talking to me...I have been crying for the last 4 days....you dont care to talk and talking about how I look?"

"You are vulnerable....victim of obsession...cant hep it..talk to you later ...bye"

"Why are you doing this? "
"I need some time....I cant think of our relation going further"
"Dont do this please....I cant live without you"
"Bye"

"I am leaving this city tomorrow morning..Take care"

You know what...your memories are more guileless,
They don't leave me alone even in my dreams...........

A Blissful Day......

Its sometime so good you know..to get your things back...even for a fraction of second.This is life i believe...its not about to grudge for the things you lose or dont have..life gives immense pleasure to cherish for little moments.
Two incident happened today which really made me think life is something you cannot control..you cannot plan...it gives you the things in a most unexpected way if it has to.I was surprised when saw a blog update of a person...this person was my school mate..its been years since we had a talk....we both are a part of each others frnd list ... I was literally surprised to see a blog of her. Never ever in my lyf i could thought of her writting. Its not that she dont have that plethora of thoughts to write...she is quite an intelligent girl....but dont know why...well...after reading few posts by her the only thing I realized is...life really is unexpected. Things has changed a lot....a lot...and so has she. But the things is..I felt good…reason I don’t know..neither do I want to.
For the last 1-2 yrs I have really tersed my social circle. There was a time when my friendlist was so long that a whole community cud be made from it. But today there are very few people I like talking to ….and these people really hold a vry important place in my life. I do not feel any sort of guilt by admitting the fact that I ignore people because I could not match my frequency with them…the reason why my fb frndlist is too small. I am not a hermit but yeah enjoy my own space. Amidst these few frnds only 3 are there who really plays a signicant role in my life. I give a damn to this world if I have these three ppl wid me…and I really do. A small ignorance from their side makes me go insane. But for the last few months there was something missing in my nexus with one of them…I know he has his own life but the level of possessiveness I have for my relations really get on my nerves sometime. I really loathe this habbit of mine and have tried a lot to change it…but this is the way I am…I am demanding for my relations and my things….though I really have changed a lot and try to give a lot of space to it..but at some point of time..it hurts. Neways..after a long long tym we both talked like before. And it really really made me very happy.
I don’t care for tomorrow now…neither Am I demanding for things to remain same as today…its too much to ask for…but for today..I am happy….and that is more important I believe..to enjoy the present moment.
P.S(for those three musketeers: This does not mean that my possessiveness for you has vanished…I still am hell lot of demanding fr it )