Here it is again...my old friend...CHANGE!

Change is the only thing that has always topped the chart of the things I detest the most. And here it is again….the change..standing right at my door….making all those promises of hope, happiness and of a better tomorrow. Two year back….right at this time…this same change stood at my door…giving away all those assurances of a better life…of a blissful tomorrow. I don’t know what I gained in all these two years….but I definitely know what I lost. I definitely do!

And this is the reason I have always abhorred this guest…this is the reason why I always avoided this uninvited thing who has always crossed the boundary without even seeking permission and making all those big alterations in my life I never welcomed. It’s catastrophic. These changes. But I had things and people to lose then. And today…I am not afraid but only nervous of the tomorrow. Maybe coz I don’t have anything to lose now. Maybe because I already have lost the things I was most afraid to lose. Maybe that’s why this time….I am not running, but smiling at this guest standing right in front of me. Or rather laughing.

What a tragic thing life is. You feel scared when you have everything. And you laugh back at life when you have nothing. Loss does that effect on you. You tend to accept things you hated once. You tend to look back and think…’Gosh! That was huge.’ Things you went through. But it has the other side too. It left a hole…a void deep inside your soul. You not only lose fear…but along with it…you lose faith, trust, love and most important thing…belief… in yourself…that you’ll ever be able to get along with life. You just get tired of watching people moving on in their lives, who, not only broke your heart and trust but promised you to be by side no matter what. Promised that their life would be nothing without you. You laughed at your own stupidity and close your eyes. Of the things around. Of the people who hurt you. Of the surroundings that could affect you more.

And here it is again…the change…of not being the people you love…of not being the one you are…of secluding yourself from everyone…maybe from your own self too…and waiting for the next big leap in life…thinking that it will wash away all the pain of yesterday…of trying to bury the past and never bring in notice to the new world you are about to enter. But deep inside…this is who you are…nothing but a puppet who would dance in the tune of future but is made from the ashes of past. Of talking to new people but expecting you could see that one face from your past again…someday…just walking down the road. Laughing at the jokes of new world whereas deep inside still smiling on the memories of yesterday!

And here I am again…standing at the edge of a new start….bringing in a new change..this time…with no reluctance but with no enthusiasm too!

Escape-Insanity!

A lot has been done. Literally…a lot…to find an escape. Find none! And amidst this entire search for a door to run away….or a mere window…I lost all my sanity. Not that I had it in abundance…but whatever little piece of sense and sagacity I had…I lost it all.

And the consequences? Today…everything…almost everything makes me sick. The act of being smart by dolts….the noise of endless dramas by daily soaps…the infinite questions that the mind raise every other second….the stupidity of the heart to hurt itself over and over again….the thoughts of second chance….the endless fight between the mind and the heart….the apologies…the lies…fake emotions….the corruption which is never gonna end…the fights against it…the undue fasts….prayers….noise of guns made by the soldiers in the games my brother play….

And then…there are people. They make me sick. The fake and hollow persona they carry. Fake emotions. Fake words. Lies. The masks. The sham. Where are the real faces? Where are the true emotions? Why is it so hard to be the one you actually are and for god sake be a man for once to stand up to it. No courage is required to tell a lie. It is an action of a coward. It takes a real man and guts to stand and tell the truth. The real story.

I hate people who just run away from the situation. Thinking they are strong to turn their back when in actual they are the biggest chicken-hearted and timid people on earth.

During my graduation days…one of my mentors said to me once…that this is a mutual beneficial society. People …even your best of friends are with you for a motive. And let that moment arrive…you will be left alone…within a blink of an eye. How true she was. I miss such real people around.

For the moment…I just have trash around me…and all these noises and these people have snatched my sanity. I couldn’t find any escape except to shut the doors. To shut the doors of my life for some time. There is nobody in to go out….and for some indefinite time….no one would be allowed to enter the gate too.

I guess isolation is the only need of the hour. The only escape for the moment! Before I get ready and start a new journey…which is close….very close!

Come wake me up!

She waited there. Half an hour. She should have known. He is always late. He said 4:30 pm. She said 5. They settled at 4:30. He asked to come before time. And like always....he was late. She thought of nothing. Of no reasons this time. Neither of the consequences. Of going there…again. Sometimes..you need to let go of the reasons..and do what your heart says.

They sat there. At the same old place. Same old chair. After almost an year. The last time they sat there was June 2012. Right before a day he was to leave the city. Things were so different then. Who could have thought that one year later..they were sit there…just like known strangers. Thinking every word before spilling them out. Talking of things that are so formal…not so important. Career. Job. Et all.

The place was changed too..a bit. There were new things on the menu. New people over the counter. But what has not changed was the aroma….the magic of the place. This place has always been special for them. Right from the first patch up to the first big fight. From the numerous sort outs to the countless laughter. Maybe that’s why….they doesn't even have to decide the place. They both knew where to meet.

It wasn't awkward…but it wasn't the same too. The eyes were more on phone or on the people around then to be on each other. The ‘thing’ was gone. The comfort was missing. Nothing to talk about. Nothing to share. The eyes said million things. That it could never be the same again. Not even closer to what it used to be. It was more of an obligation that was to be fulfilled. The zeal was missing. The intention lacked. It wasn't a mistake. But it wasn't a right decision too. And then, the guy over the counter played the song:

Yeah the whole thing begins
And I let you sink into my veins
And I feel the pain like it's new
Everything that we were,
Everything that you said,
Everything that I did and that I couldn't do
Plays through tonight

Tonight your memory burns like a fire
With every one it grows higher and higher
And I can't get over it, I just can't put out this love
I just sit in these flames and pray that you'll come back
Close my eyes tightly, hold on and hope that I'm dreaming
Come wake me up

Turn the TV up loud just to drown out your voice, but I can't forget
Now I'm all out of ideas and baby I'm down to my last cigarette
Yeah, you're probably asleep deep inside of your dreams while I’m sitting here crying and trying to see
Yeah, wherever you are baby now I am sure you moved on and aren't thinking twice about me
And you tonight

~Come wake me up,RASCAL FLATTS

P.S: It was weird but amazing...the song that played...so right...so right for the moment.

Making the ones you love, hate you!

The stakes are high. Very high. To make the people you love, hate you. It rips your heart. Totally. Being bad or acting like the vamps. Portraying a picture of yours that you are not worth loving. Or even remembering. Creating a situation where mere name of yours will bring back so much hatred in their heart that they choose not to even think about you. Let alone remembering you. But the stakes are high. Very high infact.

But sometimes, this is what you have to do. Not thinking about your own heart. Your pain. Your suffering. But to think about them. To release them from your memories. Coz you are making them not forgetting you. They may have moved on…but somewhere…deep in their heart…are your traces. So why not create a picture that they loath. You know. Like really loath. More than monday mornings. More than broken heart. More than midnight tears.

And you do this…coz you love them so much to see them in any pain. You care too much to see them even remembering your name. You love them too much that you have to make them hate you. Coz you know…they are good without you. Coz you have seen them laughing their heart out without you. Coz you know…not being with them is the best thing you could do for them.

And about you….you sit on your couch…thinking about them..letting them go…setting them free…dropping silent tears from your eyes…and writing this. Tearing your heart one million times. Sitting here….with a kaput soul…and memories. You don’t know what went wrong…when things got so absurd. Whose mistake it was? Or was it just life?

You know…life is not good or bad..it is just…LIFE! You can’t fight with it. It would only make you more wrecked. So what you do? You give up. In the name of love. In the name of friendship. In the name of people you love..irrespective of what they feel…irrespective of the hatred…irrespective of the history….of the loneliness you are living with…irrespective of the void they have left…the deep hole in your heart. Thinking everyday…that all those things happened for a reason….that it was no-one’s mistake. Watching them moving on..when you still are standing on the same road....at the same place. And years from now…when your name would bring only a blur memory of yours…you will still be remembering them…standing on the same road…waiting at the same point…where you saw them the last time.

Yes…the stakes are high. Very high indeed!

This is how...my LOVE is!

I am a lover. A hopeless romantic. No, I do not fantasize that some Mr.Right is gonna come on white horse or other such stories. But my love has a different definition. I guess we all have. Somewhere.

I could love you only with my eyes. I won’t utter big words. I won’t do big things. But I would write poems for you. Endlessly. I would sit all night to write notes for you. When the time is hard…I won’t say ‘I am there’..but instead…I will be there..standing right beside you. Even if you could not see me..trust me…I am right there..watching every step you take…counting every breath of yours. And if you fall….I would catch you…and even if I fail…I promise I would wipe your tears.

I could watch you sleep all night…absorbing every little detail of your face…the curve of your nose…the length of your eyelashes…the shape of your lips…the slant of your forehead…how your chest goes up and down everytime you breathe. I would know which line of a song makes you sad…which scene of a movie would make your heart cry. I may not say soothing words when you’re low…but I would sit beside you…silently..and would hold your hand..or give you a hug.

I would send a line from a song to you at 3 A.M. Decipher it. It has a reason why I have done that. Even when I am out for shopping or just wandering…I would think of you. If the place is anywhere close to your kind..I would think of taking you there someday. I would keep track of all the things you liked or casually said you’ll buy next time…no matter how small it is…I would bring that for you…just to see that surprised smile on your face. Coz that is what matters to me.

I may not be the best lover. But I know I am best for you. Coz when I love…there is only one thing..EXTREME. Your tears would make me cry…your laugh would make me smile. I would sit up all the night coz you are awake. I would write all special dates....right from the first touch to the first hug…from the first coffee to the first fight…but would not expect you to remember them.

This is how my love is. And even if you break my heart….I may shout to hate you…I may utter all bad words…I may swear to never see your face again…but remember….Once I have loved you…like really…you will always be loved…with the same intensity…with the same extreme…with the same heart. FOREVER!

P.S
“Yes, I was infatuated with you: I am still. No one has ever heightened such a keen capacity of physical sensation in me. I cut you out because I couldn't stand being a passing fancy. Before I give my body, I must give my thoughts, my mind, my dreams. And you weren't having any of those.”
-- Sylvia Plath,

What are words, if you don't mean them!

If there is one thing I would die to keep…if there is one thing that if broken by someone, will never get my faith back…if there is one thing I could be proud of myself for...it’s the WORDS.

I have always believed in doing what I say/promise…and I ask nothing but true words from any person. Expectations? Not really. I would rather ask you not to say anything…not to promise anything..but if you do…stand by it. Nothing gets me more freaked out than fake words or words which, when u said, never mean them.

The rule is very simple. NO LIES, NO HALF TRUTHS. I could forgive you for anything…for the broken heart…for the countless tears…for whatever ill you said…for all bitching or spitefulness…but spare me from the lies. Spare me from the words you could not keep. For this…there is no forgiveness in my heart.

My father has always said “The one who could not stand by his word..is never a person to rely or to trust”. I grew up listening to that. And today if I think of one thing that is unpardonable…it’s the bogus words. People may judge me for this. But this is what I believe in. Do not make a promise if you can’t keep it..no one is going to kill you for not making a false promise. Don’t say big words if you have no intention to keep them. Nobody is dying for your ‘never-meant-to-be’ words. But if you do…be a man enough to keep them.

Many a times a person could not fulfill a promise but he has all intention to do that…or atleast he has tried enough to complete it. That’s a totally different story. But saying just for the sake of ‘saying’ or showing how much you could do when actually you don’t have guts enough to do an inch of all the big words you say….well…entertain others with the sham. Do not expect me to welcome you everytime you broke your promise or said a lie or used all those glittery words you never meant. I do not expect you to make any promise to me…I would never ask you to do anything for me…I, never in my dreams, would look forward to say anything if you do not mean it.

This is the only sin which has no escape of forgiveness. Nothing more. Nothing less.

P.S. Here are the few lines of a song I totally love. Just want to share. Give it a try :)

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them

What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they're done

When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

A zillion things...such as these!

There are like zillion of things that has been left behind. You know. A zillion. The rainbow colour frocks. Maths text books. Clips that had pink butterflies on it. Hairbands that could stretch till the point your both hands could. Red and Black in colour. The summer vacations with cousins. We could sit all afternoon in the verandah at nani’s place. Playing teacher-teacher or house-house. I never understood why we repeat that two times you know. Video games. Sunday mornings.

And then there was this strange happiness inside. Amidst all holiday homework…all the fights over trifle issues….there was this strange happiness and contentment inside. As if the whole world is ours. There is only love and love around. Whom we love…loves us back. No complications. No heartbreaks. Tears come out only at broken doll or losing a game. There were dreams. Dreams of a happier tomorrow. Like life is waiting with open hands to welcome us.

There were twinkle in the eyes. Beauty in the smile. The REAL smile. Charm on the face. No dark circles. No insomniac nights. No uneven grown nails. No red, blue ,purple ,yellow nail paints to make the ugly fingers look a little better. No compacts and foundations to hide the dead skin. There were no dresses…costing thousands of bucks..just to hide the body which is getting older and revealing the one which is not real. There were books that would take us to a wonderland and not the one which would show the ugly reality. There were no realizations. No reality checks.

I wonder what a heaven I have left behind. Saw all those dreams. Studied all night. Solved numerous math problems. For today? For this time? All those things….what for? Today?

*Sigh*