It's dark...n I am cold!

The truth is that it hurts. It fucking hurts. This reality. It pinches. Like a needle. Direct through your heart. What are we faking? What the hell are we escaping from? Insomnia? Swollen red eyes? The suffocation? The endless effort to breathe? Whom we are lying to? Your eyes which you avoid to look through in the mirror? The fake laughs when you even don't know what you're laughing for, coz your mind is fcking somewhere else? The nights you're scared to arrive? The endless T.V shows you watch just to divert your mind? What and whom you're running from? Crying your heart out all night and waking up next day as if nothing happened? Telling yourself thousand times a day that you're ok when everyone knows you're not? You're scared to talk to yourself. Coz you can't answer the questions your heart asks.

What are you searching for? An escape? Well, no escape exists! No ESCAPE EXISTS!

It's dark...m I am cold!

Acceptance!

Life actually is a collection of phases. We complete one phase and move to another. Phase of being a teenager where school life rules...crushes, colourful dresses, birthday parties and gifts…they dominate our lives for quite a time .

Then comes phase two of being an adolescence…a phase of life where everything is so exciting. College life….friends….flings…late night phone calls….hour long chats and messaging…and that immense charm on face. We fall in love…get our heart broken. Friends rule our lives for everything. Family matters but friends still top the chart. Life seems like a roller coaster. Everything looks different. We see ourselves developing, loving, failing, dreaming. We tend to think forever exists. We think that the uncountable friends we have made will stay with us forever. Love gets a new definition. Our life surrounds only by friends and dreams. We think everything will remain as it is. Nothing will change. Nothing.

And then enters the phase of reality check. Things start changing. Dreams start shattering. People, we thought as friends, some of them will leave…some will get out of contact…some will break your heart…some will move on leaving you behind. You’ll realize that forever is just an illusion. You find yourself in the middle of nowhere. You’ll fight. Fight with everything…to keep people you love….to keep your dreams alive…to keep a hope in heart. You’ll cry, shout…coz everything is changing so fast that you find it impossible to keep track or move with the same pace. It feels like a storm. You’ll lose a hell lot of things in this storm. You’ll realize you have to pay the cost for the dreams you saw…things you believed…people you loved. You’ll feel alone and everything around seems like a lie. You’ll lose love…you’ll lose faith…you’ll lose hope. You’ll start hating everything.

And then, finally, the storm will start settling itself. You’ll stop. Stop fighting...stop thinking...stop crying....stop searching....stop escaping and just ACCEPT. Accept the life and what comes in...accept that whatever happened was meant to be...accept that there is no good in fighting anymore. You will realize, that no matter what people promised, no matter what you planned, no matter what you hated , no matter how much you loved…it’s time to accept the truth. Accept that this is what life is all about…accept that love, hatred, happiness, pain…they all are a part of life. Accept that sometimes, it’s better to leave things as they are and stop trying. Accept that everything in this world comes with a life of its own. That no matter what…at the end it’s only you who have to carry your own broken pieces and move along. It’s time to understand yourself better. To be independent. To deal with your problems by your own. You have to forgive people for what wrong they did. Coz you cannot carry the burden of regrets anymore. You have to accept their hate for you but what all you could give back is a smile and good wishes. You have to accept that your life is your property…making it a liability or an asset is your choice.

Coz at the end…acceptance is the only truth. Acceptance is the only bliss. And acceptance is the only option left.

People I meet- III

Me: I wanted to end things in a good note. I don’t want to carry bad memories of something I cherished once.
He: Things never end in a good note. They end because they get worse. And if they are good…they’ll not end.

I read somewhere…Life is a journey…a journey where you meet people…about some you do not think again ever…about some…you wonder what happened to them. But there are some people who leave a mark in your life.

There are a handful of people in my life whom I really think worth of keeping around. I am not a kind of a person who just hangs around with anyone just for the sake of it. I believe in keeping very few but worthy people around. It’s all about the frequency.

I realized this from a person, that, in life..nothing is permanent. Only change is constant. There will be people who will hurt you and break you to the core…but you got to stand up with every broken piece of yours…and smile. Smile at the world that you are just fine. Because this is what life is all about.

I never thought I would ever be a friend with him. We both, being a super egoistic person…I never thought we’d be able to carry on our friendship. But we did.

You say to him you don’t need anyone and he’ll walk away only to watch you from a distant place. You ask him what pain is and he’ll say ‘nothing, but just a state of mind.’ You ask him does he hate anyone/anything? And he says ‘I can’t hate anyone’. Does he has any regret or complain with the past and he’ll smile and say ‘Past was too good to regret or complain’, despite being heartbroken.

You hate him for being what he is. You turn to be his enemy from being his once best friend, coz you just could not stand the idea of him never giving any clarification. Never defending himself. But that’s the way he is. Live with it, or leave him. He won’t complain.

Sometimes, you need someone who could make you face the harsh reality rather than ‘it’s- going-to-be ok’ talks. You need someone who could make you do the reality check. One who’ll break you only to make you immune to the pain. Someone who would never promise anything but surprise you with his actions.

We fight, throw tantrums, stop talking, making calls or even watsapping each other. But I learned from him. Despite being super secretive and being a person who hardly share or reveal the inside him, I got to know him in a way very few could. He would never miss any chance to pull my leg and fight with me for no good reason. But we end up talking without even discussing about the previous day.

I know this is not forever. Nothing is. I know there could be any day we could just get out of contact not knowing where each other are. I know most of the people differ in judging him. Yes, he is that kind of a person. He could make you hate him. Like really hate him. He could charm you with him talks and he could make you despise him with his ‘I don’t care’ attitude. But aren’t we all good for some people and bad for others?

It’s all about how you see the half filled-half empty glass. And how much a person could make an impact on you. And you know what…I don’t think about tomorrow. I don’t know what life has in store for me. Neither do I want to know who all will be with me tomorrow. I have made plans. And failed. Today, I am glad I have a few people around who are real…do not make you expect anything from them…but are there…whenever you call them.

Like I always say, it’s not the quantity…but the quality of people that matters.

बस यूँ ही

किसी के आने की उम्मीद से किसी के ना आने का विश्वास अच्छा है ,
हर दिन नयी बात पर रोने से पुरानी यादों पर आंसू बहाना अच्छा है ,
कुछ पल की ख़ुशी और फिर हमेशा के दुःख से हर पल ना मुस्कुराना अच्छा है ,
यारों की मेह्फ़िल में बदनाम होने से गैरों के साथ तबाह हो जाना अच्छा है ,
जो दो पल साथ ना दे सके ऐसे यार से बे-यार हो जाना अच्छा है,
कुछ झूठे कस्मे वादों से बेगैरत हो जाना अच्छा है,
बे-आबरू होक तेरे कूँचे से निकलने से खुद मर जाना अच्छा है ,
बेवफ़ा अब फिर तुझे खोने से खुद खो जाना अच्छा है ।

Fading away!

Everything around is fading away. Everything. You know! The terrace talks, the parking lots, the late night calls, all night chats, the messages. Graduation days. When you were with me. Always. The countless poems I wrote for you. The thousands of pictures which live in my pen drive now.

The days of all of us being together. We all. It all seems like a distant memory today. Like you wake up from a dream the next day and you don’t remember anything. Just few blur images. And the more you try to remember, the far the images go from you.

Remembering your words…which keep on echoing inside my head…makes me wonder was it really you? It feels like I was with a totally different person. What changed? I wonder. What exactly changed? And then I realize, we become a person we are with. And then it clears my doubt to an extent. How could I miss that? You are a carbon copy of someone else today. Selfish, coward, immature…not caring about anyone else…not even thinking twice before hurting anyone.

But then…why like everything else…your memories aren’t fading away? Why aren’t your voice becoming a blur image like the dreams I see every night. Life is such a smart a** you know! It is erasing every memory from my head except for yours. Every face, except for yours. Every voice………except for yours.

Hatred has always been my strength. It has made me strong. But with you…I can’t even hate you. And that’s where I failed. That’s the only point I fail. Coz it makes me weak.

Who says time heals every wound? Who the hell says that? Some wounds would never heal. There will always be some traces of the scars that the wound left behind. What will you do then?

Anyhow…the question is….why aren’t you fading away from my mind…from my memories…from my veins? Like everything else…like everyone else. You are not the first person I have lost in life. Then why aren’t you?

*sigh*

Unfinished!

We all need a closure. That moment when you know you don’t want to wait anymore…or try anymore. The moment when you know you have moved on…in life…leaving all bitter and sweet memories behind. You look back and just smile. Coz you know…it doesn’t hurt anymore. No hard feelings…no hatred or regrets. Just a smile.

But does the closure really exist? What if we have some unfinished business? Some unspoken words? Things you wanted to say to someone before you head ahead in life. Coz you know…those words, if not spoken, would never let you sleep. What if you are trying to say a last goodbye to someone but couldn’t? Coz it’s too tough…too scary. You are too used to the habit of living in pain and despair that moving on looks like a sin? Or you just want to listen to the last words? Maybe you want someone else to finish the unfinished. To say the last ‘goodbye’.

But life doesn’t works that way. And so, we have to get free of the baggage. We have to finish the unfinished. Coz at some point of time…we all reach a closure. The storm will settle itself. The obsession will pass someday. And looking back we only find things we could have done but was too coward to try. Words we could have said but found the easy way out.

Coz gradually…everything in life change….and so do we! Change may not always be for good…but that’s the way it is. Look back at yourself five years back...what a long way you have come. You may not be the happiest person. But you too changed as a person. We all do. It’s just the acceptance that we need,To get along with life.

The closure is right there….behind the unfinished.

Robin: I am never going to have closure. Okay, closure doesn't exist. One day, Don and I are moving into together, and the next thing I know, he's on a plane to Chicago. It just... ended. And, no matter how much I try to forget that it happened, it will have never not happened. Don and I will always be a loose end. We will always be-

(Shot to Ted giving a lecture)

Ted: Unfinished. Gaudí, to his credit, never gave up on his dream. But that's not usually how it goes. Most of the time it's just too difficult, too expensive, too scary. It's only once you've stopped that you realise how hard it is to start again, so you force yourself not to want it. But it's always there. And until you finish it, it will always be...

~Unfinished, How I met your Mother

I am a believer....I seek for reasons!

I am a believer. Believer of things….of circumstances…of whatever happens in life…with life. I do get off the track sometimes…but at the end…I make myself believe that whatever happens…happen for a reason. The reason may not be known to me now. Or maybe I know. Maybe.

But I am an ardent believer. And whenever I question the reason…I know I am only going to hurt myself. Not that I do not do things to hurt myself. But this one is disastrous. You know. I try to find reason in whatever happened. With me. With us. Most of the times I try and find a good reason. Like, ‘nothing stays in life forever’. Or, ‘that everything has a life of its own. And the expiry date will arrive someday’. And maybe this is the time…to let things set free. But sometimes, my mind gets bombarded with bad reasons too. Like, what if I had not taken a certain decision? Or, not have met a particular person. Or have said no at a certain event. You know! Things like that. And it is this time when I lose control and do things which I regret later.

But, let’s say, what if? What if I had ask the same question to someone else on 7th September 2007 and not you? What if we had never crossed our ways and met each other? What if I never entered that morning batch to train? What if I would have changed my mind and never sent you that video? Or never let you interact with anyone I knew? Or had not called you in that city? Would life be different then?

It’s absurd I know…to talk about ‘What if’s?’ It has no meaning…no logic. I know. But you never know, you know! But maybe this had to happen. And maybe it’s the best. For you. For both of you. I see pictures of you both….together…like really together….like we were once. I feel suffocated at first. The agony burns me. I feel- How could you? How could you be so happy and worry nothing without me? I ask myself, do you ever think of me amidst all this time? I never say ‘miss’. Coz I know you don’t…but just ‘think’? When you go to places with her…doing every possible thing you did for me once? Not caring about the world…not caring about me…not even thinking once how I would feel.

And then I get my reason. That, this is why it has to happen. So that you both could get together. And you know what? I care less and less with each passing day…watching you both together…hand in hand…talking every minute…sharing all things…careless…all over to each other…not thinking about anything…anyone. And I do not feel this need to be loved…or to love again. I miss that. Certainly. But I do not want it back. Coz this is what I have always been. Independent.

You spoiled me. In a certain way. I was dependent on you. To be happy. To feel sad. To cry. To laugh. And today, I do not find this need to be with someone. And maybe this is also a reason. You both are like this. You need people to be with. Always. You both always want someone to talk to. And that’s why you both are together.

I am waiting for a closure. When, by looking at you, I would feel nothing. And I know the day will come someday. Coz every step you take there…one step I take here. One step of yours towards her…two steps you are farther from me. But it’s ok! This all was meant to happen. Everything.

Coz everything….EVERYTHING…happens for a reason!