Is the world ready to accept the 'changed' you?

When you change your world….going from one polar region to another…you face consequences. Consequences of not being understood…or rather being misunderstood or the worst of being understood as the one you are not.

This is why familiarity is bliss at times. You do not need to go those extra miles to make someone understand that this is not who you are. The person they see is not the one who lives inside your soul. This is why sometimes getting close or getting to know to new people after a certain point of time is hard.

When we were in teens or early age of being in college…meeting new people…making friends…all this seems nothing but as natural as being at home wearing sweatpants….lying on the sofa…eating chips. But as we grow old…we make believes…and principles….about ourselves…about the kind of person we become by then. And we become so stiff and stubborn with our behavior that flexibility takes a back seat.

And then…if we meet people…we show them the face which is the result of years long learning…lessons…heartbreaks. We become the reflection of the people we met in past. We do not try to reveal the real us to the people we meet later. Somewhere scared of getting hurt…of being taken for granted. At those moments of feeling low….or alone…instead of turning to a friend or calling our parents….we tend to deal with our mess ourselves. Yes, this is the kind of ego we develop with time.

So what if the person you just met couldn’t understand you. You never expected that. Coz in real….you doesn’t understand yourself at times…and surprise…or rather shock yourself with the kind of reaction you give or the behavior you possess. So what if the people around think you are as cold as a fish and have no warmth and affection for anyone..this is what you are showing them. So what if people think you are crazy and weird and behave like a psycho at times….they have no idea of the loving and sane person that is crying to get out of this cage.

How does it matter…..how? What people think or how they think? How on the earth could their opinion hurt you? Do they have that power? Are you concerned?

But what if….what if somewhere they start to become someone from no-one. What if you want them to understand you and hold you? What if you want them to not judge you and to accept you as whom you are? Do you have the choice? Do you have the right? Do you know where you are and where your life is?

The Last Night......

It was one of those early November mornings when the winters were just knocking the door and summers have already left. You could neither wear a sweater nor could roam around wearing Ts. A typical start of November.

With her stilettos in her hand….she walked bare feet. Wearing the dress she wore for the event that happened last night in her college. She could have borrowed his T which she wore that night when she stayed at his place. But she knew that they are not going to meet again and there would be no chance to return his T-shirt back. Moreover, she did not want to carry any of his belongings with her. She could have taken an auto rickshaw. She should have. But last night when she reached his place, she asked him to keep her money. Crumped currencies of 10s and 50s.

She has not slept all night. It was her plan to stay at his place…he, his best friend, she and HER. Without knowing that it would be the last night of their togetherness, their years long nexus…more than half a decade old friendship…it would all end that night….she made the plan and she suffered.

Drunk. All of them. Conversations. Confessions.Music. And then, half asleep…half in senses...drowsy yet awake….she saw them.TOGETHER. A thousand questions raised in a second within her. A million thoughts crossed her mind. She felt suffocated. Dead. Betrayed. Not that they shared any ‘named’ relation…She and Him. But it has always been there…that extra circle…that inner line erased only for him. He has always been the most special person in her life. Her best friend. Her alter ego. Her companion, her confidante. And so has been she. Before, HER.

The moment he raised his voice on her that night, she knew it’s over. The bond. The trust. It’s all over. It was till 3 in the morning when she sat in his kitchen. Alone. Crying. Sobbing.Thinking where it went all wrong. It was 4 in the morning she asked him, she wants to leave…at that very moment.

And at 5, she stood up…legs shaking, head aching from hangover. …splashed cold water on her face…changed her clothes..kept his T-shirt she wore last night on washing machine and opened the door to leave. But before she left, she turned and looked at him….sleeping. She looked at him one last time. Briefly. His eyes…his lips…his hair she never allowed to cut short. And the mole on his upper lip. He still was the most special person in her life. A tear dropped from her left eye. All those years flashed in front of her eyes. All those moments were mere memories now.

And then…she left…with her stilettos in her hand…bare feet…chocking…she walked out….of his house….of his life….of THEIR life………………

Life and Me- Today :)

And between the yesterday and tomorrow…the moment that just went by and the moment that is about to arrive…the past and the future…I found an amazing thing. This moment. Today. Present.

Yes…yesterday does matter. Whatever we are today, it’s because of the decision we made…the things we lost…the lessons we learned….the people we met. It’s been long you know….long phase of getting to know yourself….to chase happiness…to look for good in every bad….to find reasons…to BE good with and for people who doesn’t deserve a bit of it.

But I guess…and believe..all of it helped me grow…somewhere and made me strong. Sometimes, I amaze myself..sometimes I feel shocked to see how I behave at times. But whatever it is…I definitely have started living for myself…and somewhere…loving myself too.

Pessimism…people with negative aura…and jerks trying to bring jinx in my life have no place anywhere near my life. There is no place for lies…for feign emotions….in and around me. The moment I feel someone is trying to drag me into the well of negative thoughts..I just cut them off. And I know…soon…I’l l reach a stage where no-one could affect me and my thoughts.

Sooner or later.. There will come a day...when you'll set yourself free. You know! No cage of attachments...of expectations...of getting hurt. That day..you’ll look back and smile...smile to see what a long way you have come...how much your life has changed...how much you have changed as a person.

But before that...you have to reach the pinnacle of suffering...to touch the extremes...to kill the warm and affectionate person inside you.... to wash away the pain through tears.

So...even if you realize today that you have become as cold as a fish...doesn't feel anything inside...everything around seems nothing but fake...do not panic. Coz the next step is to set yourself free. From the pain...from expectations...from all the lies....from all the attachments that aren't worth it.

It's darkest before the dawn. Wait for your dawn. Just a lil more. Do not give up. Coz you are close...close to the point when everything will just get fine!

Life may not be fair. But it isn't fair for everyone. N that's what makes it fair!

P.S. And that’s my friend…would be a closure. The final adieu. The last goodbye. And the next day when you’ll peep into the mirror…you’ll see a new you. Smiling. Happy. Hopeful. YOU.

Today...I live for myself!

And while taking the night long walk today, I realized how far I have come. In life. How, all of a sudden, I have broken all the boundaries and chose to be where I am today. I may not be surrounded by people all the time. I may not be talking and walking all day. I am doing things which maybe not appropriate or right for many. But then, who will decide what’s right and what’s wrong?

It does hurts sometime. It surely does. But then, it’s better to be away from something which is close to your heart but you know that getting closer would only bring more pain.

And what the heck! For the first time in my life…I am living for myself. Doing things whenever and whatever I want. Going anywhere without looking out for company. Being independent…both emotionally and physically. This is what I really am. And I lost this part somewhere in the tide. I may not be laughing today. But yes, I am smiling.

I stop while walking and start playing with the kids in my society. I take a pause and watch the old couple sitting on the bench…together…satisfied…loved. I peep outside my window pane at midnight and watch the clean sky…for hours. It makes me smile….in a strange way.

I don’t know things I am doing today would lead me which way. I don’t know what future has in store for me. For now, I am just living. Living life in moments.

Don't cal me back. I have lost my way back.

Say Hello Happiness!

While you are running for office in the morning, coming back with piles of work, chasing the unknown, following the rat race, putting every effort to be happy, spending grands on expensive restaurants, pubs and what not....just hold on....stop....and look around. Look around and see the innocent smile on the face of that kid who just threw the ball before you, pause and take a deep breath and feel the fragrance of lily that is growing in your garden, wakeup and and go to your balcony to view the sunrise, sit under the naked sky in the night and stare at the moon, take a long walk listening to your favourite music, see the smile on the face of the people you love.

Do you recognize that feeling? That's happiness!

Do not run after things which you cannot hold, do not wish for things which are mortal, do not bind your happiness with the people around you. Find it within. It is right there....just beneath your heart.

So, take a pause. Look around. Smile. And start walking again.

That's life. That's happiness. And that's you setting yourself free.

Trivia

How many times has it happened that you keep walking round and round in a circle? How many times has it happened that you walked away of this circle thinking it as a straight line but end up being at square one? How many times has it happened that you said to yourself that it’s over and end up doing the same thing all over again?

Haven’t we all, somewhere, have tried to escape and hold on to the same thing at the same time? Isn’t that weird that the one thing you want the most is the same thing you are trying to get away from? That your heart is crying and smiling for the same thing? What makes our mind to love and hate the same person? That you sit across a person and also waiting for him to arrive there?

Have your heart felt hollow and contented at the same time? That you could see things clearly in haze? What is it that make things so complicated that are yet so simple to understand? That you end up meeting the same person to whom you have bid the last goodbye many times? Is it that last goodbye is over-rated? Is it that we find pleasure in pain? Or is it that we close our eyes and pretend that the world has gone black?

We humans are weird, strange breed. What we want, what our need is and what we deserve…we think, are same things. And hence the vicious circle of suffering never ends. We don’t know when to actually let go….when to walk out and set ourselves free. Or is there anything like ‘letting go’ really exists? How far is too far? What is that point from where you have to part ways? Who will decide that you have reached that point? Is there any certain incident, or a particular statement or a something you see that makes you decide that yes…this is the point to bid the last adieu?

It’s absurd you know….this whole cycle of drama….and we, the humans, makes it more illogical. Who knows what’s right and what’s wrong….who knows which side of the coin it’s going to be…who knows the glass is half filled or half empty!

No Coming back!

There are few moments in your life when you feel the utter void inside your soul. No matter with how many people you’re sitting , with whom you are talking to, even when you are throwing the fake smile and the twinkle in your eye in nothing but aftermath of lost a hope, you feel that nothing-ness inside.

I left a whole world of mine behind. Yes, it did pain a lot. It did hurt. But when I was almost done gathering broken pieces of mine…the world turned back to me. And this time, the world which was mine doesn’t feel the same. It feels as if I am living in a world which is named as mine but is carried by someone else and I am just a guest there. You know, it doesn’t feel like home anymore.

And then there are questions, zillions of them, inside me ..in my heard and my heart. And no matter how much assurance I am getting this time…how many statements of ‘everything will be fine’ I listen…they all sound fake…broken…hollow. Coz what my eyes are watching and what is being assured are entirely different. And this time…I cannot take chances. I am too broken to break myself again.

I don’t know when I came this far. When I became this person that I am today. You know when you feel that you’ll bring jinx to any person you’ll be with. When you find yourself awake in the middle of the night doing nothing…with some blur thoughts. I am a changed person today. Not that I do not care or love you. I do. I have just stopped showing it. And I won’t peal a single layer of this mask till the time you make me sure that yes, things are really fine.

I walked away because of few reasons. I walked because I wasn’t entertained there. I walked coz you gave me reasons to. And now if you want me to come back…you NEED to give me reasons. Coz in all these months, I have accepted one thing. That it has ended. That, it’s a full stop now. No comma, no connecting dots…just a full stop. And I made this believe after countless sleepless nights, infinite tears, suffocation and inch broad dark circles under my eyes.

For me, there is no hope, no hope for a new beginning, no hope for a better tomorrow with you. Coz I don’t want to feel anything this time. Neither hope nor disappointment. Neither pain nor happiness. Neither smile nor tears. Coz from where I am looking, nothing has changed. We just have stop discussing things that caused argument, which caused you to give clarifications, which caused us to close and share everything. We are just strangers who talk just for the sake of it. And I don’t want that. Not this time.

I have no intention of coming back. Not like this. Not like this.