Sometimes!

Sometimes, you need reasons to stay. You know. Even a single reason. You may have gone for long. For months or maybe years. But there is still this little hope inside you. To return. To be called back. And for this, you need a reason. Not expectations. Not demands. Just a simple reason. To make yourself sure, that this time it will work. This time it will stay...not for forever. But maybe for a brief time.

But what if you doesn't get any reason. What if even after searching for long...even after waiting for long...you won't find any reason to stay?

What should you do then? Walk out? Haven't you already? And what would you ask from him to do? To give you a reason to stay? Is that a right thing to ask for?

Coz sometimes.....sometimes....things should be understood. Should be accepted. Should be given. And not said. Not asked.

What is to be done?

You know it’s like everything is running….across me…around me…and I am standing here…still…at one place…bewildered…stunned…shivering…sobbing…lost…not knowing what to do…which way to go….what to say and how to react. As if everything around is everything but not me. As if, I am not me. As if I have lost my soul. And as I stood there….clueless….soul-less….I saw myself. Right there. Standing and laughing at me on the other side. What have I done? Where am I today? What will I do next? Should I abandon this world which had left me months back or should I wait….wait for the things to slow down…to come to a halt? What should I do? What should I do?

Long walk-acceptance-memories-Me! :)

I have made it a rule….to spend atleast 20 minutes with myself everyday. All this time I have been running after things, people and what not. I wanted to hold on…to hold on time…to hold on people…to hold on everything that I had. And in this entire race I forgot that what I was trying to hold on is never permanent. Neither time…nor people. But the only thing that will remain by your side is your dignity and the only person that would walk beside you is YOU.

Today…I am in a phase where I am actually with no one. You know! NO-ONE. I wake up, go to work, come back, read/sleep/eat. And then I take a long walk. And this is my favourite part of the day. It’s not that I only think about good things and I only feel good during this walk. But yes, somehow, I feel closer to myself. I remember the good old days and smile. I remember the bad that happened and try to let it go…to forgive. I miss few people who were a part of my life once. A very important part. But I have somewhere accepted that whatever happened was for good. Sometimes, you need to let go of the things you love the most…coz holding on may cause more pain to them. And hence, you set them free. For good.

And during this walk, I think about the things I have....the things I could do....the decision that I could take for my life. I feel blessed to have a family that always supports...to let me live my life in a way that I want...to let me be independent and to discuss anything and everything with them.

I feel good to have very few but good people around...without any fake promises....without any expectations...but to be there.... I am not a girl who wants big cars n bungalows...I am not a girl with very big dreams. All I want from life is to do whatever I feel happy in...to be independent..of people...of someone else taking decisions for my life.I want to live my life on own terms....nothing more..nothing less!

I cannot be an option in anyone’s life. I cannot be dependent on anyone for any materialistic or non-materialistic thing. I have always been and will always be independent.

Yes, memories do come and go. No matter how much you try, some strands will remain in your life. But what you can do is stop trying and accept. And trust me…you will feel good.

P.S. Just when I was changing my wallet today…I found this. Yes, it does bring back a lot of memories but I was left with a wide smile on my face. It’s been around 1.5 years…and this napkin is still with me…as new as it was then.

P.P.S : And yes. My blog has made it to the list of “Directory of Top Indian Blog”, badge of which you can see at the right side above the Blog Archive. Some 571 blogs have made it to this list and yes, mine is one of them. It feels so good :)

In between!

In between all the work…non-reachable deadlines…never ending training sessions…always popping up mailbox…the bright screen of laptop causing severe headache…uncountable cups of caffeine…talks that only consist of corporate jargons…a thought crosses your mind. Or maybe a conversation or even an incident that happened long back..someday…with that someone who is not a part of your life anymore. You know, just like that. Nothing to be specific off. Just anything. And you stop. Or rather freeze. And everything around comes to a halt. You are no more aware of what is happening around..what your boss is screaming for? A gulp of air passes through your throat. Eyes become moist for no good reason. You press them hard…your eyes…to let that moment go, take few deep breathes and exhale hard. One time. Two time. Thinking that would help…for that moment of weakness.

And the same thing happens over and over again. And everytime it happen, you tell yourself that it’s gonna be ok! Someday! Oneday!

Solitude and loneliness are very similar but entirely different things. One gives you bliss while other takes all the humane out of your soul.

You look around and feel you are amidst the crowd wherein nothing is yours. No one whom you could call and say ‘I am not ok!’…no one who would ask you how have you been or the reason for the ever growing dark circles around your eyes. You realize there is actually no one whom you could talk to. And hence, every evening…after coming back from work…you lay down like a corpse. Eating without bothering what shit your maid has cooked. Watching TV just for the sake of switching channels. Taking long walk every night, after day long work, just to tire yourself so that you could sleep at night.

It’s a strange thing you know. Like a string. You lose one person and with him go the whole chain of people you called your friends or people you were somewhere connected to. People with whom you laughed and cried. People who called you anytime and knows the reason of sadness behind your smile.

The world is moving in its speed. Everything around is moving on. But you stand still, not knowing which direction to go. This is what loneliness does to you! This is how a person who made you complete, make you alone!

Nothing-ness- Phase 2

I am losing it all. All my interest. Interest in things I loved doing once…or just few days back. I haven’t read anything since beginning of ‘Phase-2’. I haven’t written anything. I haven’t pondered over anything. I haven’t seen a complete episode of Grey’s anatomy..when I was watching 5-6 episodes in a day,back then.

I don’t know if it’s the transition…my busy schedule or the need of being ‘nothing’….But for now…I AM losing it all. I don’t feel this need to talk to anyone. I don’t feel this need to get engage myself in any sort of nexus with anyone. If you talk to me..I’ll talk too. But if you don’t…I just not even bother to know you exist or not.

I guess this happens with all of us..somewhere…down the line. When we just want to be ‘us’. Nothing more..nothing less. Everything around seems meaningless. Relationships are just another word. Coz maybe you’re done. Done with your share of holding on…of hope…of thinking that things will go fine someday….that it’s just a phase and this too shall pass. You’re done with your share of hurt…of pain and now all you need is silence..both inside and around.

There is so much new around me…so much that I need to explore yet so many things that remind me of the year bygone. Memories. But strangely….today…I feel like smiling at them. Not that they do not pain. They do…and at times I feel like there is nothing left in me. But at the end of the day…they all feel like a distant memory.

Yes, maybe I am done..or maybe it’s this transition of this new phase that isn’t allowing me to go back!

It's dark...n I am cold!

The truth is that it hurts. It fucking hurts. This reality. It pinches. Like a needle. Direct through your heart. What are we faking? What the hell are we escaping from? Insomnia? Swollen red eyes? The suffocation? The endless effort to breathe? Whom we are lying to? Your eyes which you avoid to look through in the mirror? The fake laughs when you even don't know what you're laughing for, coz your mind is fcking somewhere else? The nights you're scared to arrive? The endless T.V shows you watch just to divert your mind? What and whom you're running from? Crying your heart out all night and waking up next day as if nothing happened? Telling yourself thousand times a day that you're ok when everyone knows you're not? You're scared to talk to yourself. Coz you can't answer the questions your heart asks.

What are you searching for? An escape? Well, no escape exists! No ESCAPE EXISTS!

It's dark...m I am cold!

Acceptance!

Life actually is a collection of phases. We complete one phase and move to another. Phase of being a teenager where school life rules...crushes, colourful dresses, birthday parties and gifts…they dominate our lives for quite a time .

Then comes phase two of being an adolescence…a phase of life where everything is so exciting. College life….friends….flings…late night phone calls….hour long chats and messaging…and that immense charm on face. We fall in love…get our heart broken. Friends rule our lives for everything. Family matters but friends still top the chart. Life seems like a roller coaster. Everything looks different. We see ourselves developing, loving, failing, dreaming. We tend to think forever exists. We think that the uncountable friends we have made will stay with us forever. Love gets a new definition. Our life surrounds only by friends and dreams. We think everything will remain as it is. Nothing will change. Nothing.

And then enters the phase of reality check. Things start changing. Dreams start shattering. People, we thought as friends, some of them will leave…some will get out of contact…some will break your heart…some will move on leaving you behind. You’ll realize that forever is just an illusion. You find yourself in the middle of nowhere. You’ll fight. Fight with everything…to keep people you love….to keep your dreams alive…to keep a hope in heart. You’ll cry, shout…coz everything is changing so fast that you find it impossible to keep track or move with the same pace. It feels like a storm. You’ll lose a hell lot of things in this storm. You’ll realize you have to pay the cost for the dreams you saw…things you believed…people you loved. You’ll feel alone and everything around seems like a lie. You’ll lose love…you’ll lose faith…you’ll lose hope. You’ll start hating everything.

And then, finally, the storm will start settling itself. You’ll stop. Stop fighting...stop thinking...stop crying....stop searching....stop escaping and just ACCEPT. Accept the life and what comes in...accept that whatever happened was meant to be...accept that there is no good in fighting anymore. You will realize, that no matter what people promised, no matter what you planned, no matter what you hated , no matter how much you loved…it’s time to accept the truth. Accept that this is what life is all about…accept that love, hatred, happiness, pain…they all are a part of life. Accept that sometimes, it’s better to leave things as they are and stop trying. Accept that everything in this world comes with a life of its own. That no matter what…at the end it’s only you who have to carry your own broken pieces and move along. It’s time to understand yourself better. To be independent. To deal with your problems by your own. You have to forgive people for what wrong they did. Coz you cannot carry the burden of regrets anymore. You have to accept their hate for you but what all you could give back is a smile and good wishes. You have to accept that your life is your property…making it a liability or an asset is your choice.

Coz at the end…acceptance is the only truth. Acceptance is the only bliss. And acceptance is the only option left.