Today...I live for myself!

And while taking the night long walk today, I realized how far I have come. In life. How, all of a sudden, I have broken all the boundaries and chose to be where I am today. I may not be surrounded by people all the time. I may not be talking and walking all day. I am doing things which maybe not appropriate or right for many. But then, who will decide what’s right and what’s wrong?

It does hurts sometime. It surely does. But then, it’s better to be away from something which is close to your heart but you know that getting closer would only bring more pain.

And what the heck! For the first time in my life…I am living for myself. Doing things whenever and whatever I want. Going anywhere without looking out for company. Being independent…both emotionally and physically. This is what I really am. And I lost this part somewhere in the tide. I may not be laughing today. But yes, I am smiling.

I stop while walking and start playing with the kids in my society. I take a pause and watch the old couple sitting on the bench…together…satisfied…loved. I peep outside my window pane at midnight and watch the clean sky…for hours. It makes me smile….in a strange way.

I don’t know things I am doing today would lead me which way. I don’t know what future has in store for me. For now, I am just living. Living life in moments.

Don't cal me back. I have lost my way back.

Say Hello Happiness!

While you are running for office in the morning, coming back with piles of work, chasing the unknown, following the rat race, putting every effort to be happy, spending grands on expensive restaurants, pubs and what not....just hold on....stop....and look around. Look around and see the innocent smile on the face of that kid who just threw the ball before you, pause and take a deep breath and feel the fragrance of lily that is growing in your garden, wakeup and and go to your balcony to view the sunrise, sit under the naked sky in the night and stare at the moon, take a long walk listening to your favourite music, see the smile on the face of the people you love.

Do you recognize that feeling? That's happiness!

Do not run after things which you cannot hold, do not wish for things which are mortal, do not bind your happiness with the people around you. Find it within. It is right there....just beneath your heart.

So, take a pause. Look around. Smile. And start walking again.

That's life. That's happiness. And that's you setting yourself free.

Trivia

How many times has it happened that you keep walking round and round in a circle? How many times has it happened that you walked away of this circle thinking it as a straight line but end up being at square one? How many times has it happened that you said to yourself that it’s over and end up doing the same thing all over again?

Haven’t we all, somewhere, have tried to escape and hold on to the same thing at the same time? Isn’t that weird that the one thing you want the most is the same thing you are trying to get away from? That your heart is crying and smiling for the same thing? What makes our mind to love and hate the same person? That you sit across a person and also waiting for him to arrive there?

Have your heart felt hollow and contented at the same time? That you could see things clearly in haze? What is it that make things so complicated that are yet so simple to understand? That you end up meeting the same person to whom you have bid the last goodbye many times? Is it that last goodbye is over-rated? Is it that we find pleasure in pain? Or is it that we close our eyes and pretend that the world has gone black?

We humans are weird, strange breed. What we want, what our need is and what we deserve…we think, are same things. And hence the vicious circle of suffering never ends. We don’t know when to actually let go….when to walk out and set ourselves free. Or is there anything like ‘letting go’ really exists? How far is too far? What is that point from where you have to part ways? Who will decide that you have reached that point? Is there any certain incident, or a particular statement or a something you see that makes you decide that yes…this is the point to bid the last adieu?

It’s absurd you know….this whole cycle of drama….and we, the humans, makes it more illogical. Who knows what’s right and what’s wrong….who knows which side of the coin it’s going to be…who knows the glass is half filled or half empty!

No Coming back!

There are few moments in your life when you feel the utter void inside your soul. No matter with how many people you’re sitting , with whom you are talking to, even when you are throwing the fake smile and the twinkle in your eye in nothing but aftermath of lost a hope, you feel that nothing-ness inside.

I left a whole world of mine behind. Yes, it did pain a lot. It did hurt. But when I was almost done gathering broken pieces of mine…the world turned back to me. And this time, the world which was mine doesn’t feel the same. It feels as if I am living in a world which is named as mine but is carried by someone else and I am just a guest there. You know, it doesn’t feel like home anymore.

And then there are questions, zillions of them, inside me ..in my heard and my heart. And no matter how much assurance I am getting this time…how many statements of ‘everything will be fine’ I listen…they all sound fake…broken…hollow. Coz what my eyes are watching and what is being assured are entirely different. And this time…I cannot take chances. I am too broken to break myself again.

I don’t know when I came this far. When I became this person that I am today. You know when you feel that you’ll bring jinx to any person you’ll be with. When you find yourself awake in the middle of the night doing nothing…with some blur thoughts. I am a changed person today. Not that I do not care or love you. I do. I have just stopped showing it. And I won’t peal a single layer of this mask till the time you make me sure that yes, things are really fine.

I walked away because of few reasons. I walked because I wasn’t entertained there. I walked coz you gave me reasons to. And now if you want me to come back…you NEED to give me reasons. Coz in all these months, I have accepted one thing. That it has ended. That, it’s a full stop now. No comma, no connecting dots…just a full stop. And I made this believe after countless sleepless nights, infinite tears, suffocation and inch broad dark circles under my eyes.

For me, there is no hope, no hope for a new beginning, no hope for a better tomorrow with you. Coz I don’t want to feel anything this time. Neither hope nor disappointment. Neither pain nor happiness. Neither smile nor tears. Coz from where I am looking, nothing has changed. We just have stop discussing things that caused argument, which caused you to give clarifications, which caused us to close and share everything. We are just strangers who talk just for the sake of it. And I don’t want that. Not this time.

I have no intention of coming back. Not like this. Not like this.

Sometimes!

Sometimes, you need reasons to stay. You know. Even a single reason. You may have gone for long. For months or maybe years. But there is still this little hope inside you. To return. To be called back. And for this, you need a reason. Not expectations. Not demands. Just a simple reason. To make yourself sure, that this time it will work. This time it will stay...not for forever. But maybe for a brief time.

But what if you doesn't get any reason. What if even after searching for long...even after waiting for long...you won't find any reason to stay?

What should you do then? Walk out? Haven't you already? And what would you ask from him to do? To give you a reason to stay? Is that a right thing to ask for?

Coz sometimes.....sometimes....things should be understood. Should be accepted. Should be given. And not said. Not asked.

What is to be done?

You know it’s like everything is running….across me…around me…and I am standing here…still…at one place…bewildered…stunned…shivering…sobbing…lost…not knowing what to do…which way to go….what to say and how to react. As if everything around is everything but not me. As if, I am not me. As if I have lost my soul. And as I stood there….clueless….soul-less….I saw myself. Right there. Standing and laughing at me on the other side. What have I done? Where am I today? What will I do next? Should I abandon this world which had left me months back or should I wait….wait for the things to slow down…to come to a halt? What should I do? What should I do?

Long walk-acceptance-memories-Me! :)

I have made it a rule….to spend atleast 20 minutes with myself everyday. All this time I have been running after things, people and what not. I wanted to hold on…to hold on time…to hold on people…to hold on everything that I had. And in this entire race I forgot that what I was trying to hold on is never permanent. Neither time…nor people. But the only thing that will remain by your side is your dignity and the only person that would walk beside you is YOU.

Today…I am in a phase where I am actually with no one. You know! NO-ONE. I wake up, go to work, come back, read/sleep/eat. And then I take a long walk. And this is my favourite part of the day. It’s not that I only think about good things and I only feel good during this walk. But yes, somehow, I feel closer to myself. I remember the good old days and smile. I remember the bad that happened and try to let it go…to forgive. I miss few people who were a part of my life once. A very important part. But I have somewhere accepted that whatever happened was for good. Sometimes, you need to let go of the things you love the most…coz holding on may cause more pain to them. And hence, you set them free. For good.

And during this walk, I think about the things I have....the things I could do....the decision that I could take for my life. I feel blessed to have a family that always supports...to let me live my life in a way that I want...to let me be independent and to discuss anything and everything with them.

I feel good to have very few but good people around...without any fake promises....without any expectations...but to be there.... I am not a girl who wants big cars n bungalows...I am not a girl with very big dreams. All I want from life is to do whatever I feel happy in...to be independent..of people...of someone else taking decisions for my life.I want to live my life on own terms....nothing more..nothing less!

I cannot be an option in anyone’s life. I cannot be dependent on anyone for any materialistic or non-materialistic thing. I have always been and will always be independent.

Yes, memories do come and go. No matter how much you try, some strands will remain in your life. But what you can do is stop trying and accept. And trust me…you will feel good.

P.S. Just when I was changing my wallet today…I found this. Yes, it does bring back a lot of memories but I was left with a wide smile on my face. It’s been around 1.5 years…and this napkin is still with me…as new as it was then.

P.P.S : And yes. My blog has made it to the list of “Directory of Top Indian Blog”, badge of which you can see at the right side above the Blog Archive. Some 571 blogs have made it to this list and yes, mine is one of them. It feels so good :)