...And I let go of the last thing I had of us...our conversations...of 4 years..that was a tough decision though...but maybe this was the time...this was the time to take that decision...I don’t know what was the driving force behind it...all those harsh facts? Uncertainties of our relation? The fact that I love you more than anything in my life? The reason that you can’t love me with the same intensity or even a bit of it? our differences? knowing each other so well? That guilt of yours?
I thought of it..many times..but never had courage enough to actually do it....that was the last and the most lovable thing I had...the thing which always made me realize that I am still close to you...and now I am left with nothing....just nothing.
That night I cried so hard that next day when I woke up , I felt like I am having some hangover...obviously I was not drunk...but I don’t know...the hangover was so bad....And then after getting sort of normal after cups of coffee..when I saw myself in the mirror, my eyes asked how does it feel like....numb...numb was the answer my heart replied. Yeah, I could not feel anything...no feeling of loss, remorse, pain....just numb. This was not the first time though I felt something like this...but this time it’s certainly for a long period....
Right now I am feeling nothing...may be due to the music which is playing behind this notepad file...or coz of the three empty cups of coffee already lying on my table..or coz this cold winter night...or may be something else...My face is blank and so is my mind...though I usually keep this blank expression while I am in my home...but this time no efforts required at all.
And this time I want this numbness to last for sometime...though it hardly leaves me for moments of pain...but this time I want it to stay...even in moments of joy (and of pain)...