Heart and those stupid things!

It’s been around two months since I have been here. 2012 started with no kindness and good sign for me. Dad’s heart attack affected a large part of my life. Whole February passed by running between hospital and college. I was already striving hard to get a life and getting things back on track when this all happened. March started off with lots problems again. Not a single day passed with new challenge.

I wrote lot of scattered words in these two months. Words I felt was all mine…moulding, moving in the directions exactly where I want them to. My brain is vouching for serenity..for peace. My heart wants some love. But the surroundings are just in the opposite direction. I am loosing it all. I spend days thinking what went wrong between me and him(the only person I love today, he’s not my lover but the only one I care for today)…My nights have become prisoner of my thoughts. I don’t remember when I last took a sound sleep. I wake up every night and sit…thinking…what? I have no clue. I become blank most of the times. I cry coz I feel suffocated with my thoughts. The dejection has become a part and parcel of my life. My eyes have become permanently swollen. The charm and charisma has faded.

I feel I stand nowhere amidst this world. Hold no position in anybody’s life. Not even his. I have messed up his life as well with mine. I can tolerate everything and anything but to see his life effected by my deeds. I have become a repulsive person. And hence, the only way I see to make atleast his life normal is to exit from his life silently. So that he can have life minus one stupid person.

I don’t know how much my absence is going to affect his life. But I want peace in his life atleast. It’s hard to think of a life without him. But when it comes to his happiness…even this is acceptable. He is like air to me..my driving force..my reason to smile. But I believe my work in his life is done now. And my presence would do nothing but add disaster in his life. Maybe he too wants the same.

I have been spending sleepless nights. Last 1 week was more than a nightmare. I spend a whole night writing words after words…scattered all over my bed. I wrote on anything and everything that came my way….registers…papers…wordfile..draft messages. All over and everywhere. Torn sheets, scattered words, swollen eyes…that was the night.

I get a pang everytime I think of our last talk yesterday night. And one thing become very clear…I have lost that place in his life. But he is and will always remain the only person in my life who has reached a place where no one can ever reach…not even close to that. My heart weeps every second ,thinking of days without him. But, if that’s what make him happy…it is welcomed. His words pinch me like a needle on a wound.

I have spoiled my life till now and may ruin it completely after this. This is an end…end of a lifetime journey!