2013 : Last night of the year

It’s 12:30 in the night. Typical winter night. It’s so much cold out there that I could feel the chill even after sitting inside my quilt. And what’s the best part? It’s raining. It rained all day long and it still is. I could hear every drop of rain touching the ground. Yes, there is so much of silence that all I could hear right now is rain, tic-tock of clock and noise of me hitting the keys. One after another.

I do not want to write anything beautiful tonight. Nothing to touch anyone’s heart. Nothing to vent out and get away from it. No realizations. No ‘last-words’…no resolutions. I just want to sit…sit and watch my favorite sitcom all night. Without any thought. Without any regret. Without any hope. This year wasn’t bad to me. To be precise..it was good. I found few lost people…made some new friends…started my career. It’s been a satisfactory year.

But what I could not stop today are the thousands of thoughts popping inside my mind. Finding and making friendships, relations with the outside world is ok. It is good and a need I would say. But what about the relationship I have with myself? I somewhere lost the touch. I almost stopped writing. I hardly read. I do nothing to nurture my nexus with my own self. And today when I sat alone…thinking and looking back at this year…I could see people and people but could not find my own identity anywhere. The silence inside has become too loud for me to handle. And when the silence become loud, we try to find the easy way out. We get high…drink…watch sitcoms after sitcoms…roam around like hippies with no definite destination. And then one day, we peep into the mirror and find a stranger standing in front of us. We look into his eyes and could find nothing. Just cold..expressionless eyes. That’s the scariest part.

We don’t know what life has in store for us. Nobody knows that. And this hope. This hope is a bitch. I don’t know what 2014 has for me. And I do not expect any life changing event this year. All I want is this void to get filled. This silence to get vanish. And this heart to start beating!