Survival

I have almost stopped writing. Not that I don’t write at all…I do pen down my random thoughts here and there…on the back of my notebook, on facebook statuses, and inside my mind. I guess I am one such person who needs pain as a motivation to write. Strange isn’t? Pain as a motivation.

I thought I had grown as a person. I definitely have, till the time I got my heart broken again. And who broke my heart? I, myself. Happiness and satiation have started scaring me. Too much of it makes me sceptical about it and I start running away from it.

Every year we grow..and every year makes us learn few lessons. I learned too. And the most important learning was to coming in terms to who you are and accept yourself that way. After losing so many people whom I thought are here forever..after getting in and out of various named-unnamed relationships, after getting my heart broken umpteen times, I have accepted the fact that I am not a person to be kept too close. Yes, till the time we maintain some distance, I could be the best of the person you have ever met. But once you cross the circle and get in, I could be the craziest and weirdest person you could ever come across.

I am honest, reliable and will love you like no-one else. But for that extremes, you got to be a person who could handle the extremes. Not everyone has got the flesh to handle the fume.

I am 26, with no idea of where my life is heading to. Both personally and professionally. It scares me at times and makes me to mad. But what calms me down is that I am atleast living my life in a way I want. On my terms. When people are struggling to make a life of their own, I have I have atleast achieved that milestone. And I am proud of it. I am a good human being and when I see myself in the mirror, I find no shame or feeling of betraying someone. And I am proud of it too.

Amidst the chaos of day to day life, when I lose hope and can’t find an escape, in the moments when I feel I am all alone in the world and when I think about the men who have had my heart broken, when the trauma of memories take over my mind…I close my eyes and say the words “I have survived the worst of phases in my life. I will survive this too. Like all bad times, this too shall pass”.

I am not in the best of the phase of my life. I see many of my hopes and expectations breaking up like pieces of mirror every day. I get betrayed by people I loved and love the most. I face the reality of not being loved the way I love people, or not being loved at all. I feel the shameful act of being considered as an option or an escape. I weep at night and can’t sleep all night thinking about it. But I tell myself, that the dawn will come someday. That I will get what I deserve. That life could not be that unfair with me. And that I will survive this storm too.