Fagged

Have you ever felt that you have lost your soul? You know as if you are nothing but just flesh and bones. Could you quantify happiness? Like I will be happy when I’d have that job..or get married…or find someone who would love me like no one else.?

Could we parameterized life? I feel I have almost all the things I craved for once. ALMOST. But am I happy? I guess I never was and will never be. And I feel as long as I remain in my own space…it is good. Both for me and the people around. I am a loner and that I came in terms with till someone came and trespassed the line of my heart.

I was not open…open to accept this change. I was fine living my life in grey. You know all those un-named relations, flings..or whatever the fuck you want to call them. I was ok with it. At least I was not carrying the conscious thought of not hurting someone. Coz there were no promises..no expectations. Just the emotions and the comfort.

With every passing day here…I feel I am losing my soul. Or maybe I have already lost it. The fear of not hurting someone.....the feeling of getting hated by almost everyone around just because you could not be that person who go and lick the ass of people….the suffocation of not being able to get understood…the immense craving to vent your heart to someone without being judged.

Going our every weekend….getting drunk…. Music so loud that you could not listen to your inner voice….has become a need now.

Nothing is bad if you see in totality….but nothing is right either you know! I don’t know if it is the age…of the phase or the fucking place which is making me write all this….but this is what it is.

I am tired. Really really tired. As if I have come back from a long trip….as if I have been walking since ages..without any destination…without any plan….without knowing where to go. I am lost and tired. I need rest. A long comforting rest.