No more teachings...I have learned enough 'Dear Life'

“ I have become weak. Very weak. Emotionally, mentally…n somewhere deep down physically. “
“Or maybe…you are becoming stronger. Much stronger”
“I don’t know. This is not what I planned for. These changes were not in the list”
“But then, this is life. You can’t predict…you can’t help”
“I feel alone”
“Everyone is. And no one is. Accept it and move on.”

Conversations of this type happen daily. Sometimes between me and my mind and sometimes with my friends and family. But the question remains. Where have I headed towards? What life am I living now? What cost have I paid for falling in love again and losing it before I realized what blunder I have commit. A stage where even my parents have lost the hope to understand me. Everyday, I wake up with the broken pieces of my being and try to re-collect them. But every day I find one or the other piece missing. I don’t understand why is it such a compulsion to change? Why is it so important to fake happiness? Why is it so important to lie just to become a part of the group? Why things and people around change and give you reasons that even they don’t believe in?

Everyday…m losing trust…losing faith…or rather I have lost faith in everything around. No, I am no more disappointed…m no more sad or gloomy…m no more expecting anything out of anything. I am just amazed you know…AMAZED and I am literally smiling sarcastically while looking around. It’s a practical world you see! People are pragmatic towards life…towards career and even towards their social circle. It’s a mutual beneficial society. We no more make but select friends. We no more fall but choose to love. We no more feel but avoid feeling anything. We close our eyes and believe that the world is nothing but a black hole.

This is the world we live in today. Yes, believe me you that one day….one day even the best of person in your life would let you down…one day even your best friend would leave you for someone else…even your parents would fail to understand you…people who said would always stand by your side would ask you to find someone else. Coz this is life…it’s neither good nor bad…it’s just LIFE!

Hard to accept? You all must be feeling that I am just frustrated and depressed about my life and hence this post. Then let me make one thing clear…I am not. I am not an inch frustrated at the moment. Infact, I have never been this clear to myself. I have never seen the world this crystal clear. I have never been this honest to my soul and my mind.

I still don’t know whether I have accepted the truth, whether I am coming to the terms of it or have I become a rebel. Is there any love left within me or have I become numb? But yes…I have understand one thing…that in this ever changing world…only change is constant.

Life and it's teachings!

ife….it teaches you things which you never thought you would ever need. It teaches you to live alone…to smile in pain…to believe that there is nothing like forever…to accept that people leave…even the best person in your life would turn their back on you and you have to live alone someday…it teaches you to let things go….to accept the reality that if someone is not willing to be with you, you can’t make them stay…that value changes….priority changes…that this world is not only black and white…that at some point of time you have to give your toy to someone else…no matter how much your heart weep to see someone else playing with it. It teaches that heart break…more than once…that failing in love is worst than a broken heart..that rejection is toxic…too toxic to accept…that this world is running behind a mirage….an unidentified love…a crave. You’ll learn that relations change…that you can never ever back upon anything and say it will remain yours…forever….coz there is nothing like such.

This life is not bad…but it’s not fair too. Why it makes us learn thing the hard way? You know giving something to you and then snatching in the worst of way. Why we stop loving ourselves coz someone right their in your heart doesn’t love us? Why we become slave of our emotions? Are we that weak? Or we have become one? How do you feel when the world around take a state to resolve the issue between you and your heart? Who the hell are they to interfere between you both? Don’t you feel dejected and embarrassed coz now the whole world knows you have been deprived by your owns? This is a tough world to live in for the people like us. Like we emotional fools…who, when care for a person loses every shackles and boundaries. We, who cares…cares and keep caring with tears in eyes and a little hope in heart to get the same love as before…same place as before. We remember old times and people make fun of us coz we are strucked up in the good old days…the time of togetherness…the time when only ‘we’ exist…no third party…no involvement of this world. People make fun of us coz we can’t fake…if we love someone…we say that with no regrets…if we hate someone,….we show that with no embarrassment….

This is me…just the way I am…people ha sloved me..hated me..left me…but I am still me…I love each and every part of my past…the people those were lost in the tide…the people I am losing today…but I’ll love them….today and forever…coz the only thing which life failed to teach me is to ‘CHANGE WITH TIME AND BE SELFISH’!

I Quit!

The age has come, the life is over and the ventilator couldn’t work anymore. There is no use in trying to extend the life of something which is dead already. Is it any? So…what to do now? Coz I am broken…so badly this time that I can’t try any more..not even an inch! Things change with time..that’s the universal truth that everyone knows including me…but I don’t believe in relations that change with time…I don’t believe in bonds, trust and faith that change due to circumstances…and if they do..then it’s time to let them go…to let go of even the most dear thing from your life. Keep the memories with you…like we keep of the person who is no more with us. We accept the fact that he has to go..but we do not stop loving him/her. The same is with life….and with people…time come and they have to go…you have to let them go…keeping the good/bad moments with you..forever…coz nothing but the memories remains! And hence I QUIT! I quit from the insanity….the possessiveness…the boundations….the suffering I gave you! I quit from the sympathy…the obligations…from the lies and things you hide! I quit from the days spent in trying n making things alright…and ruining them again the very next day. I quit from the avoidance…the ignorance….the sharing of you with each and everyone around…of watching you walk away…of getting counted nowhere….of being nameless in your life..of crying and making you cry each night! Those moments of despair, the agonies and cries, the fights to make things alright the solutions that were never right and then....after days and months that very exact moment when u know its time to let it go! let it go!

The voices inside!

If I could write what’s going inside my mind…you’ll see a paper filled with black lines…just lines…drawn with no proper synchronization. No words…no sentences…just lines drawn one over another…all over the page. This is what the state of my mind is. Blank. Or maybe too many thoughts running at the same time. I feel exhausted. I feel numb. I feel like a one standing in the middle of the road…and every damn person crossing by is laughing at me. I feel like shouting….shouting back to the world for their voices…their laughs is making me mad. I never wanted this phase is my life again….the phase where my mind and heart fights with one another for each passing second and oh lord! I feel weak…so weak to even ask them to stop and let me live in peace. And for the first time ever in my life…I feel homesick! My dad was always right…there is no one in this world who will stand by your side…your friends, your best friend…even your love will stand apart when the time comes. You have to fight this battle alone. Don’t make favorites’, do not trust blindly, do not fight for a person with the world….live for your own too! But such a fool I was…such a fool that in this journey I forgot I have a life too…I started living for someone else…sometime for my love..sometime for my friends…and sometime for the relation undefined….and today when I look around…I see this world laughing at me…coz everyone else has made their made way….everyone else has choose their path…has make friends for benefit…some got new friends…some got partners…and I stand here…still….bewildered…confused like a moron…searching for the ones who were here with me till yesterday….but I find them nowhere around today! P.S: These voices are making me insane…is it the world laughing at me or I am laughing at myself?

Keeping mum....for you!

When he left…for worse or for better I don’t know…but when he did…I thought there will be no one ever in my life who’ll effect my being with such a strong intensity….who’ll change me brick by brick…wall by wall and make me a person so closed with everybody…coz with time this one stranger became my reason for existence….my reason to feel happy…my reason of being sad. I never realized with time what am I becoming as a person…what weakness I am developing beneath the strong persona that I carry. But it is said that distances makes you realize things you never thought exist. We were ‘WE’ then….no ‘I’ and no ‘You’….u know…’We’ we were. We had each other in each other’s life….just each other. Things were good. Things changed with time…today when I look at ‘We’… I find ‘Me’ and ‘Him’. To the changes…..I still have him….he has ‘too many me’s’…u know….too many for me to handle. I fought…I cried….I spend hell of sleepless nights…for asking for ‘We’…for making ‘I’ and ‘You’ become ‘We’ again…but you never realize how and when things change so abruptly!

I still hold a place I know…but the security has lost…of togetherness….of trust! And with time I realized it’s of no use fighting for it. So I decided….to keep mum! I have decided not to utter a single word now. I may destroy myself in the suffocation…I may weep all night coz I want to talk about so many things…coz I want to listen that voice again each night like before…but I would never ever say this…never ever express what am I missing…and what person I will become in this process of self destruction!

Yes, I made a mistake. I started feeling something I shouldn’t have….but I am not the only culprit here. The only difference is my feelings don’t change overnight….or it does not depend on the entry or exit of any third person between us. Coz I know my priorities and it does not change with time. The person, who was special for me, still is! I don’t treat people like trash and I know who deserves what. I would not value him less if ever my past comes back to me. Not even an ounch. But guess I need some reality checks now…I need to understand that this world is place where people are with you only when they need you…once the need is over and your substitute is available….you’ll be no more than just a name in the phonebook. You become just an obligation to fulfill.<> And hence, I have decided…to not express…to not share…to keep mum! And exit with silence….slowly….steadily. Coz this is the best thing to do..leaving for good….leaving for you!

Funny it is! The life I live...the breathe I take....the smile I wear....the tears that flow... Funny it is...the life it is!!!

TIME!

There is this phase in your life when all you could see around is a complete silence. Where you see that even the most important thing of your life is lying in front of your eyes and you could do nothing but to look at it and realize that its time in your life is complete. Where you are entitled as just ‘an option’ when you were labeled as priority once. You realize that promises, faith, trust, forever are just other words to complete sentences and mean nothing. When you look at yourself in the mirror, you laugh at the one standing in front of you coz s/he has made such a fool of himself/herself all these years. There comes a time when you realize that sometimes distances are actually beautiful and closeness would show the ugly picture behind the beauty. A time when you actually feel what ‘numbness’ means and how things change within fraction of seconds. Surprised? Shocked? No, you feel nothing but a strange silence and even tears fail to flow this time. You realize that you have reached a stage where life seems to make no meaning. When the efforts you put on to make something happen just proved to be worthless coz someone else is enjoying its luxury. The garden you sowed with so much of love and trust, the fragrance of the grown flowers is enjoyed by someone else. Strange it is….this world! Sometimes it makes you complete in loneliness and sometimes loneliness eats you up in the crowd of known strangers!