Hollow silence!

It is in those half sleep half-awake night when you wake up abruptly, you realize that no amount of shopping…beauty salons …sitcoms or alcohol could fill the void which is developing inside you with each passing day. People…relations…love…hatred….you have left them far behind. It’s just you against you today. The endless battle of you fighting with yourself. And fighting for what? Happiness doesn’t count to be on the list today. Or it is more like a mere word that exist somewhere in between the thousands of words in the dictionary. Books? There are tens of unread, half-read, and bookmarked stacked on your bookshelf.

Where is the tomorrow? And when did today pass? Why yesterday is so blur to remember? And where am I? Which phase? What time? Yesterday-today-tomorrow?

And the eyes start paining from insomnia. Brain…could burst anytime from the overflowing thoughts. Thoughts that is impossible to track. Like you just woke up from a dream you can’t remember but still could feel the restlessness.

There is no sad-ness. No melancholy. But no zeal. No excitement. To live is more of a like an obligation. Moments of bliss are temporary. Like a micro second. And then there is no dawn to this dusk.

This is what life has become. And there is no ending of it. Of the void. Of the ‘asked’ loneliness. Of the silence…within…around. And there are no regrets either. No qualms. No complaints. Just nothing.

Just the hollow silence. A hollow silence!

Sometimes...you just know!

When someone breaks your heart...challenge your faith…and leave you in the middle of a storm, you lose hope and make a belief…that every other person you’re gonna meet is going to ditch you…somewhere…at some point of time. Trusting again takes a hell lot of time, patience and strength to letting go of the past demons.

And one day…the storm passes…and you gather the scattered pieces of yours. In all the disaster…you learned to trust no one but yourself. Yes…at some dark nights..you still doubt yourself, your ability to stand up again and move on. Coz letting go is not the tough part…but moving on is.

But it is said that life never remains the same. It always gives you chances…second…third…and sometimes even more than that. But are these chances worth taking for? Does anyone deserve to hold those pieces of yours which you gathered with so much strength? Will you be able to gather them again if such thing repeats?

For I believe…that not everyone deserve to cross that line….to enter that inner circle of yours…to touch your soul and become the reason of your smile/tears. You may not be the best but you deserve good. Someone who could hold your hand and make you believe…someone whose mere existence gives birth to a strange strength inside you. Who doesn’t treat you like an option but as ‘Life’. And when one such person enters your life….you would know! JUST know!

So, don’t haste…don’t chase…coz when it’s meant to be…it will happen…on it’s own

Mirage - Reality or Delusion?

Who you are to me, I wonder

An excuse for solace or just a medium to hide

Hide from the fears, hide from the demons inside

Or you are just another person who passes by

Sometimes I sit and ponder, how to define this

A face I never came across in real but spend all my time with

But oh my friend, this heart is naïve

It doesn’t understand the change in fate

It keeps on asking for even more affection and warmth

Poor he…does not know things have changed so far

What to do now.. a step back or stand still?

Coz it has started affecting my will

Lets not go further and make it tough

Coz I am still a sensitive bud

No reasons filled, no logics involved

But my heart is not ready to bear that all

All that happened, from where it all evolved

Coz every story may begin different …but has the same halt

Maybe I am not people person…or maybe it’s someone else’s fault

But this is the way I am today, unpredictable…insane and out of control

You are broken and so am I, pain here is hard to deny

For the search of contentment, lets not create another void

Lets not fake and pretend we don’t have a choice

End it here, end it right now

I don’t know if it still matters….but my friend…lets bid adieu somehow!

Mid-life crisis? Mundane thoughts!

When I read about midlife crisis some five years back..I wasn’t sure what the fuss is all about. You know all that friends getting married, waking up in the middle of night not knowing where your life is heading towards, feeling alone all of a sudden, having zillion of doubts about life…about love…and most importantly about yourself.

Today…when I look back, I realize what a long way I have come since then. What turn around my life has taken and what a person I have become today. Yes, I have become more independent…..emotionally…financially…physically. I am coming in terms with life. There is no-one or nothing today which takes me by surprise or shock. Coz I have accepted almost everything. Today, if someone hurts me or pushes me to my limit…instead of complaining I just take a step back. I have somewhere make a distance with everything around. Too much of familiarity give rise to expectations and with expectations comes disappointment and with disappointment you get into pain again. It’s all like a vicious circle.

Yet…sometimes…I feel lost. People turn me off. Fake emotions…those oh-i-so-care-for-you talks piss me off. I do not want anyone to expect anything from me…coz I know I would never be able to fulfill their expectations. And if I can’t, I do not have any right to expect from them. This world works on give and take relationship. You give something…you expect something back. It always…..always works like that. So those who says ‘my love for you is oh-so-selfless are just lying’. There are no free lunches in life.

But, at times…I ponder over things that sound so mundane the next day. I wonder do I have anyone to whom I could call 3 in the morning…without giving a thought..and just talk my heart out? Is there anyone who could understand me in a way that even I couldn’t? Is there any person who could take away all my fears and makes me believe?

Not that I do not have people who don’t love me or care for me. Or I am lonely and all. But I guess there exist very thin line between being lonely and being alone. I do not feel lonely….I feel alone. As if I have wake up from a dream and have found myself in a middle of a road…not knowing what direction to go towards. I believe most of us feel that way at some point of time. We all have been there. Yet we all have different fates. Different destinies.

It’s scary..not knowing where to go…what to do. But what’s scarier is to not know when it will end. The uncertainty. The doubts. Whether to take a step forward or to stand still…and wait for the storm to pass. Whether it’s only you or the whole world is looking at the wrong direction. Whether it’s just a beginning or it’s about to get over!

Is the world ready to accept the 'changed' you?

When you change your world….going from one polar region to another…you face consequences. Consequences of not being understood…or rather being misunderstood or the worst of being understood as the one you are not.

This is why familiarity is bliss at times. You do not need to go those extra miles to make someone understand that this is not who you are. The person they see is not the one who lives inside your soul. This is why sometimes getting close or getting to know to new people after a certain point of time is hard.

When we were in teens or early age of being in college…meeting new people…making friends…all this seems nothing but as natural as being at home wearing sweatpants….lying on the sofa…eating chips. But as we grow old…we make believes…and principles….about ourselves…about the kind of person we become by then. And we become so stiff and stubborn with our behavior that flexibility takes a back seat.

And then…if we meet people…we show them the face which is the result of years long learning…lessons…heartbreaks. We become the reflection of the people we met in past. We do not try to reveal the real us to the people we meet later. Somewhere scared of getting hurt…of being taken for granted. At those moments of feeling low….or alone…instead of turning to a friend or calling our parents….we tend to deal with our mess ourselves. Yes, this is the kind of ego we develop with time.

So what if the person you just met couldn’t understand you. You never expected that. Coz in real….you doesn’t understand yourself at times…and surprise…or rather shock yourself with the kind of reaction you give or the behavior you possess. So what if the people around think you are as cold as a fish and have no warmth and affection for anyone..this is what you are showing them. So what if people think you are crazy and weird and behave like a psycho at times….they have no idea of the loving and sane person that is crying to get out of this cage.

How does it matter…..how? What people think or how they think? How on the earth could their opinion hurt you? Do they have that power? Are you concerned?

But what if….what if somewhere they start to become someone from no-one. What if you want them to understand you and hold you? What if you want them to not judge you and to accept you as whom you are? Do you have the choice? Do you have the right? Do you know where you are and where your life is?

The Last Night......

It was one of those early November mornings when the winters were just knocking the door and summers have already left. You could neither wear a sweater nor could roam around wearing Ts. A typical start of November.

With her stilettos in her hand….she walked bare feet. Wearing the dress she wore for the event that happened last night in her college. She could have borrowed his T which she wore that night when she stayed at his place. But she knew that they are not going to meet again and there would be no chance to return his T-shirt back. Moreover, she did not want to carry any of his belongings with her. She could have taken an auto rickshaw. She should have. But last night when she reached his place, she asked him to keep her money. Crumped currencies of 10s and 50s.

She has not slept all night. It was her plan to stay at his place…he, his best friend, she and HER. Without knowing that it would be the last night of their togetherness, their years long nexus…more than half a decade old friendship…it would all end that night….she made the plan and she suffered.

Drunk. All of them. Conversations. Confessions.Music. And then, half asleep…half in senses...drowsy yet awake….she saw them.TOGETHER. A thousand questions raised in a second within her. A million thoughts crossed her mind. She felt suffocated. Dead. Betrayed. Not that they shared any ‘named’ relation…She and Him. But it has always been there…that extra circle…that inner line erased only for him. He has always been the most special person in her life. Her best friend. Her alter ego. Her companion, her confidante. And so has been she. Before, HER.

The moment he raised his voice on her that night, she knew it’s over. The bond. The trust. It’s all over. It was till 3 in the morning when she sat in his kitchen. Alone. Crying. Sobbing.Thinking where it went all wrong. It was 4 in the morning she asked him, she wants to leave…at that very moment.

And at 5, she stood up…legs shaking, head aching from hangover. …splashed cold water on her face…changed her clothes..kept his T-shirt she wore last night on washing machine and opened the door to leave. But before she left, she turned and looked at him….sleeping. She looked at him one last time. Briefly. His eyes…his lips…his hair she never allowed to cut short. And the mole on his upper lip. He still was the most special person in her life. A tear dropped from her left eye. All those years flashed in front of her eyes. All those moments were mere memories now.

And then…she left…with her stilettos in her hand…bare feet…chocking…she walked out….of his house….of his life….of THEIR life………………

Life and Me- Today :)

And between the yesterday and tomorrow…the moment that just went by and the moment that is about to arrive…the past and the future…I found an amazing thing. This moment. Today. Present.

Yes…yesterday does matter. Whatever we are today, it’s because of the decision we made…the things we lost…the lessons we learned….the people we met. It’s been long you know….long phase of getting to know yourself….to chase happiness…to look for good in every bad….to find reasons…to BE good with and for people who doesn’t deserve a bit of it.

But I guess…and believe..all of it helped me grow…somewhere and made me strong. Sometimes, I amaze myself..sometimes I feel shocked to see how I behave at times. But whatever it is…I definitely have started living for myself…and somewhere…loving myself too.

Pessimism…people with negative aura…and jerks trying to bring jinx in my life have no place anywhere near my life. There is no place for lies…for feign emotions….in and around me. The moment I feel someone is trying to drag me into the well of negative thoughts..I just cut them off. And I know…soon…I’l l reach a stage where no-one could affect me and my thoughts.

Sooner or later.. There will come a day...when you'll set yourself free. You know! No cage of attachments...of expectations...of getting hurt. That day..you’ll look back and smile...smile to see what a long way you have come...how much your life has changed...how much you have changed as a person.

But before that...you have to reach the pinnacle of suffering...to touch the extremes...to kill the warm and affectionate person inside you.... to wash away the pain through tears.

So...even if you realize today that you have become as cold as a fish...doesn't feel anything inside...everything around seems nothing but fake...do not panic. Coz the next step is to set yourself free. From the pain...from expectations...from all the lies....from all the attachments that aren't worth it.

It's darkest before the dawn. Wait for your dawn. Just a lil more. Do not give up. Coz you are close...close to the point when everything will just get fine!

Life may not be fair. But it isn't fair for everyone. N that's what makes it fair!

P.S. And that’s my friend…would be a closure. The final adieu. The last goodbye. And the next day when you’ll peep into the mirror…you’ll see a new you. Smiling. Happy. Hopeful. YOU.