November Love!

I love November. The way I feel the cool breeze crossing my body…through my soul. I love the warmth of hot cup of coffee cuddled between my palms. The cozy feeling, when I get inside my quilt. I love taking long walks in November. As if I am leaving all the yesterdays and yester-years far behind.

I love the silence that November nights bring. As if everything in this world ceases to matter. And it’s only me all around.

I love the equilibrium of this season. Neither too cold…nor too hot. Just perfect. The way life should be. Balanced. The way everything should be. Perfect blend of happy-sad moments…Of tears and smiles…of love and heartbreak..of bliss and pain.

I love watching lovers all cuddled up…sharing whispers…walking hand in hand…taking long drives in November evenings. The romance and love seems to be manifold under the pink winters.

Oh….I wish I could write lines after lines for this month. For my love….November Love!

Photographs- Memories!

Out of all the men I had(have) in my life..men I dated…men who were friends…who were more than friends….flings….passing affairs…Men who broke my heart….men whom heart I broke…he was the most special one. If I were to classify men….I am dead sure I can’t put him in any category. He was beyond that.

Though he broke my heart too…more than heart he broke my trust….but certainly he was one of a kind. No one, till date, has ever understood me like he did. Held me like him. He was a friend…a companion….a confidante. He was mine…all mine…for whatever span he was with me.

Yesterday….when I was going through the pics in my phone to make some memory space, I found this pic. Of me and him. He holding me by my arms. It was my favourite pic of us together. It still is. The twinkle in my eyes…contentment on my face…and proud in my smile. I could see that pic for hours….without blinking. I have never looked this satisfied ever.

I made that pic my phone wallpaper. And whenever I open my phone..close my eyes to sleep and wake up..the last and first thing I see,respectively, is that pic. And strangely it brings a smile on my face. Thinking about that time. The bond..the nexus we shared.

I was a proud person then…proud of the friendship we shared…the bond we had…the level of understanding. And I thought…for the very first time in my life…that no matter what happen…he’ll never break my heart…he’ll stay…forever…no matter what.

It's been an year now...lot has changed...things changed…time changed…and somewhere ‘we’ changed. For good or for bad. I don’t know. But we did. Today we are nothing more than strangers who know everything about one another. And somewhere..no-one knows us better than we know each other. Every vein you know. Every single vein.

But that’s what life is. Isn’t it? Everything comes with a life of its own. And it’s best to say goodbye when the time come.

And at one such night like today…looking at that pic…beneath the moonlight…I could do nothing…but smile…thinking of all the good old memories…the laughters…the fights…and the patch-ups.

Alas, sometimes…there are no patchups! 

Hollow silence!

It is in those half sleep half-awake night when you wake up abruptly, you realize that no amount of shopping…beauty salons …sitcoms or alcohol could fill the void which is developing inside you with each passing day. People…relations…love…hatred….you have left them far behind. It’s just you against you today. The endless battle of you fighting with yourself. And fighting for what? Happiness doesn’t count to be on the list today. Or it is more like a mere word that exist somewhere in between the thousands of words in the dictionary. Books? There are tens of unread, half-read, and bookmarked stacked on your bookshelf.

Where is the tomorrow? And when did today pass? Why yesterday is so blur to remember? And where am I? Which phase? What time? Yesterday-today-tomorrow?

And the eyes start paining from insomnia. Brain…could burst anytime from the overflowing thoughts. Thoughts that is impossible to track. Like you just woke up from a dream you can’t remember but still could feel the restlessness.

There is no sad-ness. No melancholy. But no zeal. No excitement. To live is more of a like an obligation. Moments of bliss are temporary. Like a micro second. And then there is no dawn to this dusk.

This is what life has become. And there is no ending of it. Of the void. Of the ‘asked’ loneliness. Of the silence…within…around. And there are no regrets either. No qualms. No complaints. Just nothing.

Just the hollow silence. A hollow silence!

Sometimes...you just know!

When someone breaks your heart...challenge your faith…and leave you in the middle of a storm, you lose hope and make a belief…that every other person you’re gonna meet is going to ditch you…somewhere…at some point of time. Trusting again takes a hell lot of time, patience and strength to letting go of the past demons.

And one day…the storm passes…and you gather the scattered pieces of yours. In all the disaster…you learned to trust no one but yourself. Yes…at some dark nights..you still doubt yourself, your ability to stand up again and move on. Coz letting go is not the tough part…but moving on is.

But it is said that life never remains the same. It always gives you chances…second…third…and sometimes even more than that. But are these chances worth taking for? Does anyone deserve to hold those pieces of yours which you gathered with so much strength? Will you be able to gather them again if such thing repeats?

For I believe…that not everyone deserve to cross that line….to enter that inner circle of yours…to touch your soul and become the reason of your smile/tears. You may not be the best but you deserve good. Someone who could hold your hand and make you believe…someone whose mere existence gives birth to a strange strength inside you. Who doesn’t treat you like an option but as ‘Life’. And when one such person enters your life….you would know! JUST know!

So, don’t haste…don’t chase…coz when it’s meant to be…it will happen…on it’s own

Mirage - Reality or Delusion?

Who you are to me, I wonder

An excuse for solace or just a medium to hide

Hide from the fears, hide from the demons inside

Or you are just another person who passes by

Sometimes I sit and ponder, how to define this

A face I never came across in real but spend all my time with

But oh my friend, this heart is naïve

It doesn’t understand the change in fate

It keeps on asking for even more affection and warmth

Poor he…does not know things have changed so far

What to do now.. a step back or stand still?

Coz it has started affecting my will

Lets not go further and make it tough

Coz I am still a sensitive bud

No reasons filled, no logics involved

But my heart is not ready to bear that all

All that happened, from where it all evolved

Coz every story may begin different …but has the same halt

Maybe I am not people person…or maybe it’s someone else’s fault

But this is the way I am today, unpredictable…insane and out of control

You are broken and so am I, pain here is hard to deny

For the search of contentment, lets not create another void

Lets not fake and pretend we don’t have a choice

End it here, end it right now

I don’t know if it still matters….but my friend…lets bid adieu somehow!

Mid-life crisis? Mundane thoughts!

When I read about midlife crisis some five years back..I wasn’t sure what the fuss is all about. You know all that friends getting married, waking up in the middle of night not knowing where your life is heading towards, feeling alone all of a sudden, having zillion of doubts about life…about love…and most importantly about yourself.

Today…when I look back, I realize what a long way I have come since then. What turn around my life has taken and what a person I have become today. Yes, I have become more independent…..emotionally…financially…physically. I am coming in terms with life. There is no-one or nothing today which takes me by surprise or shock. Coz I have accepted almost everything. Today, if someone hurts me or pushes me to my limit…instead of complaining I just take a step back. I have somewhere make a distance with everything around. Too much of familiarity give rise to expectations and with expectations comes disappointment and with disappointment you get into pain again. It’s all like a vicious circle.

Yet…sometimes…I feel lost. People turn me off. Fake emotions…those oh-i-so-care-for-you talks piss me off. I do not want anyone to expect anything from me…coz I know I would never be able to fulfill their expectations. And if I can’t, I do not have any right to expect from them. This world works on give and take relationship. You give something…you expect something back. It always…..always works like that. So those who says ‘my love for you is oh-so-selfless are just lying’. There are no free lunches in life.

But, at times…I ponder over things that sound so mundane the next day. I wonder do I have anyone to whom I could call 3 in the morning…without giving a thought..and just talk my heart out? Is there anyone who could understand me in a way that even I couldn’t? Is there any person who could take away all my fears and makes me believe?

Not that I do not have people who don’t love me or care for me. Or I am lonely and all. But I guess there exist very thin line between being lonely and being alone. I do not feel lonely….I feel alone. As if I have wake up from a dream and have found myself in a middle of a road…not knowing what direction to go towards. I believe most of us feel that way at some point of time. We all have been there. Yet we all have different fates. Different destinies.

It’s scary..not knowing where to go…what to do. But what’s scarier is to not know when it will end. The uncertainty. The doubts. Whether to take a step forward or to stand still…and wait for the storm to pass. Whether it’s only you or the whole world is looking at the wrong direction. Whether it’s just a beginning or it’s about to get over!

Is the world ready to accept the 'changed' you?

When you change your world….going from one polar region to another…you face consequences. Consequences of not being understood…or rather being misunderstood or the worst of being understood as the one you are not.

This is why familiarity is bliss at times. You do not need to go those extra miles to make someone understand that this is not who you are. The person they see is not the one who lives inside your soul. This is why sometimes getting close or getting to know to new people after a certain point of time is hard.

When we were in teens or early age of being in college…meeting new people…making friends…all this seems nothing but as natural as being at home wearing sweatpants….lying on the sofa…eating chips. But as we grow old…we make believes…and principles….about ourselves…about the kind of person we become by then. And we become so stiff and stubborn with our behavior that flexibility takes a back seat.

And then…if we meet people…we show them the face which is the result of years long learning…lessons…heartbreaks. We become the reflection of the people we met in past. We do not try to reveal the real us to the people we meet later. Somewhere scared of getting hurt…of being taken for granted. At those moments of feeling low….or alone…instead of turning to a friend or calling our parents….we tend to deal with our mess ourselves. Yes, this is the kind of ego we develop with time.

So what if the person you just met couldn’t understand you. You never expected that. Coz in real….you doesn’t understand yourself at times…and surprise…or rather shock yourself with the kind of reaction you give or the behavior you possess. So what if the people around think you are as cold as a fish and have no warmth and affection for anyone..this is what you are showing them. So what if people think you are crazy and weird and behave like a psycho at times….they have no idea of the loving and sane person that is crying to get out of this cage.

How does it matter…..how? What people think or how they think? How on the earth could their opinion hurt you? Do they have that power? Are you concerned?

But what if….what if somewhere they start to become someone from no-one. What if you want them to understand you and hold you? What if you want them to not judge you and to accept you as whom you are? Do you have the choice? Do you have the right? Do you know where you are and where your life is?