December- used to be!

I miss those winter nights that used to bring solace...when cuddled up in my quilt I used to feel the warmth of being at 'home'...when friendships were real...when people were true....when there was no rush...rush to meet deadlines...to win the rat race...when december was vacation with good food and being with cousins...when I could sleep for hours without the anxiety of going anywhere. When nights meant books and chocolate milk...when 'gajar ka halwa' was the best dessert.

It is strange how with each passing moment we are getting away from our real self...turning just into mere faces in the crowd. It scares me at times...thinking of tomorrows...of the end....

I wish....if I could only turn back time!

Get a lyf ;)

It’s been quite a while since I have written anything…or have read anything good for that matter. Life has been such a roller coaster all these days. Or rather, this second half of the year. This year passed in a blink of an eye.

Coming back to today…when I took an off from work to relax myself and to sleep all day long…I had lil small chats with some people here and there (yes..I have been quite busy to talk to anyone for sometime..even my family). And my god! What a waste. I mean what the hell people. I don’t understand how people get so much of time to judge or comment or say anything about anybody’s life, when they have no idea about yours. I mean these people are already so much fucked up…and all they could do is gossip or comment about anything and everything you do.

What my point is…me drinking…or smoking…or roaming around or doing anything with anyone is none of their concern. I do not go to people and ask with whom they slept last night or went for ‘pre-honeymoon’ or put up a pic on watsapp or facebook with? I have been so much busy that I didn’t realize that people are actually ‘discussing’ me and my life when they have no idea what’s actually I am upto. Ok, I may not be in the happiest of state but I am good with whatever and whoever I am with. I do whatever I want and I do it with dignity and respect. I earn and I am mature enough to know what and when to do. I can and will go anywhere…with whom-so-ever I want to and will do as many check-ins too. That’s none of your business. And if you have any problem…then baby you always have the option to ‘unfriend’ me.  Feel free.

And so…shut the fuck up and live your life. If you do not have anything to do then go and join some NGO and do something good for the society. Don’t claim you don’t have time for anything but you end up discussing and bitching about me. I am anyways going to do whatever I want to.

November Love!

I love November. The way I feel the cool breeze crossing my body…through my soul. I love the warmth of hot cup of coffee cuddled between my palms. The cozy feeling, when I get inside my quilt. I love taking long walks in November. As if I am leaving all the yesterdays and yester-years far behind.

I love the silence that November nights bring. As if everything in this world ceases to matter. And it’s only me all around.

I love the equilibrium of this season. Neither too cold…nor too hot. Just perfect. The way life should be. Balanced. The way everything should be. Perfect blend of happy-sad moments…Of tears and smiles…of love and heartbreak..of bliss and pain.

I love watching lovers all cuddled up…sharing whispers…walking hand in hand…taking long drives in November evenings. The romance and love seems to be manifold under the pink winters.

Oh….I wish I could write lines after lines for this month. For my love….November Love!

Photographs- Memories!

Out of all the men I had(have) in my life..men I dated…men who were friends…who were more than friends….flings….passing affairs…Men who broke my heart….men whom heart I broke…he was the most special one. If I were to classify men….I am dead sure I can’t put him in any category. He was beyond that.

Though he broke my heart too…more than heart he broke my trust….but certainly he was one of a kind. No one, till date, has ever understood me like he did. Held me like him. He was a friend…a companion….a confidante. He was mine…all mine…for whatever span he was with me.

Yesterday….when I was going through the pics in my phone to make some memory space, I found this pic. Of me and him. He holding me by my arms. It was my favourite pic of us together. It still is. The twinkle in my eyes…contentment on my face…and proud in my smile. I could see that pic for hours….without blinking. I have never looked this satisfied ever.

I made that pic my phone wallpaper. And whenever I open my phone..close my eyes to sleep and wake up..the last and first thing I see,respectively, is that pic. And strangely it brings a smile on my face. Thinking about that time. The bond..the nexus we shared.

I was a proud person then…proud of the friendship we shared…the bond we had…the level of understanding. And I thought…for the very first time in my life…that no matter what happen…he’ll never break my heart…he’ll stay…forever…no matter what.

It's been an year now...lot has changed...things changed…time changed…and somewhere ‘we’ changed. For good or for bad. I don’t know. But we did. Today we are nothing more than strangers who know everything about one another. And somewhere..no-one knows us better than we know each other. Every vein you know. Every single vein.

But that’s what life is. Isn’t it? Everything comes with a life of its own. And it’s best to say goodbye when the time come.

And at one such night like today…looking at that pic…beneath the moonlight…I could do nothing…but smile…thinking of all the good old memories…the laughters…the fights…and the patch-ups.

Alas, sometimes…there are no patchups! 

Hollow silence!

It is in those half sleep half-awake night when you wake up abruptly, you realize that no amount of shopping…beauty salons …sitcoms or alcohol could fill the void which is developing inside you with each passing day. People…relations…love…hatred….you have left them far behind. It’s just you against you today. The endless battle of you fighting with yourself. And fighting for what? Happiness doesn’t count to be on the list today. Or it is more like a mere word that exist somewhere in between the thousands of words in the dictionary. Books? There are tens of unread, half-read, and bookmarked stacked on your bookshelf.

Where is the tomorrow? And when did today pass? Why yesterday is so blur to remember? And where am I? Which phase? What time? Yesterday-today-tomorrow?

And the eyes start paining from insomnia. Brain…could burst anytime from the overflowing thoughts. Thoughts that is impossible to track. Like you just woke up from a dream you can’t remember but still could feel the restlessness.

There is no sad-ness. No melancholy. But no zeal. No excitement. To live is more of a like an obligation. Moments of bliss are temporary. Like a micro second. And then there is no dawn to this dusk.

This is what life has become. And there is no ending of it. Of the void. Of the ‘asked’ loneliness. Of the silence…within…around. And there are no regrets either. No qualms. No complaints. Just nothing.

Just the hollow silence. A hollow silence!

Sometimes...you just know!

When someone breaks your heart...challenge your faith…and leave you in the middle of a storm, you lose hope and make a belief…that every other person you’re gonna meet is going to ditch you…somewhere…at some point of time. Trusting again takes a hell lot of time, patience and strength to letting go of the past demons.

And one day…the storm passes…and you gather the scattered pieces of yours. In all the disaster…you learned to trust no one but yourself. Yes…at some dark nights..you still doubt yourself, your ability to stand up again and move on. Coz letting go is not the tough part…but moving on is.

But it is said that life never remains the same. It always gives you chances…second…third…and sometimes even more than that. But are these chances worth taking for? Does anyone deserve to hold those pieces of yours which you gathered with so much strength? Will you be able to gather them again if such thing repeats?

For I believe…that not everyone deserve to cross that line….to enter that inner circle of yours…to touch your soul and become the reason of your smile/tears. You may not be the best but you deserve good. Someone who could hold your hand and make you believe…someone whose mere existence gives birth to a strange strength inside you. Who doesn’t treat you like an option but as ‘Life’. And when one such person enters your life….you would know! JUST know!

So, don’t haste…don’t chase…coz when it’s meant to be…it will happen…on it’s own

Mirage - Reality or Delusion?

Who you are to me, I wonder

An excuse for solace or just a medium to hide

Hide from the fears, hide from the demons inside

Or you are just another person who passes by

Sometimes I sit and ponder, how to define this

A face I never came across in real but spend all my time with

But oh my friend, this heart is naïve

It doesn’t understand the change in fate

It keeps on asking for even more affection and warmth

Poor he…does not know things have changed so far

What to do now.. a step back or stand still?

Coz it has started affecting my will

Lets not go further and make it tough

Coz I am still a sensitive bud

No reasons filled, no logics involved

But my heart is not ready to bear that all

All that happened, from where it all evolved

Coz every story may begin different …but has the same halt

Maybe I am not people person…or maybe it’s someone else’s fault

But this is the way I am today, unpredictable…insane and out of control

You are broken and so am I, pain here is hard to deny

For the search of contentment, lets not create another void

Lets not fake and pretend we don’t have a choice

End it here, end it right now

I don’t know if it still matters….but my friend…lets bid adieu somehow!