Be your own best friend :)

I remember when I was in school, I used to get so many friendship bands for friendship day. During grads, the circle grew so large that I lost the track of how many are there to wish. Planning friendship day eve, going out, having fun was how the years went by.

With time..people left. They always do. Some you leave…some leave you. And gradually when you grow up you will realize how many temporary people you met in the journey. And with time I realized today friendship day was confined to make calls to a handful of people who are still with m. Peeople with whom I hardly get time to talk to but yes with them I survived this long.

So the realization is that yes friends are treasure to keep. But as everyone gets busy in their own lives…spouse..children..you’ve got to be your own best friend. You’ve got to learn to enjoy your own company.

So this friendship day..keeping this in mind…after wasting half of the day sleeping ad lazing around I decided to go on a date with myself. I got ready…picked up my bag and went off. Did loads of shopping for myself…from shoes to bag to clothes. Had amazing coffee and cakes and sat quietly for some time remembering the day I left home to make a life of my own.

And today I stand here…independent…much confident and a feeling that yes I do have achieved something at least to make a life of my own. And I might not be earning in 6 figures every month..but yes I am satisfied and I am good with whatever I have. I grew as a person…I haven’t lose my principles and no matter how many people hates me or doesn’t like me…I know that when I stand in front of the mirror I see an honest person and I am proud of that.

With this…I hope you all too find your best friend in no one else but yourself!

Wait and life will flow!

They say good things come to those who wait. They say it will happen when it is meant to be. They say you could neither preponed or postponed any event in your life.

I don’t know if whatever is happening is good or just a phase. But for the first time, I believe I could see beyond a time limit. I could ascertain my future. I feel little stability and hope for tomorrow.

Yes, July definitely was a month full of changes. I changed my flat. Changed my workplace. Though both the places have few people from old places…office and flat…but the surroundings are new. I am liking this change..specially my workplace. Good managers….good teal leads…people I look forward to work with. Personal life too has become a little stable. Yes. Stable.

My weekdays are good. My weekends are better. We explore all new places every weekend. Going all over Delhi to mark our presence. Thing I love the most about him is that he never says no. Delhi/NCR being such a huge city, even if I ask him to drive 60 kms for a plate of pasta….he do it..with all happiness and excitement.

And yes, I visited the city for which I have been waiting for years. Jaipur. Such a lovely stay and such a beautiful place.

So much happened this month that I am still trying to figure out where I am this moment. Amidst all this roller coaster, I missed few people. Things ended so abruptly between us I could not even guess what happened. At times, I want to ping them and ask what happened. But maybe few things are better when they are left as they are.

Anyhow, we all move on. For better or for worst, that only time would decide.

Fagged

Have you ever felt that you have lost your soul? You know as if you are nothing but just flesh and bones. Could you quantify happiness? Like I will be happy when I’d have that job..or get married…or find someone who would love me like no one else.?

Could we parameterized life? I feel I have almost all the things I craved for once. ALMOST. But am I happy? I guess I never was and will never be. And I feel as long as I remain in my own space…it is good. Both for me and the people around. I am a loner and that I came in terms with till someone came and trespassed the line of my heart.

I was not open…open to accept this change. I was fine living my life in grey. You know all those un-named relations, flings..or whatever the fuck you want to call them. I was ok with it. At least I was not carrying the conscious thought of not hurting someone. Coz there were no promises..no expectations. Just the emotions and the comfort.

With every passing day here…I feel I am losing my soul. Or maybe I have already lost it. The fear of not hurting someone.....the feeling of getting hated by almost everyone around just because you could not be that person who go and lick the ass of people….the suffocation of not being able to get understood…the immense craving to vent your heart to someone without being judged.

Going our every weekend….getting drunk…. Music so loud that you could not listen to your inner voice….has become a need now.

Nothing is bad if you see in totality….but nothing is right either you know! I don’t know if it is the age…of the phase or the fucking place which is making me write all this….but this is what it is.

I am tired. Really really tired. As if I have come back from a long trip….as if I have been walking since ages..without any destination…without any plan….without knowing where to go. I am lost and tired. I need rest. A long comforting rest.

Shantaram- A name that will remain close to my heart!

I guess this is the longest I took to complete a book. Maybe coz it was quite a big one..but I have read more than that many a times. Maybe I was tad lazy…but laziness never comes between me and words. I guess I did not want it to end.

I don’t remember when was the last time I felt this way for a character..or the words he said..or the emotions he felt. I don’t do reviews. For I believe I have no right to judge the feelings which empowered the writer when he penned down his thoughts. This is my way of thinking. I do read reviews though, but never let them decide what I want to take out from the story.

And from a book like this, I don’t think many would do justice to what a commendable confession, reality check and harsh truth it displayed.

I took as long as I could to complete it…and this is the closest to my heart. More so because I lived many phases in my life while I was reading it. I was happy with a new turn that took place in my life, both personally and professionally. It was fresh and it was hopeful. But as the book said “Happiness is a myth. It was invented to make us buy new things”, and so I also had my heart broken, again. And the high which I was supposed to get in my professional life also got sucked up, at the same time. There were some issues in the family and now, on a Saturday morning when I was supposed to get ready and enjoy the weekend, I am writing this, which satiates my mind and my heart like nothing else.

“Sometimes we love with nothing more than hope. Sometimes we cry with everything except tears. In the end that’s all there is: love and its duty, sorrow and its truth. In the end that’s all we have - to hold on tight until the dawn”

I believe I mistook myself as a melancholic person. I though I don’t have the capacity to love and endure anymore. I am not left with the capacity to care or to give warmth to any person. Not even myself. In my life of 26 years, I cried my heart out in front of my parents, first time. That I am tired, of fighting, of hatred that people around bestow upon me. For all the failures, for all the lost loves, for all the heart breaks. And then, I asked myself, “Did I really loved anyone? Was it actually Love I felt that time or it was just the extreme attachment? The habit of being with them?

“At first, when we truly love someone, our greatest fear is that the loved one will stop loving us. What we should fear and dread, of course, is that we won't stop loving them, even after they're dead and gone.”

And that’s what happened. I was scared that one day, they will stop loving me. And today, when I look back, I feel, I don’t love any of them anymore. Even the people who changed my life upside down. I never had love in me so to claim that it got vanished with time. It was just a mere habit. Attachment. Nothing else. And the melancholy. It is of my own. It is of the fact that I should accept and accept with the whole of my heart that loving someone takes too much from you and loneliness is not a sin but a way to accept your inner thought and to accept that it is not disturbing or bad to be that way. This is the way some people are. Just like some people are less white than others. Some are less tall and some are less thin. It the way they are build. And good or bad, this is the way they are.

“I still love you. And sometimes, my friend, the love that I have, and can't give to you, crushes the breath from my chest. Sometimes, even now, my heart is drowning in a sorrow that has no stars without you, and no laughter, and no sleep.”

This book will remain the most special to me and If get a chance, I would re-read it again and again. And to conclude, “There's no such thing as forever.”

Survival

I have almost stopped writing. Not that I don’t write at all…I do pen down my random thoughts here and there…on the back of my notebook, on facebook statuses, and inside my mind. I guess I am one such person who needs pain as a motivation to write. Strange isn’t? Pain as a motivation.

I thought I had grown as a person. I definitely have, till the time I got my heart broken again. And who broke my heart? I, myself. Happiness and satiation have started scaring me. Too much of it makes me sceptical about it and I start running away from it.

Every year we grow..and every year makes us learn few lessons. I learned too. And the most important learning was to coming in terms to who you are and accept yourself that way. After losing so many people whom I thought are here forever..after getting in and out of various named-unnamed relationships, after getting my heart broken umpteen times, I have accepted the fact that I am not a person to be kept too close. Yes, till the time we maintain some distance, I could be the best of the person you have ever met. But once you cross the circle and get in, I could be the craziest and weirdest person you could ever come across.

I am honest, reliable and will love you like no-one else. But for that extremes, you got to be a person who could handle the extremes. Not everyone has got the flesh to handle the fume.

I am 26, with no idea of where my life is heading to. Both personally and professionally. It scares me at times and makes me to mad. But what calms me down is that I am atleast living my life in a way I want. On my terms. When people are struggling to make a life of their own, I have I have atleast achieved that milestone. And I am proud of it. I am a good human being and when I see myself in the mirror, I find no shame or feeling of betraying someone. And I am proud of it too.

Amidst the chaos of day to day life, when I lose hope and can’t find an escape, in the moments when I feel I am all alone in the world and when I think about the men who have had my heart broken, when the trauma of memories take over my mind…I close my eyes and say the words “I have survived the worst of phases in my life. I will survive this too. Like all bad times, this too shall pass”.

I am not in the best of the phase of my life. I see many of my hopes and expectations breaking up like pieces of mirror every day. I get betrayed by people I loved and love the most. I face the reality of not being loved the way I love people, or not being loved at all. I feel the shameful act of being considered as an option or an escape. I weep at night and can’t sleep all night thinking about it. But I tell myself, that the dawn will come someday. That I will get what I deserve. That life could not be that unfair with me. And that I will survive this storm too.

He

He looked wierd....but happy. The smile on his face and the spark in his eyes were justifying his words. His words that echo in her mind every night. She was amazed to see the peace on his face. Peace that she wanted to see when he was with her.

Though there still was pain in his eyes...but that pain looked so trifle in front of his blissful existence.

Who says people can't move on?Who says you can fall in love only once? Who says life doesnt give second chance?Look at him today and see how life could change.

But every night while thinking about him..while praying for him....while hating him and still loving him even more .....she wonders...why is she still there? What is she waiting for? And then she smiles and set her alarm for next day.

Until

Today, at this point of time...sitting in an unknown city...among unknown people...drowned in work....I feel how lonely it is inside my heart. How void and empty. How hurt and disappointed. I believe in Karma. I must have hurt someone...ditched someone....broke someone. I must have. Intentionally...Unintentionally. I don't know. I...I am a good person...searching for shore....for persistence....for stability...for peace. Many...many people started this journey with me, but today...I am standing alone. I believe this is what life is. People...memories...we just leave them behind or they find their own ways. Some find the person to walk with...some...they just walk alone.

And it's hard to describe. This feeling. What you call it? Solitude or loneliness? There is a very thin line right? But that is what make all the difference. The more strong you try to become...the lonelier you get. And that one point...that exact point where you kept it open...someone will come and hit that too. And it's not good. That's the last thing you want from life. Coz after that, there is just no end to it.

Sometimes I wish I had not kept that point open. Should have closed it myself. Why give other a chance to kill you when you yourself can.

It's a rambling I know...but it has to vented out. How but?

I thought I am a good person. A good human being. But then, what defines good? Who define it?

I guess it's coming back. All of it. Some part that held years before. Somewhere. Or it's just the way I am. Some people love pain but don't want to be with it, yet never let it out of them.

Yes, I guess that's what I am. And that's what I'll always be. Until..........

Until.....someday.....I could meet me!