Your fragrance!

4th Jan 2013

There is this strange fragrance that reminds me of you. I find it everywhere I go..u know…everywhere! It’s your fragrance…like the one I used to feel when I was around you. Like the one that was there in your room..the one in the yellow sweatshirt you gave me…like the T of yours I wore that day…like the one which surrounded us at that bench of campus….the one I felt when you hugged….like the one of the evening in the park. It makes me go insane…it drives me crazy..your fragrance…all round me. I feel suffocated…why suddenly everything has started using your cologne?…why everywhere I find it but not you? Oh yes…how can I find you now? We are not together…we never were.

Do you ever think of me? Does anything such as this reminds you of me? Like any specific word that I used to say every now and then..when you hear it from someone else? Like the way I used to smile after crying….like the way I used to tease you for girls…like the endless lectures… the theories of ‘moving on and getting over with the past’? Do you? Do you feel relieved after talking to someone else about the lows of life? About your past…like you used to…with me? Do you? Do you sing songs with guitar over phone to someone else….like you used to….to me? Do you? Does someone awake whole night because you are not sleeping….. like I used to? Do you fight with someone and make up by evening every day….like we used to? Do you share the same bond..the same love…affection with someone else…like us? Can you set example with someone else…of friendship…of love…like ours? Can you? Does someone else cry with you all night…like I used to…and not hung up the call till we both stop crying? Is there anyone who love you more than I do..Is there? I know there is no one…but definitely someone you love more than me!

And ohhh….here it is again….your fragrance…all around me. Does anyone feel your fragrance…like I do?

Hatred?

Hatred is one such emotion of human being that I fail to understand completely. What does it do to us? The one who hates? Whenever I feel this hatred for anything or anyone …I feel stronger than ever. I don’t understand this. At all. I don’t know if this is for temporary or have I really become this strong. I asked few of my friends about it and they had entirely different opinion about it. To them, hatred has only made them weak..or made them feel bad about it. But whenever I feel that something is making me weak or is hurting me…I try and find reasons to hate it..and I come out of it very easily..even if it is not for a very long time. Not that this hatred remain inside me for a very long time. I have seen myself feeling almost nothing about something after this 'hatred'. And it has relieved me..somehow!

But whenever I think of it…the hatred part inside me which is emerging too strong as a emotion..I feel it is somewhere taking me away from myself. I am moving away from the things that made me feel alive. I do not spend time with myself…it’s been like ages since I have sit and think about myself..about where my life is heading towards…what I am becoming as a person..It’s been long since I have written anything. I mean just too much has happened in my life in the last few months but I have nothing to write of…I just could not vent it out and hence the anger, pain is still inside me…filling the vessel of patience and perseverance with such a great speed. I wonder what will happen if this continue for long.

I am not my usual self…I feel anger and I laugh…I feel like crying and I start feeling hated….I feel helpless and I smile. I avoid facing things or rather prefer to move leaving that thought behind. This is so not me. I show emotions which I shouldn’t. I share things which I should have kept inside. I do things which are not right. I sometimes feel I have started faking with myself. I am losing the actual me. I am developing feelings which make me feel strong but guess somewhere taking me away from myself. I don’t know what exactly is it…I don’t know what this ‘Hatred’ thing is doing to me. For I just do not think about it at all. The people I was so attached with, I do not feel any connection with them today. I feel like everybody is just fulfilling the formality of being with you and so are you.

Is it the new emotion I am developing inside or am I losing the existing one?

standoffish

She sat there, holding a book in her hand. Page number 157. It doesn'ttake more than three days to complete a book of such a length, if it could hold her interest. And this book was one of her kind. But it has been several hours since she has been strucked on this page. The book was right there…in her left hand…with her index finger clenched amidst the half closed book. She tried opening it several times…moving her eyes over words…reading words after words but not a single word could make it through her brain.

She could not stop the voices echoing inside her mind…the pictures running before her eyes. She just closed her eyes with force…thinking this could help. But how could you close your eyes with what’s going within? She stood up…gasping for some air and lit a cigarette. Watching at the distant skyscrapers, thousand thoughts crossed her mind. She had left behind whole world of hers. The world which she made of so much love and affection. World..that once was hers’. Does she miss that? Does she hate the one who destroyed it? Is it anger or the helplessness which has made her so different?

What she is today is not an inch closer of what she used to be. She has secluded herself from everything and everyone around…becoming more of a mystery…more of a puzzle which no one could solve…not even she herself. People have given up long back to understand her. She says nothing. She shares nothing. All you could see is a weak smile on her face when asked what it is that bothers her so much.

It’s been hours since she has been staring at the sky…the distant sky touching buildings…the birds who have just waken up from the slumber. The dark circles around her eyes show the insomnia she has been suffering from.

Looking at the folded page 157….she closed the book. Realizing…it’s yet another night she spent thinking of those years. Yet another night that reminded how lonely she has become. Yet another night of ugly truths and late realizations.

She bid him the last goodbye!

You never know how your last goodbye would be like. Neither did she. But for her it has always been important. To bid the last adieu. Awkward it was…meeting after months. Not knowing what to talk..how to talk..with the one with whom she talked all night…about anything and everything. What should be asked? How is he? Knowing he’s not fine? Or maybe he was doing just fine?

Silence was the only thing that exist between the two. She had her doubts…her questions..and she was sure he had his share of doubts too. But sometimes keeping mum is the best thing you could do. Watching his eyes full of tears has always been the worst thing for her. And that day….it added up to the pain. Probably coz it’s the last time she was seeing him…last time she would be listening his voice…last time she was feeling his fragrance…last time his eyes was staring hers. Watching him sit beside her….with the pain and tears…it pinched million times per second to her heart. That was it! It was getting over. She was leaving this place…he has chose his life…she has her own path. They anyways weren’t in contact since months…then why was it so important to say the last words? Why she does not choose the easy path and go off without saying anything. It was painful. Toxic. Nostalgic. Hard. But it was important. For her. For them.

She decided not to shed a single tear. She decided not to say anything about what all happened. Why things got worse…why the decision has been taken. She decided not to tell him how much she miss him…how nobody could ever value him like she does. But he had some other plans. And she busted out. It was the last goodbye. Maybe that’s why tears didn’t stopped. Maybe that’s why she had to say those things.

He….like always…after all shouting and anger…gave his handkerchief. He always did that. To stop her from crying. And this was the last time. Yes…he said it right..she had no right to call it over…it was about two of them…it has always been about two of them. She could not take the decision alone. But he left no choice. He was in pain too…maybe because of how awkwardly things ended between them. How they never talked after that night. And maybe that’s why the last words were important. He lit his cigarette to relief the tension. The evening ended with casual bye. He is relieved now. His pain has decreased. And her job is done. After all this is what she wanted….to release him from her pain.

But…he never realized…that it was…indeed….THE LAST GOODBYE!

P.S. Why is it always so important to meet one last time before you leave….to talk the last words…to exchange the goodbyes…to see that person one last time? To save that moment for eternity? To remember years later how it ended? To FEEL the touch one last time? To end it in a good note? Why the last goodbyes are always special…always so important?

This will fade too...oneday...someday!

The moment lived today will become a distant memory one day. Gradually and eventually everything will fade. Every memory, every tear dropped, the insanity, the insomaniac nights…the fragrance..half smiles…the smell of damp cigarettes….the lemonades after hangover…the feeling of being lost…promises…that were made to be broken…messages that lived in archive for years…mails in the red marked folder…every song sent…conversations that remained in mind and never found the courage to be spoken. The drafts that remind of dates…dates which remind of certain events…the colour of Black coffee...all will fade.

Name will become just another word. Phone numbers..just a contact. Won’t even bother to look at the ‘status’ and ‘last seen’ at watsapp. This is how it is done everytime and by everyone. This is certainly not moving on. No-one moves on..ever! EVER!

It’s neither good nor bad..it’s just the way IT IS. There will never be any answer for few questions. Why smell of a new book is so familiar? Why nail paint get off in weird shapes? Why sometimes you find solace amidst an unknown crowd? What life has in store for you? Why memories fade? There will never be an answer so absolute.

Coz the only absolute is TIME…the only thing constant is CHANGE. Nothing more…nothing less.

We never really lose anyone!

There is a great satiation in every sense of dissatisfaction, a little love in hatred, a care in ignorance. There are memories in dreams, a holding back in moving on and light in the night.

I wandered for peace..I still am. I looked out for love. I am scared of changes. Losing things and people scares me. Uncertainty of life has always made me weaker. Memories and past are my only solace. I find old pictures to be actually mine than the people around…I consider old mails, messages and conversations to be real than the present conversations. I ask myself to not attach with people but this is what I end up doing every time. I miss the moment when it passes away. I miss being with people who are not with me today.

And all this time I have been living a life, thinking that I have lost the good part of my life. But don’t we all somewhere think the same way? We miss the moment when it is gone…thinking it as the best part of our life and miss the thrill of the present moment…and then we miss the same moment after sometime.

But now I believe we never actually lose anything or anyone. We just tend to look into different direction. How can you ever lose something which is present there..inside your soul? If you loved someone and think you have lost them…you never really have loved them..coz you never lose your loved one…they remain with you…all the time..sometimes in the form of smiles..sometimes in dreams…sometimes in tears and sometimes in memories. You could meet them anytime you want…coz to love or to be with someone…physical presence is not what counts..it’s just the feeling that matters. Like we love god..or what we say as superpower. We never meet him..we never see them..but we love him and believe him with our heart, we believe that they are here with us during our hard times, during our moments of losing hope. Atheists have their own belief that makes them stronger. They may not believe in god…but they believe in their “belief”.

So why do we cry? Why regret something which has not actually happened. Why moan on the loss that never occurred. Believe and know that life is just a journey travelling on the track of time..where we do not lose people…we just change compartments. We can’t see them but know that they are with us..travelling in this same journey…on the same track..at the same time.

P.S. And to all the people I thought I have lost “You all are here with me. Maybe we never travel in the same compartment again..maybe somewhere…while changing compartments..we cross ways…maybe we will meet somewhere in this journey..somewhere down the line, you all need to know that..you are travelling with me…in the same train..on the same track…at the same time :) “

2012

It’s been more than two hours since I have been trying to get a sleep, but yes..I could’t. I don’t know what’s going inside my head. I have been reading, listening music, spending time with myself…but there is this strange feeling…I don’t know it is anxiety or excitement..that made me jump out of my bed and write this. Life has been quite messy with the things going around. 2012 does not proved to be an year for me. Lot many things happened…LOT MANY. From dad’s heart attack to losing my best pal..my lifeline. There is nothing much I want to carry on to this year. But yes, it made me stronger…in a weird way. I have seen myself going down into the abyss of hopelessness, fear, sorrow and then raising myself again..piece by piece…one after another. But there were some pieces I lost in the tide that I am never going to find again. Pieces which were build of trust, faith…pieces that made the foundation of that love…of that companionship. I don’t want to hold hatred beneath my heart..for that will only break me more. I don’t want to carry bad memories..for I have made many beautiful with the same. I don’t know whether it’s a new beginning or the end of another era…I don’t know the reason for what all happened…but I want to forgive it all….I want to forgive the bad time, the people associated with it…the wrong doings…I want to forgive myself for the foul words..the ugly thoughts…the sinner inside me.

But I am not going to forget it. The incidents that challenged my faith…the words that shouldn’t have been used…the gestures that snatched my belief…the aura that made me feel ugly. I will not forget what made me weak…what made me helpless…what brought hatred inside me in the first place…

May the year like this never ever arrive in my life again…may I become stronger with each passing day….may my heart forgive the one that broke me…may my mind find peace…and may the ones that I lost in the tide live happily..with no regrets…with no guilt!