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Tuesday, May 28, 2019

The Leaving and Coming back

It was the familiarity, I believe, that dragged her back to that vicious circle every time. How do you explain going back to the place that has hurt you so much each time? And yet, there was this force, the comfort, the words that draws her back to it.

He always said that whenever they talk, it’s like talking to a mirror. She was his mirror. Though, she never believed him. He was a flirt. Has always been a flirt. In all these years, nothing has really changed. Yet, in between the thousands of lines he said, somewhere he made her believe that. Made her believe that she has a different place in his life. That she is not like the other girls he flirts with and later tell her about them. She knew better but still believed him. Not for long though. Maybe for few minutes…for couple of nights.

The ‘leaving’ and ‘coming back’ has been a part of their weird relationship. Or whatever you call it. They talk, they leave, and they come back. She’ll ask hundreds of questions. He, very cleverly, answers the one he wants to and deviate the other he doesn’t want to talk about. She always knew. But he always said that she is his mirror.

I wonder, what makes two people be this close yet never been able to be actually there, you know. The invisible walls and the never-said words. The fear of getting hurt and the undefined ego.The leaving and coming back. Always leaving and coming back.


Monday, April 22, 2019

Of Life and second chances!

If life gives you a chance to go back in life and change one thing, what would you change? A question asked frequently and most of us answer that we won’t. We will not change anything as what we are today is because of the choices we made in the past. They might be not the best, but they certainly made us grow and live.

But deep down, we all know, that it’s not true. There is always this one decision we would want to change. Or ask for a second chance for something. But I wonder, would it help? Would it make any difference? We are not in the same situation as we were then. Time, circumstances…nothing is same today. So even if we do get a second chance, would we be able to make a better decision? Or who will define what is ‘better’? Maybe where we are today is actually a ‘better’ place. Maybe what we thought might have been good for us, would have been a disaster. Or maybe, our life could have been completely different for better. But who knows?

I mean imagine, someone left you in pain years back. What would you change about it? Not meeting that person at all, knowing you will end up hurting? What about all the good times you might have shared with that person? Would you overlook that?

Or the person you thought could have been your best choice but he/she might have ended up hurting you more. How would you know?

Or what about that job you declined and regret it today? Or the person you didn’t meet coz you thought it was not meant to be. Or the friendship you.

It’s a tricky question, changing that one thing. Isn’t?

Thursday, February 7, 2019

Mid week rant!

I find it strange that the things that used to infused so much energy in me means so little to me today. Or rather, I feel indifferent to them. When I see my old pictures, I couldn’t recognize myself. There was so much of enthusiasm and zeal to try new things, getting dressed up, going out, going to different events or even being consistent with going for a night walk every day. Today, I feel so lazy and lethargic just thinking about them. I am not sure if a phase or I am just being sheer lazy. Whatever it is, I hope it passes soon. I hated monotony in life. I still do. But today, I just don’t have the strength to do something about it.

I feel I am in a that phase of my life where I have no interest in meeting new people and find it really hard being in constant connection with the old ones. Though, to be honest, I think most of the people feels the same at a certain age, because process of connecting with the old ones have become so organic that even after talking for months, there is no effort I need to put to make things work. Though, I have only a handful of friends which I can call ‘old-friends’, but I am glad I have them.

On a similar note, the winters in Delhi are just not in the mood to leave. Maybe, this is also one of the reasons to my laziness. Other one is definitely the ‘work from home’ culture I am living in. I hate it. But there is nothing I can do about it. I don’t remember when the last time was, when I got ready during a weekday to go out. Life is pretty much stuck in weekends.

What do we do to feel young again? What do we do to break the monotony? And what do we do to make our mind and heart play in sync?


Wednesday, January 23, 2019

Kindness and Gratitude

How often do you feel the need to get appreciated by others? Just a simple compliment like ‘Good work today’ or ‘You have such a lovely smile’ or a thing as simple as ‘I really liked talking to you today’ People trusting you with their heart and letting you know.

In this world of hatred and demeaning others, how often do you take a minute and appreciate someone? I don’t feel I do it as often as I should, and I don’t think we all do it that frequently as we criticise others.

One of my previous organisation’s partner told me once that I will go to places with my dedication and hard work, both personally and professionally. And years back, one of my mentors once mentioned to me that I am made for better things in life. I never gave it a thought then because I never felt the need of it. I was doing kind of okay in my life. But years later, today, when I doubt myself and fear the uncertainty of future, these words echo in my mind and my god…what power words have over us! They give me confidence and courage to fight the tough circumstances. But this was about the professional front.

What about our personal lives? No matter how much we ignore what the world has to say about us…but somehow…in the middle of the night….the demon crawls into our mind and subtly let us doubt ourselves and our motives. And I feel…at that point of time…what could really help our troubled mind are the kind words uttered to us by the people around us. People we care for. People who matters. And sometimes, people who doesn’t matter at all. Yes, kind words have the power so strong that it could drag you out of that shithole you have been drowning yourself into.

So, what’s the challenge then? The challenge is that…we don’t tell people how great and wonderful they are. We don’t appreciate the work they do. We don’t tell them that they we are grateful of their existence and that they are doing great. We hesitate to say the good words but doesn’t blink an eye in making fun of them. And that is what is missing in this world. Gratitude. Kindness. And words to uplift each other.

Let’s stop for a minute and appreciate someone…anyone..everyday. Known…stranger…doesn’t matter. Show kindness people. This world really could use some.

P.S: I am no saint. I am guilty too of not appreciating or complimenting people around me. I hope, with this year, I could try to be a better person :)

Monday, December 17, 2018

Things I loved about Mrs Maisel

I admit, I binged watched The Marvellous Mrs. Maisel in a week. For those who doesn’t know, it is an American drama based on the story of Miriam Maisel, a Jewish woman living at the upper westside of Manhattan. The drama takes you to the colourful period of 1958 and has been shot beautifully. I will not get into the details but one thing, that she changed her life and learned her worth when her husband left her for another woman.

I really liked the series and would urge all the wonderful women out there to watch it. I try to learn something from everything I watch and the three things I loved and learned about this series are:

1) Only looking beautiful and cooking will not make your marriage work:

Though the series is based in 1958, but nothing much has changed in terms of thinking of our women. From a very young age, woman still is made to believe that we must look beautiful for our man and the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. To be honest, I find it really appalling. Mrs Maisel, kept her best figure even after having two kids. She would measure all her body every day and keeps a journal to record it. She would work out and keep a track of calories to be fit and in shape. She would pretend to sleep and once her husband is off to sleep, she would put her curlers on, remove her fake eye lashes, put off her make-up and put on some beauty cream only to put it all back the next morning before her husband is awake. She would cook the best of meal and pat the male ego of her husband.

And Ladies, so much effort and her husband left her for his secretory.

I am not saying that looking good, taking care of yourself, cooking food for your family is wrong. There is absolutely nothing wrong in it. But you must be very clear that you are doing this not only to keep the ‘Man’ happy. It is important that you keep your own identity while making your family happy. And remember, it is not always your responsibility to keep the family going. It is a journey where there are two drivers. Yourself and your partner. It’s ok to look like shit if you are not in a mood. It’s okay to share responsibilities with your partner. We as a woman really needs to start understanding that our existence doesn’t need anybody else’s approval and we should be happy in our own definition.

2) It’s never too late to be independent

One thing that is of utmost important for us is to be independent. And when I say independent, I mean in every aspect. In making our own decisions, doing what we love, taking care of your own expenses, wearing what we like…the list goes on. I cannot emphasis enough on how much confident and powerful you will feel when you start having your own income. You don’t have to be an MBA or an Engineer to work. Do anything you want, earn whatever you could but start from somewhere. It gives you immense freedom. Do not be dependent on your spouse or your parents. The moment you will start earning your own money, no matter how small, you will start valuing it. You will feel more empowered. And you will know your worth.

What started as a banter in a pub for Mrs Maisel became her obsession and her path to be seen as what she was best at. She learned her worth. She learned she is more than those kitchens and beauty salons. And she took whatever came to her way. She took all the lemons that life threw at her and what a lemonade she made from them!

Remember, people will always tell you otherwise. They will always expect you to be in a mould that they have come from. But you have to find your own path. You do not have to look for support from anyone except yourself. People often misjudge independence as arrogance. But these are the people who have never tasted a tequila of their own money 😊 Marriage should be gender independent. Make it work with your own rules and not with what society has to say.

3) Get out of your comfort zone

Till you were not married, your parents were doing everything for you. After your marriage, your spouse is making your life easy. Where is the challenge in this? What did you learn living a life like this? Did you manage to broaden your perspective? Did you learn what this world has to offer? Will you ever be able to tell a story of the things you did outside of your comfort zone? Mrs Maisel, who has always lived a lush plush life, stayed at filthy motels, spent her night in a car, travelled alone (without family) for the very first time and came out victorious. She got out of her comfort zone and learned so much that her previous life could never teach her.

Ladies, there is so much in this world to learn and explore. So many things to experience that will only make you grow and broaden your perspective towards life. Saying that ‘I never had to worry for anything because my parents and husband is taking care of everything’ is not something to be proud of. It only shows your weakness. Go out, learn new things, face the challenges that life has to throw and come out strong. You will never learn anything great in life if you are constantly living in your comfort zone. There is no struggle greater that getting out of that cocoon and there is no greater learning when you take things in your own hand.

I could go on with the list, but I will stop here. The whole point of writing this piece down is to understand how important it is to know your worth and not living by anyone else’s definition. Don’t hesitate to put that foot down and make a life of your own. Be fierce, Be independent and be humble.

Tuesday, December 11, 2018

So much for the care...Hello December :)

August was the month I last wrote. Not technically as I have been writing bits and pieces here and there…just not posting them on a public platform. And I have been thinking that this was my biggest writers block, again not technically.

So I think, the reason I stopped or didn’t actually want to post anything on my blog is because I started caring too much. Caring about not hurting anyone with my words or caring that my so-called friends wouldn’t approve, or I may offend someone. And I cared too much. And my friends, what did I get in return? Yes, you guessed it right. I got offense and least of care from the same people. They said things and never cared how I might feel. They told me how I am not capable of doing things let alone appreciating anything I do. They judged and judged without any consideration and I kept getting hurt. But you know, sometimes, you have to draw the line yourself

So here I am today, in December of 2018, thinking how I have lost touch from my own self and cared too much for people who doesn’t deserve an ounce of my care. And I realized, I deserve better than these judgemental friends and relatives whose only highlight of the day is to be mean with others and making fun of them. And mind you, these are the people who themselves are not in a very happy state of mind. How I know? Their plastic smiles and the urge to show the world how better they are from others.

So my friends, in this cozy evening of December, I am planning to do whatever the hell I want to do and write anything and everything that crosses my mind. Well not everything of course :P But I am hoping to be more active in reading and writing, irrespective of the audience. I am hoping to talk more with my friends and travel more. I am hoping to develop new hobbies and more solo coffee dates. I am hoping to bring back the real and genuine people in my life and putting the fakes at their place.

And no, this is not a new year resolution. Take this as ‘jab jago tab savera’.

Monday, August 6, 2018

Melancholy- A lifetime affair.

I don’t remember for how long I have been feeling lost, for how long I feel that I am trapped in a life I never wanted to end with. Everyday my heart says I do not belong here. That I must leave. My mind asks, what is wrong. Well, nothing is wrong technically. But you know how melancholy plays its role, right? I feel I will never feel alright. I will never feel at home. I have been trying hard to fit it, but nothing soothes this hapless mind. And now, I am scared. I am scared that someday, I might leave this all behind. Breaking the hearts of people, I love. I care for. But today, even love feels like a distant word. Coz truly, I don’t seem to care.

I sometimes wonder, if I was born this way. What was the last time I felt ‘happy’ or satisfied. And honestly, I don’t remember. It has nothing to do with anything or anyone. It has everything to do with me. I sometimes dream of leaving the city, leaving the country and start afresh. But, for what? To feel incomplete again? Wat is home, I don’t remember anymore. Feeling overwhelmed with laughter and love, I can’t recall. I have always been in this phase, waiting for something to get over and anxious about the next phase. But eventually, nothing changes. Or, I never change. The feeling never changes neither does the hollowness.

And today, I am so scared of my own thoughts that I don’t even want to confront them. I don’t want to write. Coz I feel I know what I want and scared of it. And I fear what if I would give everything up for something that doesn’t even exist. Someone once told me that we should take life as it comes and should not worry much. I tried that and still I was never at peace.

What is the purpose, I wonder, of all this? What is the ultimate destination? For how long the suffering will linger on? Or is it a lifetime affair?