I am not a happy person. I am an old school. I believe in relationships, commitments and words. I believe in romance and letters and stars. But I am not a happy person. My heart always goes towards melancholy than the bright chirpy things. No, I am not a sadist. Before I knew this thing about myself, I was in constant battle. Battle to be happy, to be a part of society, to please people I care about. But I was never at peace. I was totally unaware about who I was. And then, with time, with age, with phases and thanks to sitcoms and books like these, I realized, I am not a happy person. And it is okay. It is okay to not be okay at times. To not pretend happiness when you are not happy. To feel rush of emotions. To love letters more than messages, hand made cards than expensive archies or hallmark. To sit and just look at the sky for hours, to love roaming alone than with bunch of people who just pretend to be with you.
While watching Grey’s again, I realized how much I am comfortable in my own skin today. Few years back, I was battling to be a part of someone else’s’ life. And today, I am just doing fine. Not shouting or jumping in happiness, but just sitting, looking at the world outside my window and writing this. I have realized that I am not a people person and would rather like to be alone at times. I am still not a happy person. No sir. But I am satisfied with that I have made of my life. Whatever I am doing for myself and my people on my own. I am fine that I do not have to look for some to support me in any way…financial, emotional. Whatever comes to me today is an added gift.
I understand people better. I know who care and who just pretend to care. I have made my principles and I abide by them. I value words and I value morals. And all that because I know myself better today. I know what I want and from what things or people I need to distant myself with. I know where I am and where I want to go. And that’s the greatest thing you know. When you know where you are. And you know where you want to go.
I think, to be fine with yourself (not happy, but fine), all you need is to know yourself better. And be true to yourself. Anything and everything else is just a phase. Nothing is constant. Only you are. And as Meredith said once “"I think you can’t wait for someone to fly underneath you and save your life. I think you have to save yourself." See? Be your own hero!”