Sunday, November 29, 2009

Who Are You????????

I read all the mails u send once...I was feelin as if all those things are again happening in front of me. I could feel that love overflowing from your eyes,I could again see your eyes peeping into mine, I could feel warmth of your words deep into my heart. Do you remember the nights we used to chat continuously fr hrs and hrs? Do you remember the nights we spent talking, crying, laughing and dreaming? Do u remember the dreams we saw together?
I read all our chats and mails. Truely speaking, I missed that time, when u were here with me. I miss the tym you used to call everyngt just to know wthr I'am happy or not. I miss the time when silence was the best conversation between us. I miss the time when even our eyes could speak and we feel content just by looking at each other. You made me realise that life is actually beautiful. U taught me to saw dreams, u taught me to laugh, u taught me to smile. The reason y I still miss u is coz of the tym we have had spent together. We even talk today, but neither u r the same nor I. Things have changed, tym has changed, n so does We.
A lot has changed amidst us. We both have come a long way, a way where we talk, where we smile, where we work....but we are not the one which we were once. Its lyk coming to a place where u dont want to come, doing work which u dont enjoy and talking with your people whom you are not interested in. In the same way we talk, even when we dont want to, and complete our formalities of having chitchat with one another. Isnt? Their exist a sort of wall between us. We hide things or better say we dont want to discuss things of our "personal lives".Smetym I feel lyk hugging you tight . R u in pain? R u happy? Why you hide things? Why you always keep a circle aound and dont allow anyone to cross that? Why you always keep the door of your heart shut? What you want to hide inside it? What you want to keep away from this world?
Let me know who are you? Let me meet the Real You!!!!!!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

The Darker Side!!!

I cant see my face in the mirror...everytym I stand in front of mirror all I could see is a girl...wearing dark eyes...sad..enigmatic...scattered hairs...crying.... I noticed that she was trying to say sumthing...sumthing that only she knows...some sins that she has committed...some desires that she cant share with anyone....some secrets she cannot disclose...some wishes that cannot be granted...her heart was full of regrets...regrets of sme decisions she has made....regrets of the tym she couldnt get back.....Her eyes were pouring revenge.....revenge she wants to take from life...for life has snatched things from her.. for life has made her alone in herself, for life has made this beautifule girl an evil being.
She wasnt uttering a word , but her eyes were saying everything....She closed her eyes and thoughts were visible from her face...she wants to live a life full of bliss, she wants to live without any fear, she wants all her things back from life, she was dreaming ...of a world where she was happy.....where she can live with no questions around, where she can live for herself..without any expectation, without any explanations...where everything was beautiful..where "she" could feel beautiful....where she dont has to sacrifice for others...and suddenly.... she opened her eyes and a drop of tear rolled out from her left eye. She was here this REAL front of me...and again... she emerged as a girl whose heart is full of agony and pain...regrets and desires....uncovered truth and broken dreams....
And that was "The Darker Side" of her life!!!!!!!!

Friday, November 20, 2009

Ambiguity of Life!!!!!!!!

Sitting in my office....doing nothin(phisically)...and thinking what to think...lyf is so full of uncertainities ,that smetym have to ask myself what really m i doing with my lyf......M i really doing the thing I wanted to? M I satisfied with my work? M I really satisfied with what m doing today? Mind is becoming ocean of thoughts....everytym...24*7 only thoughts...thoughts...n thoughts!!!!! Why cant I live normal lyf like my colleagues? I feel alone in crowd...i feel content being alone.....what is this? Is this me? Is this the REAL ME? People are talking around me...but I am not listening to them...Why cant I behave lyk all my female colleagues...talking and gossiping about one another. Everytym I try to be a part of that group I feel immensely uncomfortable....I feel irritated their any problem with me? do I need a psychiatrist? I am not mad this is for smething is wrong with me...I could feel that.
I asked myself thousand times what I really want to do in lyf...and nothing my mind and heart answer....Its not lyk that I dont have any dreams or I am sme irresponsible person with no ambitions in lyf. I do have. Bt If smeone asks me what I want to be after 5 yrs down the line....I cant answer such question. And I am not ashamed of it.
I see many of my frnds running after their dreams...I too am after which thing that I dont know....may be happiness, may be fulfillment, may be fame, may be many things to run after.......
I wonder if it is compulsary to have a run after these things..Will I feel happy once I acheive these things. Then why people says that human needs are unlimited...If they are , then I am never going to fulfill all my needs, failing which I will never feel happy.
Is it mandatory to be like others? To do things what they are doing? To think lyk them? After all not every person could become a Tata or Birla. Ok I know not everyone is doing things to be Tata or Birla either(or may be..). But still.......
Anyways,have to get back to work. Will meet sme psychiatrist soon. :-)
As of now.....this is still a debate amidst my mind and heart. Though I am somewhat tired of this fight. But this is the only thing I do for MYSELF .

"U kw Mr.X is dating Ms Y these days........"
(Yawn)............My female colleagues(again)....

~Signing off~

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Was it you???

Nothing has change...neither the way u look nor d way u smile...u came n sat beside me...your eyes..still filled wid so much of innocence...everytym i see them I fall in love with you all over again. No i dunn have to look in them ...why should I need to look into your eyes...Your lips ..still d same warmth and love...I saw them each tym you speak...they are so soft and tender....that mole on your chin still looks the most adoring thing to me in the world...Your shoulders ... as if nothing pacify my heart except them...I could hear your was fast as mine....We both were trying to act normal but it was heart was succumb...I could not sit lyk this and talk with you..smething is wrong between us...something has chaged...yes it does has......It is a fallacy to believe that everything is nothing is say something....what?...plz... i'll not ask for any reason neither will I ask for any clarification..It wasn't your mistake..or may be it was....but forget all that happened...jst forget those seven are here...this is the moment...say it...say what your eyes are pls dont look at me lyk this..this look of yours kills me...ok...i know....lyk every other ngt today also you are going to sit here whole night and say nothing......
Then,can I ask you something? Was it you who was in love with me? was it you for whom i decided to give up everythin? was it you who held me tight everytym i felt low? was it you who taught me to dream and to feel hpy fr small things around?Then y dont i found you today holding my hand when m feeling immensnely lonesome? Why dunn you break this silence between us and make everything allright? Why dunn you jst be the person whom I loved once? Why things have changed so much? Why exists this awkward distance between us? Why do I feel as if I am in aphelion?
No cant be you. You cant be the same person with whom i spent most beautiful and memorable moments of my lyf. You cant be the one. Then who are you? Why do u cme everyngt and dunn let me sleep. Why every ngt I fnd tears rolling out from my eyes? Why every second your thought distract my mind? Who are you? Why cant you leave me alone? See, still you are standing there and smilling....smilling as if nothing has happen......plz go and let me sleep.......Its been months since I slept with peace in my mind...m eyes are burning.....m becoming insane...plz go n let me sleep......
ok....I kw this ngt also you are going to do the also you are going to sit here whole night and will vanish as d ngt gt's night is again for you and your thoughts!!!!!!!!!!!