Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Being " A Girl" thing..!!!

I smetym see the grls around me and analyze their behaviour. I mean the way they stand...the way they leg neatly on the other and the other nicely placed on the floor. The way they move their hands while they talk. The way their eye balls contract and expand with each passing expression.Their meek smile on each compliment. Typical girl behaviour I mean to say. Discussing things about boys(do-you-know-that -boy -proposed-me thing).....exploring new hairstyles and matching accessories...bitching...gossiping. Complexion and sunscream issues.Beauty consciousness...I mean they carry the whole baggage full of cosmetics with them even if they hv to jst cross the street. I saw some of my colleagues and ex-batchmates carrying the whole bunch of "make-me-look-beautiful" things in parties...I wonder how they manage to remember what they have to put after what. I mean base after foundation or liner before mascara[or may be something else.. I dunn kw the exact name of items :-( ].
But the most important thing which I realized is....I am lacking in all the above mentioned attributes of grls here. Do I hv some problem or they all are defective? Am I different or they all are same? I mean I do behave like grls...yeah..I do. But these are somethings which I just cant handle.Infact I also realized the fact that almost all my friends are male...except fr 2-3 grls the whole circle of mine is occuped with boyfriends(not typical boyfriends...but friends who are boys). Infact I sit and talk with them and tease every other grl around us for fun.My thoughts and ideas are lil bit different from these girls.I take my own decision and face the it positive or negative. But that doesnt mean that I am a tomboyish sort of a girl...I am totally normal and behave lyk a normal girl(or may be not completely normal)...I have feelings and respect for my emotions which most of these 'typical girls' may not have.But I just cant act fake.I cant pretend to be the one I am not.I dont have any problem with these girls...I like many things they ...errr.....ok nw that will take some tym to think.
Anyways...for the time innerself is satisfied with my behaviour....may be weird for most of the grls...but I like it this way. Coz I like the way I am and no one else could play my role better than me. :-)

Monday, April 26, 2010

Midnight moon...creeping night...half closed eyes.....scattered hairs.....swollen lips......and you lay by my side.. Burning desires......tingles on body......sensation of love lust I would say........smell of perfume.....drivin me crazy....
Night darker than silhouette......carnal smile..restless soul....eyes waiting for the right move......flesh all wet in sweat....irresistible you...intractable me....
"Who wants to be in control anyways! . You insist. I agreed.
Mislaid fingertips on your shoulders...fitful heartbeats in your arms........................

A night to remember and a love so beautiful!!!!!!!

Sunday, April 25, 2010

And I Tried..........

I tried to forget you name
and I forgot mine
I tried to remove all your memories
and ended up with a blank mind
I tried not to feel you anymore
but became numb
I tried close my eyes to ease the pain
but slept succumb............

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Living in Gray!!!!

White and black are not my colours...

..........................few things look gracious in gray!!!

Get off from my way...Losers!!!!!!!

I have been amazed by the fact how much people are concerned with my 'personal' life for the last few weeks. They pretend as if how much they care. People who dont even care I exist are sending "take care" messages. Mails, phone calls are keeping me busy more than my work these days. One thing which I dont understand(or may be I kw) is that why out of blue they are so much anxious about "me-and-my-life"? Why am I becoming center of attention in their lives. Whatever it is...these idiots are just exhausting their energy as they dont even know where I am now (not physically offcourse). I give a damn to them and neither their existence nor their absence will affect any part of my being. If they are feeling guilty or something like that...thats a problem...not mine but theirs'....and if they are trying to do sumthing making me feel low or alone...then..hahhh.....keep trying, it'll not take you anywhere in this world. These losers are good for nothing and dont have any damn work in this whole world except for peeping in others life.
They are so bloody concerned with what one write or share with others....if the person who write doesnt has any problem,then why the hell are they worried about the same?I mean what the ........ phewhh.....these losers are just testing my patience....these cowards dsnt have guts enough to utter a single word in front of anyone....still act as if they are the most intellectual breed one can find in the whole universe....bloody pseudo-inttelectuals.
Just stay away from my life or i'll smash your face if ever you try to come across my way!!!!!

P.S : I dont regret for any single word I wrote here!!!!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

And her wait never ends............

Her vacuous eyes has been waiting for him..its been ages now since he left. Deep inside she knew the truth that he'll never come back...but every night she sits at her door and wait for the sound of his footsteps. Her eyes has dried even tears dsnt flow from them.Her numb and solicitous. Years friday night....he left a note to her that he'll come back one day and take her away from here.He'll take all her pain and woes away.He was the one who made her believe in dreams and promised to fulfill all her desires. With him she learnt to fantasize things, to live in an imaginary world.In the few days they were together, she believed that even she can dream of things so beautiful in her life.
She was all alone when he hold her hand.She decided not to trust anyone, to blv in love ever and decided to spend all her life alone when he came in her life and made her alive again.With him she laughed again....loved again.Then why he left her that way? She was so tired of this question now that even her heart and brain do not accompany her to answer this grief.
All she do every friday night is to adorn herself in the costume she wore that night......her bridal dress and vermilion in her hand!!!

Monday, April 19, 2010

piya tora kaisa abhimaan

Kisi mausam ka jhoka tha jo is deewar per latki hui tasveer tirchi ker gaya hai
gaye sawaan me ye deewarein yun seeli nhi thi
na jane is bar kyu in mein seelan aa gayi hai ,dararein pad gayi hain
aur seelan is tarah behti hai jaise khushk ruksaroin per geele aansu chalte hain
ye barish gungunati thi isi chat ke munderoin per
ye ghar ke khidkiyoin ke kaanch per ungliyoin se likh jate the sandeshe
bilakti rehti hai baithi hui ab band roshandano ke peeche
dopherein aisi lagti hain bina mohroin ke khali khane rakhe hian
na koi khelne wala hai bazi aur na koi chaal chalta hai
na din hota hai ab na raat hoti hai...sabhi kuch ruk gaya hai
wo kya mausam ka jhokha tha jo is deewar per latki hui tasveer tirchi ker gaya hai.............

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Quarter-life Crisis (Being in post Twenties)

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.
Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure.
You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you're doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that every one reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.
We call it the "Quarter-life Crisis."

P.S : A mail rcvd this morning from a frnd....

Saturday, April 17, 2010

The Unknown 'Me'!!!!!

People say I write only sad things ..things of past...things which have no relevance today..past is something I cant change..then why to discuss it even...why only write about pain? Why not of things the world around? Why not about corruption, politics, cricket, profession? Why only things so depressing and poignant? Some ask is that all fiction I write or is this d way my lyf is....full of failures and disappointments.
I dont answer any of the question...coz I blv its not worth it. People who kw me know the answer of each and every part of it, for rest...i dont think its even necessary. I write what I feel lyk writting. One who is trying to extract my story and feelings with der own mix and match are just wasting der tym. Der are lots of stories and things beneath my mind and heart...some real, some fiction, some real which i want to be a fiction and vice-versa. Its hard for me even to differentiate between the two...for others..may be impossible. Coz I live a parallel life with this. I talk to people who are not with me today. I sit with my past and talk for hours..I go and meet it everyday...i cry with it ..i laugh with it. And in those moments I dont let anyone to go far from me. I have stole few clicks, few moments from it...with which I live everyday. And in all this..I feel you..near me...with me...beside me..smilling... and looking at me.Yes, I see you everyday and everywhere I go.You dont let me go away, coz I dont want you to let me go. I am your addicted...and you know that. No matter where you you always remain with me..every place I go, I fnd your existence..and we walk together..hand in hand. Those empty streets, those crowded roads, those stairs..I feel you everywhere.
People say I dont want to come out this pain and agony...I dont want to let go things. Yes..I dont want to...coz I like when I cry everynight and my eyes get red and swell for make me feel alive..the pain. Coz If I let this go..I'll lose you..forever. You exist in evry part of my pain...of my reasonless smiles...of my unknown tears.How can I let you go away from me? How can I make myself free from this pain? This is the only way I can feel you with me.How can I lose you?

Thursday, April 15, 2010

He And She (IV)

She: Hello!
He: Hello..whose dis?
She: Hi..its me!
He: Oh! Hi...Actually I ws just going through my 'Answered' list of phone calls wen I found this unknown number. So thought to confirm whoz number is this.May be Ankur has called me from your number. Sry to call so late!
She: Hey..its need of so much of clarifications.
He: howz u?
She: Me gud..wat about you?
He: Me fine.So thought of smething for annual function?
She: Nahh..not yet.Will talk to Tanya and Parul tomorrow. What about you?
He: I have some i need advise and support from whole batch.
She: Hmmm........I can take accountability for my group...or may be all girls.
He: Fine..I'll talk to all boys. Thnx
She:Pleasure Mr.Hacker!!!
He: Hmm........(smiled)...see ya tomorrow then!
She: Sure! Bye!

She was actually surprised to rcv call from Him. First time in her lyf she actually thought of someone before sleep. Was she falling for him?Nah...its too early for that. They need to kw each other better before that. So, finally the phase of knowing each other started................

Wednesday, April 14, 2010


I am trying to blv in one thing these days..."Whatever happens, happen for good. And everything has a reason." Let me clarify one thing here...I am just trying to blv in this statement. Since I am not an optimistic person, i need sme tym to blv in such a thing. But whenever I try to make this statement justified...the only question which comes up in my mind is "Really???" I mean I do blv that every event in lyf has a just need to decode the code and you'll be able to find the hidden mystries. But is that event really mandate in your life? I doubt.
We..The Humans...are very dexterous...we mould and see things in the way we want them to be. If we gt pass we call it our efforts, our success and if we fail...we call it Fate.What a hypocrite we are. We give so many justifications and clarifications for our sins and guilt.Sometym I hate being 'Human'.

P.S: Yeah...I am bit frustrated these days...:-(

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Now And Then...............

I am not happy today...its not like that I am yeah nt happy too. This feeling is strange...m nt feelin numb either...den wat? sme sort of mixed emotions...I have realized one thing off late...I am not liking it related to anything or anyone, I dont like changes. I like life to be from relocation. I like things to remain and faces and new people are things m nt ready to entertain at this point of tym..may be later..may be never..but for nw...i like things as they were before. I want my pen to remain on my table when i cme back...i want to see my clothes scattered on my bed when i return. I love to see each and everything of mine in the way as i left them before leaving. I want to see same faces when I go office...m nt ready to accept new beings around. Why changes are inevitable...why I have to be a part of these changes? They scares things, new people...getting back to square one and starting off again.

I was not like this...Der was a tym when I craved for smething new to happen...Every other day I wanted something different ...something unusual...Bt today...I need a simple lyf...away from twist and surprises, no shocks...just a sedate and subdued living!!!!!!!!!

Monday, April 5, 2010

He and She (III - The first Conversation)

Months Later...

Tanya:This exam thing is screwing me up.Have studied whole night still everything seems to be same.
Parul : Hey whats the basic difference between 2NF and 3NF?Between can we go and have something to eat. I am starving.
Tanya: Shut up!Exam is about to start.
Parul: Oh...mine number is three hundread something...pehle to tumhara aega.
Tanya: Guess what!(looking at the roll number chart). He is going to sit between Nitish and you.
She: Between who?
Parul: Damn! I envy you sometime. Lets interchange our roll numbers...lolz
She: As if I care.Let it be na.I am not going to talk to him between the exam anyways.

In the Lab:

HE: All the best!
SHE: Thanx! Wish you the same.
Parul(smirked):Wish me luck too guys!!
2 hours later:
Parul: I am not going to click on End Test.
Tanya: What the hell! Click it na.
Parul: NO!
Tanya:Are you mad or what?End it now.
Parul: I hate online exams.Turant jhatka de dete hain. I mean whats the need of disclosing result so early?
She: Hey I cleared the exam.
Parul: Where is HE?How much he scored?
Tanya: Must have topped...huhh!!!
She: No! Nitish has topped I guess.
Parul: Then go and ask him atleast how much he scored.
Tanya: You take care of your exam first... end your test now!!

She ran through the corridor. He standing near the water dispenser.

He: Hey!
She: So how much you scored? You got vanish suddenly.
He: Yeah! scored same as yours.
She: Oh!! You know how much I scored.
He: Yeah. Have to take care of few things!(smiled)

P.S.:Their first conversation lasts for about 5 seconds. But things started changing from that very point...From just staring they then started quid pro quo "Hi-Hellos" and Smiles too!!! Yes, things were changing amidst them!!!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

A story not meant to be

This is not the way it was supposed to end. This story has to had some different ending.Things has to be different.This is not what I imagined or liked the way it should be.Something went wrong...something....anything. I decided it to go a long be more intimate, tempest,more passionate, more romantic...But things went the other way around.He was supposed to be her Man today, He was supposed to stand by her side rather then sitting miles away and sharing her space with everyone else.He is supposed to come be with her..they are meant to be together.She cannot cry all her life like this.She cannot be so misfortunate in love.Did she really got loved by him? Was it love actually or he just pretented? If it was love, how can he left her like this in the moddle of nowhere.Is there anyone who really cares for her or she is just meant to be alone?

P.S :Some people are meant to be alone. This is neither good nor bad. This is just Life planned for them.