Tuesday, October 26, 2010

This tryst is making me scared..I dont want this day to come.I dont know why but this time It feels like it is going to be our last meeting which I certainly dont want. we will be meeting after more than a year..but for the first time I am feeling anxious instead of being exicted...I even dont know you want to meet me or not. The day you said you are coming..expectations started building up..i thought I still am special for you...but always clear my doubts when I dont want always show me the real picture when I actually want to live in my dreamland...and hence you proved that I am just like any other person whom you will be meeting this time...your friends, acquaintances, colleagues...everyone...
I have been trying to control my feelings and not to cry for you...and I still am tyring. I have been trying to change myself..but you are my weakness...your avoidance still kills me....I feel scared to get in touch with you, to talk with you...not because that again will lead me to the place you left me...I am still there..standing..waiting for you to come back. The thing which scares me is the way you can you act so normal? How can you talk to me in a way you talk with everyone else...we share a different relation..a different intensity..we were together can you act like this?
We have no future..but still..I wait for you...for my heart says, things will get fine one will come back one day...but this kills me each and every second I live. Live? Dont know whether I should use this word or not..because things really has changed after you left..I am not my usual one...a strange silence I feel all the time inside my awkwardness retains . I try to act nornal..I really do...but my fails me...every time I try to smile..try to feel happy....It feels like lyf has become numb,I have become numb...they say I dont give chance to any other person to fill those gaps...but they dont understand that this place is yours...and no one can ever take this place in my life...

Sunday, October 17, 2010

To Geet- the rhythm of Love!!!

Wish you a very happy bday sweety..You know I have been trying to write this for so long...but then ,may be few things need some special occasions to wait for.
This post and each and every word here is for you. It may sound stereotype but yes I still remember the day we first met...and you know what impression you made on the very first day..I never thought we would make such a good friends. We two are quite different as far as our behaviours are outspoken, loquacious. You used to talk with everyone...and god..non stop.I, on the other hand, was quite reserved. But I always liked the way you bring smile on a dull face. I always liked you but at the same time had a perception that somewhere you lack some level of maturity..but this notion of mine changed entirely when we shared few thoughts and things about our personal lives. I could not believe my eyes then, that its the same girl standing in front of me whom I once thought is too different to even meet some level of my frequency. Time passed by and we shared a lot of things about our lives, our likes, our view and perceptions on various subjects..about life, love, friends, family...
And I realized...we are somewhere our views, in our notions towards relations, love, friends, life etceteras and etceteras. And then there came a time, when I was in a need of a friend..someone who just can listen to me..without questioning anything...without any comment...and there were you...standing by my a patient hearing to all my woes..and then finally bringing a smile on my face with all your peppy talks. We never used to talk everyday..but the level of comfort i share with you..the ease with which I can share anything and everything is just far apart from everything. I cherish each and every moment we spent together...the long talks...the endless discussions...the way you always boasted me up during my downs...the way you understand my heart...your hugs...everything.
You know you are one of the very few person I can talk anytime with and about anything. This is just to say that you are very special..a true person who value relations and knows how to keep them. Your take on relations and the level of maturity I have seen in you...the way you maintain everything..your career, relations, commendable. I learned a lot from you..and still trying to.You are one of the most beautiful and strong person I have met. Just want to say always maintain this attitude of yours…coz you are different…don’t ever lose that quality.

With Lots and lots of love.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

A Part of ME!!!

*There are these deep thoughts running through my mind...still I am blank.A sort of fear, pain , pleasure I am feeling....yes, all at the same time.Reason is something I never get an answer for.

*I love nights...the darkness hide many mysteries beneath its shadow..conceal wildest of desires, the insanity of love.

* People suffocates me, I like being alone..with my thoughts and some old memories.Crowd makes my heart feel uneasy. I Sometime feel like an alien , as I feel so awkward at times coz I cannot feign like them ..laughing, shouting, talking without reason.

*I love crying out loud..with my eyes getting red and swelled. It gives a sense of satisfaction, of being alive. It makes me feel the fervor of being in feel the pain.

*I kind of remain normal during day but as the night comes closer, I feel as if I am an entirely different person..the feelings, the thoughts, the desires...they all changes...completely. I feel scared sometime for my own thoughts.I cannot talk with everyone during this time. I ponder my mind on numerous bizarre issues.And as the day falls in...the thoughts if they were never mine.

* People find it difficult to understand me and my thoughts and I find it really hard to match my frequency with them. In all these years I have not found a single person who understand the REAL ME. One deduce one part of my being while other others'. It haunts me..this never find a person who can understand the complete me.

*Relationships are my big time enemy..or better say I am theirs'. They never stay with me for long. Whenever I try to befriend with them..they ditch the middle of ocean. And so, I detest them now..but then..even hate has some part of love in it.

*I love to be a scorpion, a true one.And I like being with TRUE Scorpions too.I like the mystries they keep with themselves, the aura they have around them, the dominating power, their full of mystries. But I also envy few..for being more powerful in thoughts, for being more enigmatic and more dominating.

Thoughts are endless tonight..perhaps I should stop here. Few things in life should remain undisclosed...

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Deleted few things today.Few memories, few conversations and few messages.They were close...very close but were junked.Could have deleted them all...but want to keep them...because this is what I keep few memories till the last breath of my life. Difference is..this time I will decide the essentials for my being and memories. Self realization is a things which changes the way you look at things. Living without the "basics" of life is not that a tough mobile, no chats, no long talks, no social networking for sometime.The purpose in not to become a hermit but to realize your find your limits of living without them.
This time I am not alone..but seclude from the world around.This time I asked memories to be with me for sometime now. Memories of beautiful past...of being in love..of loving someone with craze ans passion. Yes, Being in love is a beautiful feeling..and I think it should not depend on the presence of that person with you...coz its not the physical presence that matter but the madness of his/her memories, the feeling of loving him with your soul, the purity of your matter if its nameless. I am happy today with the fact that I loved someone with all my heart and I still a limit that even his absence does not effect the way I feel for him. Infact in all these years, my intensity of loving him has only increased.
I still am unaware of my desires, what I want...but for the time being...things are going fine.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

A sojourn to oblivion...

After spending the last two days with myself and thinking in what direction my life is rolling, I decided to give a second chance to life and live in a way my heart wants to. Last few years have really been tough and has changed a lot of things inside me. The way I treat life,things and people around me. How I define Love and hatred, how I feel about the little beautiful things around. I realized that I am getting obsessed..with people, with things, with any and everything around. My expectations with people are dying but at the same time are getting hell lot of strong with few people...and this thing hurts...the "Extremes" of anything. I realized that I either HATE something lyk hell or love it like insane...I cant remain neutral with things.The GIRL I was and a person I am today...are completely opposite..undoubtedly I love to be the former. But few scars just cant be healed and so I cant be the same sweet girl I used to be...but yes an effort could be made to atleast get a fraction of it. My life has been rushing with a speed of a light year...things has been changing drastically within a fraction of second... missed a lot of things and happy moments in this journey...but now I want life to be slow...for sometime atleast. I want to see the world around unknown to me..unexplored, pristine and want to re-live few moments.
And henceforth...I am taking some time off from this life..not because I dont like this one..its just that I want to know the "Me" in me...I want to know why things are getting worst from worse in my life...why I am losing everything...relations, freinds, confidence...everything. I dont know what will happen tomorrow...and now I dont care. I dont care If I get into a good college or not, if I get my dream job or not..I am ready to work even for few pennies if that satiate my soul. I have always been so anxious about things in my life, my career, my future....and even after burning midnight oil, things are not going my way..then why to get afraid of??
So..I am excluding myself from all the social activities...talking, chatting ...going out with friends...answering stupid questions about past...talking about future...holding expectations from those someones'....everything....everything which hurt and makes my heart weep. I am not angry with anyone..nor any single person holds the responsibility of my decision...Its what I want to do for myself..for sometime.

(P.S.One request for my few friends here...plz dont ask any question and please dont give any call to ask for the same. Their is a great possibility that I will not be able to receive your calls..dont take things soon as I feel right I myself will give a call to all of you..this is just a time off....for few days.And yes...this is the only place I am not going to lose contact with ]