Of Age and Expectations!

Growing up is never easy. Being an adult, we ought to give up so much. Not to anyone in particular. But to life. The dark circles of an inch size, wrinkles caused due to constant worry, pale face with not an iota of natural glow. Grey hair. Permanent state of tiredness. I am always tired. Tired of work, of travelling hours in metro, of worry, of thoughts and anxiety, of complaints. Of fighting with myself and my thoughts. How much an exhausted person could fight anyway? I feel I will give up. Very soon. This world consumes a lot of my energy. And I am not ready for it. Maybe because I have no energy left, with all the struggle and the fights with the world. There is no progression in my thoughts. No broadening of perception. No moving forward. My energy gets waste in things that hold no value. That shouldn’t hold any value. This is the least I expected from life. Could this be because of my surroundings? Coz I am not surrounded by people with whom I could talk about life, about something productive. I don’t look at the moon anymore. I look at my face into the mirror. And I feel, I feel nothing. Numb. I want to ask myself where I am heading towards. But I don’t. I can’t. Coz my mind is not healthy enough to ask such questions. I feel with age, I am not learning anything that would help me to grow as a person. I am tired of all the negativity around me. Usually, I just step back from such people and surroundings. I maybe a loner. But I have been a hopeful person. Not enthusiastic. But a little hopeful. That life will be fine. If not good or best, it will be fine atleast. Now. Now I don’t claim any such thing. I cannot think about life anymore. Or maybe, I do not have the stamina left to think about life, myself or anything else. Do you think it’s worth it? A life like this? I want to read though. Read and travel. I wanted this year to be full of books and travel. And I could do none. No explanation. No excuse. I just couldn’t.

With this year coming to an end, I am not hoping anything bright and beautiful next year. I am not. Coz this burden of expectation ruins a lot of things. I just one want thing. That may this year never repeat itself, not even in bits and pieces.

October Sky!

October in Delhi is not so October-y. Mornings and Nights are comparatively breezy though. But days are hot. Feels like June. However, there is this strange emptiness during the afternoons. Like the day loses its soul during the afternoons. I feel a strange void. Sometimes I feel a sense of shiver down my spine. My hands feel cold. My legs feel weak. And my mind….my mind feels numb. Numbness is the lack of feeling though. I could feel the numbness. I find it hard to type, to see, to speak, to hear. And this anxiety. This anxiety of what is going to happen next. The uncertainly. The excitement. The rush. The scary feeling.

Last year this time, I was busy shopping for my wedding. And I remember feeling the same thing that time too. Does this happen every year with me? I don’t remember. This is the third year when my life is undergoing a major change during this time of the year. Do you think this maybe the cause?

Last night I couldn’t sleep. I twisted and curled but I just could not sleep. Could this be a kind of hangover for last night? My mind feels restless with no sign of calming down. I just need to calm down. Sit quiet for some time and think nothing. Is it that tough? To calm your mind and your body for few minutes?

Is it because of the hormonal disease? Or is it just psychological? I want to believe in the former. I could treat it atleast. I have to. People may not understand the changes I am going through. The havoc this disease is causing in my physical and mental being. But atleast I know the reason if it’s not psychological.

What else could a person like me hope for? A reason to know the insanity within.