Monday, April 25, 2011

A Change...for a Change ;-)

I wonder how my life would be if I had taken some other decisions for my life? The people I met here..things I learned..would it all be different? This feeling of love , care, affection..would it all be for someone else? Would my life be better or worse?

Many times we think of going back and change few decisions of our few choice..Choosing the right college…loving someone else. But what thing make us sure that those decisions which we could have taken would prove to be right? They could have been even more disastrous!

The very idea of not having my dearest pal with me or to have someone else at his place, makes me goes nuts sometimes. Things I learned in this life till matter how brutally life has treated me…it has given me some beautiful moments to cherish all my life. For they say..nothing lasts..and hence no one can stay with you all life. But, what linger on are the memories you spent with them. ..both good and bad. We need them both… good and bad memories. It’s not bad to cry. Tears sometimes satiate the soul and make it feel alive. You hate some moments of your life…love some immensely…but now when you think about them…don’t you think life would have been incomplete without them!

I know I am not talking complete sense here but is it necessary to talk sense everytime? Is it always necessary to think how and in what way our life is going? I have stop thinking about it…for how long I would be able… I have no idea…but these days I am just not thinking about anything. And I don’t have to put any effort for that. ..this is the way things are working for me on their own. I don’t know if I call it numbness but yes I have recovered the trauma of past to an extent that today I almost don’t feel anything about it. I am fine with it! Not sad atleast! This change is good for a change!

Saturday, April 16, 2011

She- A woman!

She is just a girl…a girl in her youth…an age when all a person want is to love and be loved. And what is she doing? Crying. Why? She had a fight…a fight with the people she loves the most. A fight she is fighting for them. When will they understand that she too has a heart. She too gets hurt. She is just not a machine to fulfill all their necessities but a human being. Is it her mistake if she can’t express her love and care she has for them? Is it her fault if she not complains for things she don’t has! Why does she always have to fight for the things which are not hers’? For the things she wants to do for them.

Look at her for once. Behind those cold eyes are the dreams she once saw. Dreams to fly…to love and be be with her dream man. She believed in fairy tales…in Cinderella…in the existence of mermaids. They say dreams never come true. That life is cruel. That it snatches things away. What things, they never tell. What cruelty, they never mention.

But today…today is a reality and not mere fantasy or dream. Today she knows what cruelty they talked about…what things they never mentioned. She doesn’t want to fight anymore. Not for them…not even for herself. She just wants to go someplace far from here…to fulfill all her dreams….to live the way she wanted…to lose herself in some unknown place. For once she wants to cross all forbidden boundaries. She knows the secret of her body. The beauty she hides from the world. Her Love. Her Madness. Her hope. She wants to break all the shackles and fly free…with no boundaries, no one to answer her deeds. For once she wants to forget all she knows and wants to know the unknown. For once she wants to be a woman she always wanted to.

And for once she wants to sing out loud:

There’s no time to lose
I heard her say
Cash your dreams
Before they slip away
Dying all the time
Lose your dreams and you
Will lose your mind


Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Déjà vu

I see glimpse of my past flashing in front of my eyes every minute of each passing day. I see my yesterday dreams running inside my mind. Dreams I forgot years back. Things I lost. People I missed. All of them. It feels like suddenly all those things want to come back to me.

About Dreams
Those dreams where I see trees…huge trees…lush green…flowers all around and within seconds it turns to be nothing but a barren land. And I stood there…saying nothing..with cold eyes and no movement at all. I have seen that place somewhere in real. Where? I don’t remember. I had this dream when I was a kid. About seven-eight years old. And now..suddenly my mind went back and I saw those trees…that barren land with open eyes.

I am a victim of bad dreams. People dream of good things…I dream of things that make no sense in this life. I see women…dressed in blood red ghagras, black chunris and bangles. I can’t see their faces…not once. Only thing I could see apart from them are their homes….weird they look to me…broken, half cemented, grey bricks…so many houses in a row…and a well….dry..old.

I often had dreams of someone taking me to a place where there are walls…all white….no house…no doors but walls….huge…big..Shinning white like diamonds! I never have seen the face of that “someone” but I always felt that he/she is someone I know.
And from the past few months I dream of him. He..taking me to places..talking something I couldn’t understand. His face..I couldn’t see his face sometime…but I know it is him. I couldn’t hear his voice but could sense him around. He always takes me to this place which looks very familiar yet I could not recall where and what it is.

These days…I see five to six dreams in one night…and rarely do I remember what I have seen after I woke up. But about all those above stated dreams and many more…I don’t know why suddenly I remember them all and for what reason they are again a part of my thoughts after years!

About People

We meet hundreds and thousands of people in our life. Remember some…forget others. As we move forward we forget more than half of ‘remembered’ people as we are too busy making new friends..meeting new people..going to new places. Very few people, we actually are able to take along. It happens with everyone and so I am no exception here. But, today…when I stopped for sometime…I get blurred memories of these people whom I left far behind. I feel as if those people are still with me. As if they still are talking with me…sharing laughs…fights…secrets…giggles. My junior classes school friends…few neighbors…people I met during my summer vacations at my grandparents place. People met during journeys…bus stands…streets…shops...stations. I always love sitting at stations. I always reach stations before time..and I have met some wonderful people sitting with me waiting for their trains.

Yes, they all are coming back to me…all of a sudden. People call it Déjà vu.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I hate it what you have done to me!

Because of you not even he listens to me now. Whenever I talk about you he changes the topic. I feel frustrated. Rarely do I talk about you these days…and whenever I do it’s only him with whom I talk. We have our own problems…but still I talk about you..for no good reason. He doesn’t listen to me when I talk about you. He says he don’t want to see me sad and crying again..he doesn’t want to see me in same agony and pain. I know he is right. I know you are a history now..a history which would never repeat itself. You are a dream which would never get fulfill….a never satiating thirst. I don’t want you back…but I need my life back. I need my giggles back. I need my dreams back. He says he don’t talk about you coz that would make me feel low…that he can’t see me crying..that he can’t see me playing with my life like this. I shout at him…I fight with him because of this. But..later I realize he is doing that for me. He is the only person who cares for me today genuinely. No matter how rude he behaves sometime…I know he is doing this to save me from the pain.

I hate it what you have done to me. I feel guilty and angry sometimes for the things I shared with you…for the time I spent with you…for the nights I thought about you..for the days I dreamt of you having with me…for all your broken promises…for all your fake words. ..for the mockery of my feelings. I am not trying not to think about! I don’t think about you all day now…but still I can’t avoid few moments of urge and insanity to talk to you. You today are like a distant memory yet fresh. I sometimes feel that nothing happened ever amidst us…that still you’ll call me someday and make me laugh with your baby tone talks. I hate myself for I loved you once so madly and I still do…I feel angry for I believed you words…I feel stupid for I still believe you did a favour to me by doing all this. This feeling is all mixed up. I feel so helpless when I hate and love you both at the same time. He says you don’t care a bit for what I have gone through and still going through…he says I mean nothing to you. I don’t want to believe him…but my mind says he us right. I don’t know if he say all this for make me hate you. Maybe!

Today’s night I am not going to sleep. I can’t! Today is one of those nights when mind and heart seems to swap places...when reality moves in...when things fade..when you struck between yesterday and tomorrow...when you think everything is going fine and a disaster takes place. And that disaster is your memories! I wish I could drink today…the only escape from pain and your memories for a night!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

A difference between yesterday and today!

I am afraid. Afraid of the uncertainties ..of the future…of present…of my relationships with few left over friends. I am afraid of these changes…not the changes around but the changes within. I hardly care for anyone these days..I never cared for myself but was always anxious about the people I loved. Today, It’s all a different story. I’ll be leaving this place soon…maybe forever…my friends, parents..everyone. The place where I lived for 22 years…but not an inch of grief or nostalgia exists within me. I’ll be leaving my friends who once were the inseparable part of my soul….the people I met long memories…love…fun. I am emotional…highly emotional when it comes to dear ones. Then why I am not feeling bad for leaving them…this place…these memories? I really am afraid of these changes within me. I don’t want to be a cold fish. ..coz this is just not me! I am facing problems…hell of problems. Family conditions, personal problems, career uncertainties…but my reactions are weird. So weird that sometimes I actually think is it me???

Love…it has taken a backseat in my life…the last one infact! Today, when I see people talking about love, commitments, life-log relations…I laugh at them. I don’t cry for him now…and I wish this stays for long…or forever. I really don’t want to waste a single tear for him…it’s not worth it! Infact, I don’t want to cry for anyone today. I already have wasted tons of tears for so many people in my life. I wonder if I could use those buckets of water for our planet earth in someway… :-P . No seriously…atleast wo worth to hota!

Talking with people is a bygone story. That has stopped long ago. Next victim was my mobile which kept on ringing for hours but no one was interested to attend it. This continues even today. And now..its my FB and gmail chat. 70% of the people are blocked in my list…including some near ones. And for rest 30%....ahemmm. See sometimes I don’t receive your messages and for rest I am not in a mood to talk. Yes, I have become hell of a moody person.

People may say that I am behaving rude…arrogant..and whatever they want..It doesn’t matter to me now. Not that I don’t have feelings left or that I don’t love my friends anymore…but sometimes you need to Re-set your priorities..for good. I would never talk to you in bad tone(till the time you are good to me)…I won’t scream at you(provided you are not doing the same)…but yes…I hate HATE people who throw unnecessary tantrums or show useless attitude. for them…no commitment of my sweetness. I am sweet…very sweet with the people who are real.

But sometimes I miss the old ultra-sweet, caring Mansi. I loved her…I still love her. She has lost somewhere amidst this fake world…between these fake promises…broken dreams. She is too vulnerable to accept these realities of life. Maybe.. I’ll find her again…sometime…someday!

If only...

If only I were more beautiful
I could have made relations stayed in my life
If only I would have known
That Love is not just an inner feeling
If only I would have smiled fake
I could make people attached with me
If only I knew
That care and affection is a passé in today’s world
If only you would ever know
How it feels to feel neglected
If only we could stand by our relations
Things would have been different
If only I could tell you
Love is all I have to give and nothing else

(P.S I wrote this poem some 1.5-2 years back...found it today by-chance..and hence, here it is!)