I am afraid. Afraid of the uncertainties ..of the future…of present…of my relationships with few left over friends. I am afraid of these changes…not the changes around but the changes within. I hardly care for anyone these days..I never cared for myself but was always anxious about the people I loved. Today, It’s all a different story. I’ll be leaving this place soon…maybe forever…my friends, parents..everyone. The place where I lived for 22 years…but not an inch of grief or nostalgia exists within me. I’ll be leaving my friends who once were the inseparable part of my soul….the people I met here..life long memories…love…fun. I am emotional…highly emotional when it comes to dear ones. Then why I am not feeling bad for leaving them…this place…these memories? I really am afraid of these changes within me. I don’t want to be a cold fish. ..coz this is just not me! I am facing problems…hell of problems. Family conditions, personal problems, career uncertainties…but my reactions are weird. So weird that sometimes I actually think is it me???
Love…it has taken a backseat in my life…the last one infact! Today, when I see people talking about love, commitments, life-log relations…I laugh at them. I don’t cry for him now…and I wish this stays for long…or forever. I really don’t want to waste a single tear for him…it’s not worth it! Infact, I don’t want to cry for anyone today. I already have wasted tons of tears for so many people in my life. I wonder if I could use those buckets of water for our planet earth in someway… :-P . No seriously…atleast wo worth to hota!
Talking with people is a bygone story. That has stopped long ago. Next victim was my mobile which kept on ringing for hours but no one was interested to attend it. This continues even today. And now..its my FB and gmail chat. 70% of the people are blocked in my list…including some near ones. And for rest 30%....ahemmm. See sometimes I don’t receive your messages and for rest I am not in a mood to talk. Yes, I have become hell of a moody person.
People may say that I am behaving rude…arrogant..and whatever they want..It doesn’t matter to me now. Not that I don’t have feelings left or that I don’t love my friends anymore…but sometimes you need to Re-set your priorities..for good. I would never talk to you in bad tone(till the time you are good to me)…I won’t scream at you(provided you are not doing the same)…but yes…I hate HATE people who throw unnecessary tantrums or show useless attitude. ..so for them…no commitment of my sweetness. I am sweet…very sweet with the people who are real.
But sometimes I miss the old ultra-sweet, caring Mansi. I loved her…I still love her. She has lost somewhere amidst this fake world…between these fake promises…broken dreams. She is too vulnerable to accept these realities of life. Maybe.. I’ll find her again…sometime…someday!