Mirage - Reality or Delusion?

Who you are to me, I wonder

An excuse for solace or just a medium to hide

Hide from the fears, hide from the demons inside

Or you are just another person who passes by

Sometimes I sit and ponder, how to define this

A face I never came across in real but spend all my time with

But oh my friend, this heart is naïve

It doesn’t understand the change in fate

It keeps on asking for even more affection and warmth

Poor he…does not know things have changed so far

What to do now.. a step back or stand still?

Coz it has started affecting my will

Lets not go further and make it tough

Coz I am still a sensitive bud

No reasons filled, no logics involved

But my heart is not ready to bear that all

All that happened, from where it all evolved

Coz every story may begin different …but has the same halt

Maybe I am not people person…or maybe it’s someone else’s fault

But this is the way I am today, unpredictable…insane and out of control

You are broken and so am I, pain here is hard to deny

For the search of contentment, lets not create another void

Lets not fake and pretend we don’t have a choice

End it here, end it right now

I don’t know if it still matters….but my friend…lets bid adieu somehow!

Mid-life crisis? Mundane thoughts!

When I read about midlife crisis some five years back..I wasn’t sure what the fuss is all about. You know all that friends getting married, waking up in the middle of night not knowing where your life is heading towards, feeling alone all of a sudden, having zillion of doubts about life…about love…and most importantly about yourself.

Today…when I look back, I realize what a long way I have come since then. What turn around my life has taken and what a person I have become today. Yes, I have become more independent…..emotionally…financially…physically. I am coming in terms with life. There is no-one or nothing today which takes me by surprise or shock. Coz I have accepted almost everything. Today, if someone hurts me or pushes me to my limit…instead of complaining I just take a step back. I have somewhere make a distance with everything around. Too much of familiarity give rise to expectations and with expectations comes disappointment and with disappointment you get into pain again. It’s all like a vicious circle.

Yet…sometimes…I feel lost. People turn me off. Fake emotions…those oh-i-so-care-for-you talks piss me off. I do not want anyone to expect anything from me…coz I know I would never be able to fulfill their expectations. And if I can’t, I do not have any right to expect from them. This world works on give and take relationship. You give something…you expect something back. It always…..always works like that. So those who says ‘my love for you is oh-so-selfless are just lying’. There are no free lunches in life.

But, at times…I ponder over things that sound so mundane the next day. I wonder do I have anyone to whom I could call 3 in the morning…without giving a thought..and just talk my heart out? Is there anyone who could understand me in a way that even I couldn’t? Is there any person who could take away all my fears and makes me believe?

Not that I do not have people who don’t love me or care for me. Or I am lonely and all. But I guess there exist very thin line between being lonely and being alone. I do not feel lonely….I feel alone. As if I have wake up from a dream and have found myself in a middle of a road…not knowing what direction to go towards. I believe most of us feel that way at some point of time. We all have been there. Yet we all have different fates. Different destinies.

It’s scary..not knowing where to go…what to do. But what’s scarier is to not know when it will end. The uncertainty. The doubts. Whether to take a step forward or to stand still…and wait for the storm to pass. Whether it’s only you or the whole world is looking at the wrong direction. Whether it’s just a beginning or it’s about to get over!

Is the world ready to accept the 'changed' you?

When you change your world….going from one polar region to another…you face consequences. Consequences of not being understood…or rather being misunderstood or the worst of being understood as the one you are not.

This is why familiarity is bliss at times. You do not need to go those extra miles to make someone understand that this is not who you are. The person they see is not the one who lives inside your soul. This is why sometimes getting close or getting to know to new people after a certain point of time is hard.

When we were in teens or early age of being in college…meeting new people…making friends…all this seems nothing but as natural as being at home wearing sweatpants….lying on the sofa…eating chips. But as we grow old…we make believes…and principles….about ourselves…about the kind of person we become by then. And we become so stiff and stubborn with our behavior that flexibility takes a back seat.

And then…if we meet people…we show them the face which is the result of years long learning…lessons…heartbreaks. We become the reflection of the people we met in past. We do not try to reveal the real us to the people we meet later. Somewhere scared of getting hurt…of being taken for granted. At those moments of feeling low….or alone…instead of turning to a friend or calling our parents….we tend to deal with our mess ourselves. Yes, this is the kind of ego we develop with time.

So what if the person you just met couldn’t understand you. You never expected that. Coz in real….you doesn’t understand yourself at times…and surprise…or rather shock yourself with the kind of reaction you give or the behavior you possess. So what if the people around think you are as cold as a fish and have no warmth and affection for anyone..this is what you are showing them. So what if people think you are crazy and weird and behave like a psycho at times….they have no idea of the loving and sane person that is crying to get out of this cage.

How does it matter…..how? What people think or how they think? How on the earth could their opinion hurt you? Do they have that power? Are you concerned?

But what if….what if somewhere they start to become someone from no-one. What if you want them to understand you and hold you? What if you want them to not judge you and to accept you as whom you are? Do you have the choice? Do you have the right? Do you know where you are and where your life is?