Sunday, September 15, 2013

Mid-life crisis? Mundane thoughts!

When I read about midlife crisis some five years back..I wasn’t sure what the fuss is all about. You know all that friends getting married, waking up in the middle of night not knowing where your life is heading towards, feeling alone all of a sudden, having zillion of doubts about life…about love…and most importantly about yourself.

Today…when I look back, I realize what a long way I have come since then. What turn around my life has taken and what a person I have become today. Yes, I have become more independent…..emotionally…financially…physically. I am coming in terms with life. There is no-one or nothing today which takes me by surprise or shock. Coz I have accepted almost everything. Today, if someone hurts me or pushes me to my limit…instead of complaining I just take a step back. I have somewhere make a distance with everything around. Too much of familiarity give rise to expectations and with expectations comes disappointment and with disappointment you get into pain again. It’s all like a vicious circle.

Yet…sometimes…I feel lost. People turn me off. Fake emotions…those oh-i-so-care-for-you talks piss me off. I do not want anyone to expect anything from me…coz I know I would never be able to fulfill their expectations. And if I can’t, I do not have any right to expect from them. This world works on give and take relationship. You give something…you expect something back. It always…..always works like that. So those who says ‘my love for you is oh-so-selfless are just lying’. There are no free lunches in life.

But, at times…I ponder over things that sound so mundane the next day. I wonder do I have anyone to whom I could call 3 in the morning…without giving a thought..and just talk my heart out? Is there anyone who could understand me in a way that even I couldn’t? Is there any person who could take away all my fears and makes me believe?

Not that I do not have people who don’t love me or care for me. Or I am lonely and all. But I guess there exist very thin line between being lonely and being alone. I do not feel lonely….I feel alone. As if I have wake up from a dream and have found myself in a middle of a road…not knowing what direction to go towards. I believe most of us feel that way at some point of time. We all have been there. Yet we all have different fates. Different destinies.

It’s scary..not knowing where to go…what to do. But what’s scarier is to not know when it will end. The uncertainty. The doubts. Whether to take a step forward or to stand still…and wait for the storm to pass. Whether it’s only you or the whole world is looking at the wrong direction. Whether it’s just a beginning or it’s about to get over!


Blasphemous Aesthete said...

We all thought that, one time or the other. Ponder often, you'll know it is never black or white, it is somewhere in between, in grey that we lie, and yet we lie to ourselves that we lie on the edges.
It all boils down to expectations and desires, doesn't it. And great people often advocate against it. Sigh, better said than done.
But these bouts of doubt are once in a blue moon you know, just like an alarm on snooze, going off after few days, or even months or years reminding us that we are not islands.
I wrote something recently under the same mood.

Friends, are necessary. One is enough, but then we need insurance cover too.

Blasphemous Aesthete

mansi kashyap said...

Life is all about living in grey. Isn't?
And about doubts...hmmm...they come and the tides...deep inside the mind and the heart.
Liked what you wrote..guess we all have those dull days...and guess we all know how our day is gonna be !