Tuesday, January 26, 2010

What If????????

What if one day everything around me becomes blurr...what if one day i'll loose my frnds..what if one day i become "who?" to the ppl close to me..what if one day i become nothing more than a story? what if..............................
Der was a phase between my 10th and +2 ...a phase when i have to left my school...a place where i spent 12 yrs of my life.......losing frnds, acquaintance, teahcers, be in a place so new..unknown....Class 11th....first day..i was terrified, alone,anxious..not knowing where to go...with whom to talk....will i be able to make new friends? will i be able to make a place in their life? will i be able to make myself "Known" to the ppl here? Time passed and I became an important part of this new crowd....Crushes, laughter, bunks and studies...all were almost perfect at der own place.....I made cluster of new frnds here.....lyf was complete, I was saturated...or what I call "satisfied".
Farewell..Boards...exams....studies...and finally end of Phase 1. I was amazed to notice that I was a complete different person when i complete schooling...I learned not to take lyf as it comes, to adjust with the situations, to accept things as they are......But to fight for the things and your rights....I became a confident and a bold person. Ready to face the challenges of life and this tym...I wasnt feeling frightened to face to new world....lack of suppleness is not that a bad thing i thought.
And den comes Phase 2...."College". I was still the same arrogant person. But this phase was different. I was now facing a real world..a world full of uncertainities and risk...A world just different from my previous world. I made my own world here...made friends whom I can never forget in life....spent moments which i'll cherish forever..and I met love...that was a phase so real and so close to my heart. I lived countless life, thousand lively moments. Learning was a different thing but implementation was wat i applied here. Our faculty always used to say designing a software is not enough until you implement it. How true.Life found new dimensions.
But then, life cant always be the same. Its lyk economic cycle. If their is a boom, then der will also be a slowdown..and then how my life could be an exception? As the time passes, I lost many things in this gamble.And most impotantly lost the REAL me.But then life always compensate the losses.I may have lost myself but got beautiful memories to linger on....friends ready always to stand by my side.
But for how long could they stand beside me? for how long could I live in this virtual world? For how long could I avoid the real things? One day I have to left them...I have to go far from this place...and have to face the ugly things...With those beautiful moments der were things which has made me to lose myself...that pain, that agony one day again will rise....closing my eyes could not change the fact....what if it will come back again in the most unexpected way...what if I will never be able to forget those things? What if I will never be able to live a normal life? What if one day everything around me becomes blurr...what if one day i'll loose my frnds..what if one day i become "who?" to the ppl close to me..what if one day i become nothing more than a story? what if..............................

Friday, January 22, 2010


She wasnt prepared for that moment...infact she had never thought of taking such a decision...she was not strong enough to face it alone..but that has to be done....for how long could she carry burden of a dead relation...a relation with no future, with no name, with no lyf of its own.....she decide to do that during her journey....amidst noise, crowd, a place unknown....Delhi station....a place where no one kws her and so no one could see her tears....her fingers were almost trembling while she was typing some text .....this was the fifth tym she wrote something and deleted it....choosing the right word has always been a problem with her.....her heart was crying like a new born baby.....she closed her eyes , her heart missed a beat.....
She knows deep in her heart the reason of that wasnt the uncertainity of their future, it wasnt either that she wanted to give sme name to der nameless relation.....but reason was that she wants d one to whom she texed to be happy.....she knew that her absence wont make much difference in his life(not either does her presence made any)......but she was tired...tired of makin a place in his life....tired of the fear of losing him....he wasnt her neways.....but she was afraid....uncountable sleepless nights she has spend....unnumbered catastrophic days has faced...and today here she is...standing in the middle of nowhere...with a tear in her eye and thousands of thought runing across her mind.......but he ...sitting miles away ...without any mere idea of wat she is going thru......may be coz he has find his way...coz he has find "her" whom he belongs.......though she always knew that she would come back someday....and today she has.....and now he is hers......all hers'....................................

Why lyf always shut its door when shez at the doorstep????.....

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


How often I get this feelin of being lost, of being many person caged in one forget everything and everyperson associated with me and my life and to start of again from point zero. To be in a place so unknown and stand in between the road at night ..and vehicles hasting in every direction around lyk insane till i reach the point infinity, to hear clamor instead of voice, to shout.... where there is no one to question my deeds, where I dont have to feel quilty for my pessimism attitude....where there is no one to exhibit I am tired of such humanity of others. Why dont they understand I dont need them,I love to be alone...I am happy with the way my life is. I dont like socializing with people around..I like strangers....I love spending tym with an unknown person sitting miles away from me, or sitting next to me...neither he is bothered with my life nor do I. We both are happy with our own space and yet we smile at each other. I am happy for limiting my social circle from fifties of friends to merely 3-4. I love sitting in a cafe for hours alone when everyone around me is having a company. People first gave a bizarre look watching me sitting alone, but then for how long could my loneliness be a centre of concern for them....2-3 days and then they too get used to the cafe boy dont give a puzzled look...instead welcome with a smile and make my cappuccino ready in minutes.
Yes, ppl may find me frustated. I also may not be a stable moment I may feel very happy but other second I fill my heart with sorrow. One moment I want something desperately but other moment I may crave for something else. I have my own world own ways of being own reasons to feel sad. But this is me, and I dont feel ashamed of anything.

P.S.:I never said, "I want to be alone." I only said, "I want to be left alone." There is all the difference.