2017 and the year ahead

2017 was a bad year. So bad that I want to eliminate every thought of it from my memory. Alas, if only I could. It drained all my energy and my self-believe. I became a person I could not recognize. There was so much negative vibes around that I could do nothing but fight. And at some point of time, I gave up. I gave up coz all I thought was not to hurt people around me. I stopped thinking about myself, my well being, my mental status. It was tough not only personally, but professionally too. I was in a constant battle to prove myself. I never believed in gender discrimination in office environment because I never faced one, until last year. I had to prove myself at every step. I started hating my job and to be honest I was doing it just for the sake of money.

2017 made me a person I never wanted to be. Infact, I hated myself for being who I became. I became a victim of many diseases. Both mental and physical. It drained all my health and mental peace. Nothing gave me peace. Food, travel, holiday…nothing. I thought I could not fight anymore. I had no energy left with me. All the rules and principles that I followed all my life were mocking me for being such a person. I am not a person who give up easily. I am a fighter and a survivor. But I broke down. In front of anyone and everyone. I am not someone who look up to people to support me…emotionally, financially and physically. But that time, I was so vulnerable, that I thought I could do nothing and capable of nothing.

I thought I could not survive it. But I did. I did survive, fought and took myself out from that aura that was dragging me down. They say every incident changes you. Some makes you better and some bitter. I thought, this one year made me bitter, more that I could think of. And no matter how hard I hit myself for it, I know I am not responsible for what happened to me. When you get hit by the people you love….when they let you down and break your trust time and again…there is only anger that is going to come out of it.

This year…I want to work on myself. To stop caring about people and live for myself for once. To vent out the anger no matter how much hurt others would feel, coz I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want to fight with myself anymore. I want to do whatever I could to get myself back on track. Because this? This is not who I am. I am better and I deserve better and I will fight for it…till the end…till I will not become the person who I really am. This year, I hope, I could do justice to myself and give myself back the pride and love and care I lost last year!

Save yourself. Be your own Hero!

I have been binge watching Grey’s anatomy again. I have already watched 11 seasons and after a gap of about 2 years instead of going back to 12th season, I decided to re-watch them all. I have been quite an addict of this sitcom and I would give up anything to watch even one episode of Grey’s. I remember I started watching it in 2013 when I was going through an all-time low of my life. And every dialogue uttered by the characters gave me a strange high. It, along with couple of other sitcoms, gave me lot of courage and support to come out of that phase.

I am not a happy person. I am an old school. I believe in relationships, commitments and words. I believe in romance and letters and stars. But I am not a happy person. My heart always goes towards melancholy than the bright chirpy things. No, I am not a sadist. Before I knew this thing about myself, I was in constant battle. Battle to be happy, to be a part of society, to please people I care about. But I was never at peace. I was totally unaware about who I was. And then, with time, with age, with phases and thanks to sitcoms and books like these, I realized, I am not a happy person. And it is okay. It is okay to not be okay at times. To not pretend happiness when you are not happy. To feel rush of emotions. To love letters more than messages, hand made cards than expensive archies or hallmark. To sit and just look at the sky for hours, to love roaming alone than with bunch of people who just pretend to be with you.

While watching Grey’s again, I realized how much I am comfortable in my own skin today. Few years back, I was battling to be a part of someone else’s’ life. And today, I am just doing fine. Not shouting or jumping in happiness, but just sitting, looking at the world outside my window and writing this. I have realized that I am not a people person and would rather like to be alone at times. I am still not a happy person. No sir. But I am satisfied with that I have made of my life. Whatever I am doing for myself and my people on my own. I am fine that I do not have to look for some to support me in any way…financial, emotional. Whatever comes to me today is an added gift.

I understand people better. I know who care and who just pretend to care. I have made my principles and I abide by them. I value words and I value morals. And all that because I know myself better today. I know what I want and from what things or people I need to distant myself with. I know where I am and where I want to go. And that’s the greatest thing you know. When you know where you are. And you know where you want to go.

I think, to be fine with yourself (not happy, but fine), all you need is to know yourself better. And be true to yourself. Anything and everything else is just a phase. Nothing is constant. Only you are. And as Meredith said once “"I think you can’t wait for someone to fly underneath you and save your life. I think you have to save yourself." See? Be your own hero!”