Melancholy- A lifetime affair.

I don’t remember for how long I have been feeling lost, for how long I feel that I am trapped in a life I never wanted to end with. Everyday my heart says I do not belong here. That I must leave. My mind asks, what is wrong. Well, nothing is wrong technically. But you know how melancholy plays its role, right? I feel I will never feel alright. I will never feel at home. I have been trying hard to fit it, but nothing soothes this hapless mind. And now, I am scared. I am scared that someday, I might leave this all behind. Breaking the hearts of people, I love. I care for. But today, even love feels like a distant word. Coz truly, I don’t seem to care.

I sometimes wonder, if I was born this way. What was the last time I felt ‘happy’ or satisfied. And honestly, I don’t remember. It has nothing to do with anything or anyone. It has everything to do with me. I sometimes dream of leaving the city, leaving the country and start afresh. But, for what? To feel incomplete again? Wat is home, I don’t remember anymore. Feeling overwhelmed with laughter and love, I can’t recall. I have always been in this phase, waiting for something to get over and anxious about the next phase. But eventually, nothing changes. Or, I never change. The feeling never changes neither does the hollowness.

And today, I am so scared of my own thoughts that I don’t even want to confront them. I don’t want to write. Coz I feel I know what I want and scared of it. And I fear what if I would give everything up for something that doesn’t even exist. Someone once told me that we should take life as it comes and should not worry much. I tried that and still I was never at peace.

What is the purpose, I wonder, of all this? What is the ultimate destination? For how long the suffering will linger on? Or is it a lifetime affair?