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October Morning

It was like October Morning
Neither too warm nor too cold
Just felt perfect, felt just right
The mild fragrance that makes your soul smile
And covering your body like a morning dew
Just like how October morning feels,
On your skin, on your heart and on your soul
Neither too warm, nor too cold

A ruthless man

She told me stories about all the man she dated before she met her husband. One night when we were drunk and sharing secrets, she shared a story of one such man. A man who was ruthless, cold, selfish but enigmatic. Man, with beautiful words but a heartbreaker. She told me how this man would write poems for her and sweep her off her feet with his sensuous sense of humour. How he would make her heart beat faster and make her feel things that are too sinful to even talk about. She was crazy about him. Not in love though. But obsessed and crazy. He’ll make her dream and tell her how she is the centre of his world. He’d tell her his darkest dreams and secrets he claimed he never shared with anyone else. She longed for him. Day and Night. But he was like a rainbow to her, as she told me. She could adore him, dream about him even fantasize about him but never able touch him. But this man had a fragile ego and toxic arrogance. So, one day, he left her. Sulking, broken and appalled. It took her months to accept that he was really gone. And so, she started getting back to her normal life. Except one day, when he came back, only to destroy her more. I wondered, what made her accept him again after what he had done to her. But she smiled and said, it was the comfort and the familiarity. But I knew…it was his words. And since then, he kept leaving and coming back until one day when he told her he loved her. But as fragile as his ego was and as ruthless a person he was, he left again. This time, she couldn’t sleep for days….couldn’t stop her tears. This time she hated him but longed for him even more. This time her heart ached like never before and her mind couldn’t stop thinking about his voice, his words. This time, she was lost and hoped that he comes back. But deep inside her heart, she knew, this was the last time. He is never coming back again.

When I think about it, about all those poems and those words he wrote for her, were they actually for her? How many women is his life must be smiling with the thought that those words are meant for only them? How many hearts he must have broken? How void that person would be to have left so many times without even saying goodbye? And how cold his heart must have been to break one heart so many times?

The Leaving and Coming back

It was the familiarity, I believe, that dragged her back to that vicious circle every time. How do you explain going back to the place that has hurt you so much each time? And yet, there was this force, the comfort, the words that draws her back to it.

He always said that whenever they talk, it’s like talking to a mirror. She was his mirror. Though, she never believed him. He was a flirt. Has always been a flirt. In all these years, nothing has really changed. Yet, in between the thousands of lines he said, somewhere he made her believe that. Made her believe that she has a different place in his life. That she is not like the other girls he flirts with and later tell her about them. She knew better but still believed him. Not for long though. Maybe for few minutes…for couple of nights.

The ‘leaving’ and ‘coming back’ has been a part of their weird relationship. Or whatever you call it. They talk, they leave, and they come back. She’ll ask hundreds of questions. He, very cleverly, answers the one he wants to and deviate the other he doesn’t want to talk about. She always knew. But he always said that she is his mirror.

I wonder, what makes two people be this close yet never been able to be actually there, you know. The invisible walls and the never-said words. The fear of getting hurt and the undefined ego.The leaving and coming back. Always leaving and coming back.

Of Life and second chances!

If life gives you a chance to go back in life and change one thing, what would you change? A question asked frequently and most of us answer that we won’t. We will not change anything as what we are today is because of the choices we made in the past. They might be not the best, but they certainly made us grow and live.

But deep down, we all know, that it’s not true. There is always this one decision we would want to change. Or ask for a second chance for something. But I wonder, would it help? Would it make any difference? We are not in the same situation as we were then. Time, circumstances…nothing is same today. So even if we do get a second chance, would we be able to make a better decision? Or who will define what is ‘better’? Maybe where we are today is actually a ‘better’ place. Maybe what we thought might have been good for us, would have been a disaster. Or maybe, our life could have been completely different for better. But who knows?

I mean imagine, someone left you in pain years back. What would you change about it? Not meeting that person at all, knowing you will end up hurting? What about all the good times you might have shared with that person? Would you overlook that?

Or the person you thought could have been your best choice but he/she might have ended up hurting you more. How would you know?

Or what about that job you declined and regret it today? Or the person you didn’t meet coz you thought it was not meant to be. Or the friendship you.

It’s a tricky question, changing that one thing. Isn’t?

Mid week rant!

I find it strange that the things that used to infused so much energy in me means so little to me today. Or rather, I feel indifferent to them. When I see my old pictures, I couldn’t recognize myself. There was so much of enthusiasm and zeal to try new things, getting dressed up, going out, going to different events or even being consistent with going for a night walk every day. Today, I feel so lazy and lethargic just thinking about them. I am not sure if a phase or I am just being sheer lazy. Whatever it is, I hope it passes soon. I hated monotony in life. I still do. But today, I just don’t have the strength to do something about it.

I feel I am in a that phase of my life where I have no interest in meeting new people and find it really hard being in constant connection with the old ones. Though, to be honest, I think most of the people feels the same at a certain age, because process of connecting with the old ones have become so organic that even after talking for months, there is no effort I need to put to make things work. Though, I have only a handful of friends which I can call ‘old-friends’, but I am glad I have them.

On a similar note, the winters in Delhi are just not in the mood to leave. Maybe, this is also one of the reasons to my laziness. Other one is definitely the ‘work from home’ culture I am living in. I hate it. But there is nothing I can do about it. I don’t remember when the last time was, when I got ready during a weekday to go out. Life is pretty much stuck in weekends.

What do we do to feel young again? What do we do to break the monotony? And what do we do to make our mind and heart play in sync?

Kindness and Gratitude

How often do you feel the need to get appreciated by others? Just a simple compliment like ‘Good work today’ or ‘You have such a lovely smile’ or a thing as simple as ‘I really liked talking to you today’ People trusting you with their heart and letting you know.

In this world of hatred and demeaning others, how often do you take a minute and appreciate someone? I don’t feel I do it as often as I should, and I don’t think we all do it that frequently as we criticise others.

One of my previous organisation’s partner told me once that I will go to places with my dedication and hard work, both personally and professionally. And years back, one of my mentors once mentioned to me that I am made for better things in life. I never gave it a thought then because I never felt the need of it. I was doing kind of okay in my life. But years later, today, when I doubt myself and fear the uncertainty of future, these words echo in my mind and my god…what power words have over us! They give me confidence and courage to fight the tough circumstances. But this was about the professional front.

What about our personal lives? No matter how much we ignore what the world has to say about us…but somehow…in the middle of the night….the demon crawls into our mind and subtly let us doubt ourselves and our motives. And I feel…at that point of time…what could really help our troubled mind are the kind words uttered to us by the people around us. People we care for. People who matters. And sometimes, people who doesn’t matter at all. Yes, kind words have the power so strong that it could drag you out of that shithole you have been drowning yourself into.

So, what’s the challenge then? The challenge is that…we don’t tell people how great and wonderful they are. We don’t appreciate the work they do. We don’t tell them that they we are grateful of their existence and that they are doing great. We hesitate to say the good words but doesn’t blink an eye in making fun of them. And that is what is missing in this world. Gratitude. Kindness. And words to uplift each other.

Let’s stop for a minute and appreciate someone…anyone..everyday. Known…stranger…doesn’t matter. Show kindness people. This world really could use some.

P.S: I am no saint. I am guilty too of not appreciating or complimenting people around me. I hope, with this year, I could try to be a better person :)