Shantaram- A name that will remain close to my heart!

I guess this is the longest I took to complete a book. Maybe coz it was quite a big one..but I have read more than that many a times. Maybe I was tad lazy…but laziness never comes between me and words. I guess I did not want it to end.

I don’t remember when was the last time I felt this way for a character..or the words he said..or the emotions he felt. I don’t do reviews. For I believe I have no right to judge the feelings which empowered the writer when he penned down his thoughts. This is my way of thinking. I do read reviews though, but never let them decide what I want to take out from the story.

And from a book like this, I don’t think many would do justice to what a commendable confession, reality check and harsh truth it displayed.

I took as long as I could to complete it…and this is the closest to my heart. More so because I lived many phases in my life while I was reading it. I was happy with a new turn that took place in my life, both personally and professionally. It was fresh and it was hopeful. But as the book said “Happiness is a myth. It was invented to make us buy new things”, and so I also had my heart broken, again. And the high which I was supposed to get in my professional life also got sucked up, at the same time. There were some issues in the family and now, on a Saturday morning when I was supposed to get ready and enjoy the weekend, I am writing this, which satiates my mind and my heart like nothing else.

“Sometimes we love with nothing more than hope. Sometimes we cry with everything except tears. In the end that’s all there is: love and its duty, sorrow and its truth. In the end that’s all we have - to hold on tight until the dawn”

I believe I mistook myself as a melancholic person. I though I don’t have the capacity to love and endure anymore. I am not left with the capacity to care or to give warmth to any person. Not even myself. In my life of 26 years, I cried my heart out in front of my parents, first time. That I am tired, of fighting, of hatred that people around bestow upon me. For all the failures, for all the lost loves, for all the heart breaks. And then, I asked myself, “Did I really loved anyone? Was it actually Love I felt that time or it was just the extreme attachment? The habit of being with them?

“At first, when we truly love someone, our greatest fear is that the loved one will stop loving us. What we should fear and dread, of course, is that we won't stop loving them, even after they're dead and gone.”

And that’s what happened. I was scared that one day, they will stop loving me. And today, when I look back, I feel, I don’t love any of them anymore. Even the people who changed my life upside down. I never had love in me so to claim that it got vanished with time. It was just a mere habit. Attachment. Nothing else. And the melancholy. It is of my own. It is of the fact that I should accept and accept with the whole of my heart that loving someone takes too much from you and loneliness is not a sin but a way to accept your inner thought and to accept that it is not disturbing or bad to be that way. This is the way some people are. Just like some people are less white than others. Some are less tall and some are less thin. It the way they are build. And good or bad, this is the way they are.

“I still love you. And sometimes, my friend, the love that I have, and can't give to you, crushes the breath from my chest. Sometimes, even now, my heart is drowning in a sorrow that has no stars without you, and no laughter, and no sleep.”

This book will remain the most special to me and If get a chance, I would re-read it again and again. And to conclude, “There's no such thing as forever.”

Survival

I have almost stopped writing. Not that I don’t write at all…I do pen down my random thoughts here and there…on the back of my notebook, on facebook statuses, and inside my mind. I guess I am one such person who needs pain as a motivation to write. Strange isn’t? Pain as a motivation.

I thought I had grown as a person. I definitely have, till the time I got my heart broken again. And who broke my heart? I, myself. Happiness and satiation have started scaring me. Too much of it makes me sceptical about it and I start running away from it.

Every year we grow..and every year makes us learn few lessons. I learned too. And the most important learning was to coming in terms to who you are and accept yourself that way. After losing so many people whom I thought are here forever..after getting in and out of various named-unnamed relationships, after getting my heart broken umpteen times, I have accepted the fact that I am not a person to be kept too close. Yes, till the time we maintain some distance, I could be the best of the person you have ever met. But once you cross the circle and get in, I could be the craziest and weirdest person you could ever come across.

I am honest, reliable and will love you like no-one else. But for that extremes, you got to be a person who could handle the extremes. Not everyone has got the flesh to handle the fume.

I am 26, with no idea of where my life is heading to. Both personally and professionally. It scares me at times and makes me to mad. But what calms me down is that I am atleast living my life in a way I want. On my terms. When people are struggling to make a life of their own, I have I have atleast achieved that milestone. And I am proud of it. I am a good human being and when I see myself in the mirror, I find no shame or feeling of betraying someone. And I am proud of it too.

Amidst the chaos of day to day life, when I lose hope and can’t find an escape, in the moments when I feel I am all alone in the world and when I think about the men who have had my heart broken, when the trauma of memories take over my mind…I close my eyes and say the words “I have survived the worst of phases in my life. I will survive this too. Like all bad times, this too shall pass”.

I am not in the best of the phase of my life. I see many of my hopes and expectations breaking up like pieces of mirror every day. I get betrayed by people I loved and love the most. I face the reality of not being loved the way I love people, or not being loved at all. I feel the shameful act of being considered as an option or an escape. I weep at night and can’t sleep all night thinking about it. But I tell myself, that the dawn will come someday. That I will get what I deserve. That life could not be that unfair with me. And that I will survive this storm too.

He

He looked wierd....but happy. The smile on his face and the spark in his eyes were justifying his words. His words that echo in her mind every night. She was amazed to see the peace on his face. Peace that she wanted to see when he was with her.

Though there still was pain in his eyes...but that pain looked so trifle in front of his blissful existence.

Who says people can't move on?Who says you can fall in love only once? Who says life doesnt give second chance?Look at him today and see how life could change.

But every night while thinking about him..while praying for him....while hating him and still loving him even more .....she wonders...why is she still there? What is she waiting for? And then she smiles and set her alarm for next day.

Until

Today, at this point of time...sitting in an unknown city...among unknown people...drowned in work....I feel how lonely it is inside my heart. How void and empty. How hurt and disappointed. I believe in Karma. I must have hurt someone...ditched someone....broke someone. I must have. Intentionally...Unintentionally. I don't know. I...I am a good person...searching for shore....for persistence....for stability...for peace. Many...many people started this journey with me, but today...I am standing alone. I believe this is what life is. People...memories...we just leave them behind or they find their own ways. Some find the person to walk with...some...they just walk alone.

And it's hard to describe. This feeling. What you call it? Solitude or loneliness? There is a very thin line right? But that is what make all the difference. The more strong you try to become...the lonelier you get. And that one point...that exact point where you kept it open...someone will come and hit that too. And it's not good. That's the last thing you want from life. Coz after that, there is just no end to it.

Sometimes I wish I had not kept that point open. Should have closed it myself. Why give other a chance to kill you when you yourself can.

It's a rambling I know...but it has to vented out. How but?

I thought I am a good person. A good human being. But then, what defines good? Who define it?

I guess it's coming back. All of it. Some part that held years before. Somewhere. Or it's just the way I am. Some people love pain but don't want to be with it, yet never let it out of them.

Yes, I guess that's what I am. And that's what I'll always be. Until..........

Until.....someday.....I could meet me!

Infinite

So sometimes...I just wake up in the middle of the night...and start wondering. I search for something that I feel I have lost. What is it, even I don't know that. But I wonder...why...suddenly..often...I feel this void inside. What is it that is missing in my life. I mean not everyone is blessed with everything...but this thing....which I look for amidst the night...has to be substantial. Something of high value....of immense importance. And it's been years...but I still can't figure it out.

And then I wonder...is it only me? Or there are people around the world who just wake up and start wondering...or do not sleep at all for that matter. I am still searching for the answer. But sometimes, I feel some people are born that way. They always feel this strange emptiness inside. A hole inside their heart. An urge to find or get something which actually doesn't exist. This is madness. I know. But this is how it is. And we, people like me, have to accept it. Sooner or later.

The Name

She wanted to give it a name. After ages, she felt that this is it. It was nothing what she always wanted but yet it felt right. And so,one night, she decided to give it a name....to name it 'Us' from 'I' and 'You'.

Alas, he never had one. The name. He couldn't take one. The Name.

Story of a tree!

I pass this huge tree in my society compound every day. While I am running late for work or just walking lost in my own thoughts. It’s been 6 months since I have shifted to this apartment. It was almost end of summers. This tree was lush green at that time. I never noticed it then, standing tall among his other mates.

Gradually, the wind changed and came monsoon. I could see his shinning leaves after it washed away his dirt and filth with rain. It is said that rain could wash away your deepest sins and could make you feel young again. It has the power to give you the zeal to live again, despite all the dark secrets hidden beneath the chamber of your heart.

I think this tree also had the same notion when he was flaunting his mesmerizing green leaves with elan. But as they say, nothing lasts forever. Everything changes. And everything that lived once must die. Slowly and gradually, his friend, his companion, the wind changed his colours too. You know….things change…people change…friends change. And so, one day when the tree was waiting for his friend, The Wind, he didn’t show up. The tree waited and waited. And one day, he sensed the fragrance of his long lost friend. There was he, the wind. But with whole new attitude. With all new intention. To destroy the tree. And with himself, he took along his new friend “The Autumn”. Tree begged and cried and made him remember all good old times they had together. But the wind was adamant. He had found his new friend. And gradually, slowly, the wind and the autumn destroyed the tree. The tree who was so proud of his friendship with the wind…who was so happy to see all his leaves going green and big…was now nothing but a lifeless soul..standing alone amidst the loneliness and grieve. He wept and cried. He stood there…wanted to die. He prayed everyday to god to take his life. He could not bear the betrayal of is friend. He could not bear it anymore and lost all hope.

But god had other plans. Wind and autumn forgot that after autumn and winters come spring. No matter how alone and lifeless this tree is today, he will find back his hope tomorrow. He will find another friend. He will get back what all he lost with time. Coz as they say…nothing stays forever. Neither happiness….nor sorrow. And so, this too shall pass. The tree will laugh again. Will live again. Will hope again.

Coz no matter what, at the end, good people get good things.

2013 : Last night of the year

It’s 12:30 in the night. Typical winter night. It’s so much cold out there that I could feel the chill even after sitting inside my quilt. And what’s the best part? It’s raining. It rained all day long and it still is. I could hear every drop of rain touching the ground. Yes, there is so much of silence that all I could hear right now is rain, tic-tock of clock and noise of me hitting the keys. One after another.

I do not want to write anything beautiful tonight. Nothing to touch anyone’s heart. Nothing to vent out and get away from it. No realizations. No ‘last-words’…no resolutions. I just want to sit…sit and watch my favorite sitcom all night. Without any thought. Without any regret. Without any hope. This year wasn’t bad to me. To be precise..it was good. I found few lost people…made some new friends…started my career. It’s been a satisfactory year.

But what I could not stop today are the thousands of thoughts popping inside my mind. Finding and making friendships, relations with the outside world is ok. It is good and a need I would say. But what about the relationship I have with myself? I somewhere lost the touch. I almost stopped writing. I hardly read. I do nothing to nurture my nexus with my own self. And today when I sat alone…thinking and looking back at this year…I could see people and people but could not find my own identity anywhere. The silence inside has become too loud for me to handle. And when the silence become loud, we try to find the easy way out. We get high…drink…watch sitcoms after sitcoms…roam around like hippies with no definite destination. And then one day, we peep into the mirror and find a stranger standing in front of us. We look into his eyes and could find nothing. Just cold..expressionless eyes. That’s the scariest part.

We don’t know what life has in store for us. Nobody knows that. And this hope. This hope is a bitch. I don’t know what 2014 has for me. And I do not expect any life changing event this year. All I want is this void to get filled. This silence to get vanish. And this heart to start beating!