Hiraeth!

I turned 28 this Wednesday. 28 years of existence. When I left home, I was 22. I couldn’t wait to leave home and have a life of my own. I never felt settled when I was there, always looking for something. Something unknown. I used to feel suffocated at times and wanted to run away. For no particular reason. I have had a very liberal upbringing. Always taking my own decisions. My privacy was never hindered. My friends were never judged. I could go anywhere I want, eat anything I desire for. Yet, there always exist a sense of isolation. As if the place I used to call home was never actually ‘Home’. I thought maybe this is temporary. Maybe things will get fine once I’ll leave this city.

And I did. In March 2011, I left my city in search of a place I could relate to. I visited a few places in India. I went abroad. But I never felt settled. I changed apartments but again the void was there. Everytime. In every place.

In these five years, or rather 28 years, I have been looking for ‘Home’, but failed everytime. When I visit my hometown, I just want to come back. I feel incomplete there. The moment I reach here, I just want to leave this place and go back. But ‘back’? Where? I never understood. I think I never will.

I realized that I have been looking for a place that never was there. And I think I will keep looking for it. Coz no matter where I go, no matter where ever I’ll live, I will never be at home.

There is a word for it in Welsh. Hiraeth”.“A homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was. Isn’t beautiful? This word. Hiraeth!

Art of Sharing!

I always had someone by my side to share my woes…my heartaches…my stories. I was good at it. Sharing things but keeping a lot to myself. People who were there used to think I have opened my heart out to them. But that wasn’t the truth. It could never happen, me opening my heart out to anyone. ANYONE. Though I was good at keeping secrets…I still am. I was confidante of many…there were few who were mine..but never knowing the whole story.

I never wanted anyone in specific in my life. It’s just that I have never been alone. Specially after I started my graduation. There were lovers, more than friends…un named relations. I have had them all. With few I connected like anything. But as they left, the power of me sharing my stories reduced. I never missed anyone for long enough to not let someone else enter. ‘Missed’, I guess is a wrong word here. I missed them all, I still do at times. Rather I never needed anyone. Coz I always had someone.

It may sound selfish or mean or whatever, but that’s the truth. Not every person is there for emotional support…nor for physical one. Few are/were there only for conversations. I have lost my ability to keep a conversation going. I feel I get bored…or I bore people. Either way, I just can’t keep the conversation going. It is not pity…not misery..it is just the way I have become.

I want to live alone…sleep…watch sitcoms after sitcoms…eat good food…and just be alone. I don’t like people asking me what has happened to me, or why I am angry all the time. It’s because people make me so. They make me angry. Maybe because I could not connect with anyone. I can’t talk. Not that I don’t want to. I just can’t.

So, yeah. That is, it. From bad I have become worst with sharing. And I do not regret it. Just that feel alone at times. But I guess that is okay!

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When or how would you decide that it’s all done. That you are done. Weak and broken to fix anything anymore any further. You cry your heart out sitting on the floor of your bathroom in the middle of the night. Everything seems fine but nothing is. Is this the first step towards depression? Why people who claims to be near and dear to you ignores the sign of it? People who claim to know you so well fails to understand how slowly and steadily you have become a victim of it.

Do you feel like ending everything t times? Even your life? That you have lost any home of being happy at any point of time despite everyone claiming that nothing is wrong. It’s all a mirage you know. Something that doesn’t exist but still people claim to see it. Some people are good at keeping it. Some, they just fail, miserably.

The sleepless nights, broken feet, crippled nails, dark circles..they all shout how terribly broken you are. But you put makeup on…try hard not to cry so that the flaws don’t become visible.

How often do you feel to just run away from everything for real? Going somewhere unknown and start from zero? Do you know how challenging it is to wake up every morning after a sleepless night, put the clothes on and pretend that nothing is wrong. Nothing is bothering you.

Is it incorrect to give up everything or to live for yourself? Even if it is at the cost of hurting the people you love. Or is it better to hurt yourself…once and for all?

V-day : amidst the hoopla and the excitement!

With the end of valentine’s week on Sunday and all the hoopla between singles, not so singles and people in relationship, social media was full of different kind of views regarding this day. There is always a sense of little jealousy and pity that goes amidst singles and the committed people…specially girls. While most of the girls go gaga over the occasion, some secretly wishes to be single and date numerous guys without any tag. While on the other hand, the single ones try to show how cool they are to be not dating anyone but wishes to have bouquets and gifts rolled in red gift papers.

I have been through all of three phases in the last three-four years during valentine’s day. You know being single, not so single and committed phase. And to my surprise, like all other girls…my though process has been different, every time. But one thing that I did all these years was to wish myself a valentine’s day first.

Out of all my girlfriends, most of them are married, one is single (kinda dating) and I am engaged and all of them had different views. When I was really excited for the day and the surprises my fiancé had planned for, one of my married girlfriend was feeling all low and it was just like another day for her. To her side of the story, life changes drastically after marriage and things get complicated. She misses being single..the uncertainty of not knowing with whom she is going to spend the V-day with. No, I am not saying it’s same for all married couples, coz other of my married girlfriends were all decked up with red lipstick on and all ready to hit the dance floor.

I wonder, what is it that change our mindsets when we are in a particular phase. The fear of not having loved at all…or the monotony of having just one person for the rest of your life? The excitement of being pampered so much or the feeling of being free and not answerable to anyone? Or do we just hide what we actually feel?

Phases and Batches!

I believe that life comes in phases and that people are divided in batches. So, you know you have Phase 1, Phase 2 and so on. And then there are batches like Batch 1, Batch 2 and so on. Most of batches pass through most of the phases. It is like a matrix. What I am living today…someone might live it three years from now. Some batches stay in one phase all their life. And then there are batches who pass each and every phase. People like us…intense..melancholic…always looking out for something.

I have known a lot of people. People from the virtual world…from real world…and people from virtual world to real world. And I have known people who have refused to grow up with time. I met people like me…people hard to understand…hard to satisfied…yet finding happiness in small things.

So I would like to call such people ‘we’, coz I feel we all are same in some way. We believe that having a relationship is healthy and fulfilling but we should always have our own time to read a book…sip a coffee or just roaming around. We also believe that there exist a whole lot of gap between being friends and being in a relationship…and we call them ‘unnamed’ or ‘untagged’ relationship. We all have had one. And we all understand why. We understand that there is a life beyond shopping and gossiping. And we know that love and soulmate could be two different persons. We learn letting go of things early than any other batch and no matter how hard it is…we learn to follow path of empathy.

We might seem disconnected from the world…but we are happy the way we are..or atleast when we are not….we do not fake it! This is to all the ‘We’ I have known….