People I meet- I

I met this girl few months back...she was just another batch mate...Since I was not in a mood to make any new friend so I kind of avoided any conversation with anyone there apart from few formal talks. Day passed and things were going pretty fine...with I am all engaged in my work..no particular friend but lots of acquaintances. And then this girl caught my attention when she started asking lots of question with our faculty. It’s not the first time someone was asking such question but the level of questions and her keen interest to find every logic to solve that question made my attention diverted towards her.Within few days, with few hi- hellos followed by few strictly formal talks we started studying together...me , her and two more girls. I sort of liked her confidence and the way she take things....but being a scorpion I dislike people who try to dominate me...and this girl had this habit of making everything her way. There came many incidents when we really had clashes of thoughts and ideologies...I being a short tempered person lost my temper many times..but her way of handling me was so good and in few days we became friends(kind of). Though we never shared anything related to our personal lives but in some way I felt that I could connect with her. And one day we four were discussing about life, luck and all...and one girl of our group who is a member 'Art of Living' stated few things about destiny. She said that everything , every incident has a meaning in our life. We meet many people in our life and every person in some way or the other teach us something...some moves on while some stays...coz they are destined to...no matter how much we try to restrict ourselves...few things are just not in our control. Today we are sitting here..we all have our different paths to follow...who knows we'll never meet or even talk...but this moment...this moment was planned.
Next day when we met...there was this slight change in our behavior...we started understanding each other..helping one another...talking and discussing on issues other than our studies. And one day she read my blog and without asking any question she said few things about me which was pretty strange for me to listen from a person who really don’t know anything about me...yes, she was right..her words, her thought all were correct...and so my assumption to connect with her. Today, we still haven’t shared anything personal, but there is this strange understanding between us...a bizarre relation which we share...knowing everything still nothing about each other. I promised her that we will talk on this once we get free from our exams..and this time I am more than eager to talk with her. She is somewhat like me..coz everytime she is quite I know she wants to talk...everytime I ask her for something she knows the reason behind it. I dont know if we really are friends or we'll be able to carry this relation further...but we do meet people in this journey whom we can never forget...She is one of them..and I am glad I met her.

...And I let go of the last thing I had of us...our conversations...of 4 years..that was a tough decision though...but maybe this was the time...this was the time to take that decision...I don’t know what was the driving force behind it...all those harsh facts? Uncertainties of our relation? The fact that I love you more than anything in my life? The reason that you can’t love me with the same intensity or even a bit of it? our differences? knowing each other so well? That guilt of yours?
I thought of it..many times..but never had courage enough to actually do it....that was the last and the most lovable thing I had...the thing which always made me realize that I am still close to you...and now I am left with nothing....just nothing.
That night I cried so hard that next day when I woke up , I felt like I am having some hangover...obviously I was not drunk...but I don’t know...the hangover was so bad....And then after getting sort of normal after cups of coffee..when I saw myself in the mirror, my eyes asked how does it feel like....numb...numb was the answer my heart replied. Yeah, I could not feel anything...no feeling of loss, remorse, pain....just numb. This was not the first time though I felt something like this...but this time it’s certainly for a long period....
Right now I am feeling nothing...may be due to the music which is playing behind this notepad file...or coz of the three empty cups of coffee already lying on my table..or coz this cold winter night...or may be something else...My face is blank and so is my mind...though I usually keep this blank expression while I am in my home...but this time no efforts required at all.
And this time I want this numbness to last for sometime...though it hardly leaves me for moments of pain...but this time I want it to stay...even in moments of joy (and of pain)...

Never heard a music so soothing and tranquil. For the first time heard something which makes me feel so calm and satiated at the same time. Dont know whether its the music or the situation in which I heard this.For the first time I could think of nothing...just nothing while listening this. Just cant take my mind off from this.

I went there yesterday...our place..that place was our favourite...wasn’t it?....and so I preferred to go alone there...with our memories...the place hasn’t changed a bit...in all these years...its still serene and calm....and that corner...its still the best of place to sit...sat there for few minutes...can’t hold emotions for long when it comes to you..so ....yeah sat only for few minutes. Saw a boy and a girl sitting there...some 16-17 years old teenagers...the girl...she seems to be the happiest person on the earth with the boy...her eyes..full and contented as if this is going to last forever...must have been initial stage of their "love"...they are beautiful...initial stages. I remember how our time was....all those cute messages...those long late night talks...madness to see each other even if its just for a second..those uncontrollable laughs....not missing any chance to listen one another's voice...your voice....your voice....how every time I gt goose bumps whenever you used to say 'I love you'. I loved the way you always said these words in the middle of our serious talks...those nights...endless dreams....
And then there are things which no one knows....no one except us....and these are the things which always keeps you close to me....even in your absence. You remember I told you once that I talk with you even if you are not with me...and you said "It means that even if we are apart...you'll never lose me." Yes, I can’t ever lose you....for I have never felt such a strong urge for anyone...I haven’t felt so weak and strong at the same time with anyone...for I don’t have strength enough to stay away from you...physically...emotionally...mentally!!! Yes,you have made me so vulnerable...and I love the intensity of it!!!

I so want to talk to you...every day I feel that urge to call you...to listen your voice..listen to your whispers in the night. I want to tell you...every detail of how my day passed...what made me happy...what things made me sad...about the people I met...about the things I did. I so want things to become like they were....smooth..beautiful...nights...so full of love...your voice...our heartbeats….your smile...our talks....the way you used to sing for me...that song.....your stories...our love...our sighs....silly talks...reasonless laughs...that silence...
The way I used to close my eyes while you talk....to feel you...to love you. don’t go. Please don’t...from my memories...from my mind..my heart...don’t leave as u left me....stay with me...this night...stay..stay....just one night...talk to me...smile for me...love me....let me keep my palm on yours....let me hold your hand..once again...just for a night...stay..
Let me go insane by your aroma...let me feel the madness...the insanity of your our love...just for a night...make me feel alive again...let me feel the warmth of your body...look at me...let me peep into your eyes.....talk to me..just for a night....stay....stay...

Wait kills,destroy the human inside
Numbness and insanity defines my state
Words and sentences does not match
Full stops have taken place of commas
Dreams have become nightmares
Your absence has become an ally

WE? 'WE' don't exist
Loneliness wants to become solitude
Love and Pain are synonyms now
Eyes only stares and does not see
Speechless, flabbergasted I am
Was it you? Or is it you?

I have been living alone for quite a sometime now...all alone. This is for the first time I am having no one...just no one around me.But the thing is that I am feeling good....enjoying the time I am spending with myself. I never got this chance to talk with my soul, to understand the things I need, I want...to realize that its not necessary to always have someone by your side. I would not say that I am happy or feeling contented...but I am not feeling low.
There was a time when life was so contended...full of bliss. Time when I never thought of him going away...when I never realized that friends cant always live with you ...that there is a life which exists beyond the fun and company of friends....and this life is just opposite of what we were living. I never thought of becoming a person which I am today. No! It’s not a complain. I am glad for being a more strong and mature person than I was(thnx to life and its complexities). When I was a kid and whenever I had to make any decision I always used to go to my father for help...and he always used to say "This is your life...we can only tell you the pros and cons of your choices...but as far as decision is concerned...that you have to take".And today, I am happy that wherever I am ...whatever I have faced...those were my decisions...I planned my life and whatever comes now..I'll face it.
Today, when I look back I feel that the time which I have seen in my life was beautiful...I have so many moments to cherish that I can spend my life with them. But today? Why today is so different from yesterday? Today I cannot see anyone even miles away...Are they going away from me or its me who is bringing the differences? How can everyone...everyone change at the same time...or it is just the way I am looking at things? Sometime I think that I have lose it all...everyone...friends, parents, love...but then I too realize that may be this is the time...the time of self-realization....the time to think about myself...to understand the fact that this life and the things related to it are all mine and no single person can affect the way I live or think, that no person can become the reason of my happiness nor my grief.