Saturday, November 6, 2010

A Phase so strange...

There is a lot of anger and rage inside me...I can feel it...every second of each passing day. I dont know the reason behind it..but the impact could easily be felt on the people around, friends, acquaintances, teachers, colleagues...everyone. It kind of feel awkward when I face them after my stupid behavior...I shout without reason...I cry on silly things...I dont feel like talking to anyone...I hate when anyone expects anything from me... I hate when people gives me any sort of admiration..I almost lose my temper when any person of opposite sex tries to flirt or cross that boundary which I have drawn around me. I have blocked almost everyone on my gmail...even people close to mobile keeps on ringing till its battery exhausts completely. This is a very strange phase...and I feel suffocated...I want to a lot and vent everything out...I feel a big burden on my heart every time...It takes fraction of seconds for my tears to flow out from my eyes...neither can I study...nor can I concentrate on any other thing...I feel restless all the time...all the time. Its been months since I had a sound sleep...I could feel my senses on whole night...every night. The more close I want to get with people, the more void I am creating around myself..there is something which stops me ...which stops me to laugh, to feel, to enjoy...I neither live in present, nor in past...future is a thing I cannot think of now.
But one thing which I have realized is that this is not due to any one reason but ample of reasons working together....personal life, professional life, family, surroundings...lots of failures contributing to my state. I feel like I am screaming in a place where no one listens to me...its so noisy that even my heart and mind fails to cooperate. And then I shout more...more louder...and a point comes where my voice chokes and I fall down.. weak, tired. People around me feel that I have changed...that I am intentionally doing all this...creating differences. And I dont try and give any clarification to anyone..not even to my parents...coz I know..they will never understand the phase I am going through. I dont feel any beauty around...Its just anger...a single feeling of anger my poor heart feels all the time..with no reason known. I spend hours sitting in front of my laptop doing nothing...I feel exhausted all the time...all I want to do is cry...and cry all the time.

(I want to go to a place unknown to me..I want to meet people I have never met before...people who dont know who I am...why have I come questions...just silence. I want my soul and mind to rest for sometime...It has over flown with thoughts..thoughts..and thoughts.)

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