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Sunday, December 11, 2011

For the sake of survival!

I am learning to survive. To survive without people, without love, without care, without affection..without an inch of warmth in heart. I have made a circle all around myself…with boundaries so strong that no one could cross them and reach the only one standing inside..Me. It’s been quite a while since I have felt any connection developing inside, for anyone. The zeal to live..to enjoy..to talk with new people..to feel happy and jovial has vanished. I find pain and pleasure, at the same time, in solitude. I cry and laugh upon the life I am living..the type of person I have become. A cold hearted person. A loner. I walk on unknown roads all alone without any fear of losing the way back. I sit alone for hours with thousand of thoughts pounding inside my mind, but unable to understand any. I have lost contact with almost all my friends. I feel tired..talking with people. I see their missed calls and messages on my phone but could not call them back. Not that I do that intentionally but sometimes I forget and sometimes I just let it go. Every Saturday night I sit alone in my room and do nothing. All my hostel mates go for parties and night outs but I sit here alone..without any regret of choosing this life..of the pain I am giving to my heart…to myself. I punish myself daily with this loneliness..with this numbness.

The ultimate fate of this life scares me sometimes…but I could not feign happiness. It’s too much to ask from a person like me. I know I am ruining myself..I am destroying the dreams I once saw for myself..the expectations of my parents..their love…their care. I feel guilty for the things they do for me..coz I know I could not return anything to them. Not even love. Coz there is no love left in me.

Yet, I am surviving……I am learning to survive!

12 comments:

tj !! said...

its good to learn survivng as may b there ll b worst conditns or may be nt ! Bt u shud knw da art of surviving ! N i knw person lyk u cnt be ruin urself u were u r u ll b da best dumb so dnt b numb !

Ashish Anant said...

Staying alone is never a constraint. It is rather an opportunity. It's good that u love being alone. Loneliness is an indication of the crowd that waits for you outside. Just have faith. Look at life with hope. You will be fine. :) Very emotional piece!

Mansi said...

@Tanuj:
Yes, You can say I am preparing myself for the worst!
@Ashish:
I wish I develop my belief in faith soon! Thnx! your comment was motivating:-)

Whuaat? said...

But you do know that how ever much you prepare, life always throws something so unexpected eventually ..

Anyhoo, whatever makes you happy :)
Because that's all that matters.

Geet said...

its not giving a very good feeling after reading dis post..
dont worry Mansi.. i know you will learn to live again and to love again..
and you will surely give your parents more than what have thought of..!
take care dear..

WomanInLove said...

I had become like this too, but then life opens up in different forms
I tried loving life and it loved me back..
Nothing changed but just I changed
I hope the same happens with you soon

Mansi said...

@Whuaat:
We know we'll die smeday...still we plan for tomorrow! That's what life is all about!
@Geet:
I wish!
@WomanInLove:
I hope that too! Thnx !

Mayz said...

it's jus a phase of life...

n there is always a better tmrw

Raajii said...

I suppose these are the moments when you realize what you are really meant to do and who you are really meant to be with. Good luck! I hope you find yourself :-)

Mansi said...

@Mayz:
Hopin for a better 2mrw!
@Raaji:
I hope that too! thnx!

Sh@s said...

Sigh...your words echo my thoughts. Don't worry, this too shall pass. Hope things get better for you.

Mansi said...

@Sha@s:
It has to! thnx!