Hatred?

Hatred is one such emotion of human being that I fail to understand completely. What does it do to us? The one who hates? Whenever I feel this hatred for anything or anyone …I feel stronger than ever. I don’t understand this. At all. I don’t know if this is for temporary or have I really become this strong. I asked few of my friends about it and they had entirely different opinion about it. To them, hatred has only made them weak..or made them feel bad about it. But whenever I feel that something is making me weak or is hurting me…I try and find reasons to hate it..and I come out of it very easily..even if it is not for a very long time. Not that this hatred remain inside me for a very long time. I have seen myself feeling almost nothing about something after this 'hatred'. And it has relieved me..somehow!

But whenever I think of it…the hatred part inside me which is emerging too strong as a emotion..I feel it is somewhere taking me away from myself. I am moving away from the things that made me feel alive. I do not spend time with myself…it’s been like ages since I have sit and think about myself..about where my life is heading towards…what I am becoming as a person..It’s been long since I have written anything. I mean just too much has happened in my life in the last few months but I have nothing to write of…I just could not vent it out and hence the anger, pain is still inside me…filling the vessel of patience and perseverance with such a great speed. I wonder what will happen if this continue for long.

I am not my usual self…I feel anger and I laugh…I feel like crying and I start feeling hated….I feel helpless and I smile. I avoid facing things or rather prefer to move leaving that thought behind. This is so not me. I show emotions which I shouldn’t. I share things which I should have kept inside. I do things which are not right. I sometimes feel I have started faking with myself. I am losing the actual me. I am developing feelings which make me feel strong but guess somewhere taking me away from myself. I don’t know what exactly is it…I don’t know what this ‘Hatred’ thing is doing to me. For I just do not think about it at all. The people I was so attached with, I do not feel any connection with them today. I feel like everybody is just fulfilling the formality of being with you and so are you.

Is it the new emotion I am developing inside or am I losing the existing one?