This will fade too...oneday...someday!

The moment lived today will become a distant memory one day. Gradually and eventually everything will fade. Every memory, every tear dropped, the insanity, the insomaniac nights…the fragrance..half smiles…the smell of damp cigarettes….the lemonades after hangover…the feeling of being lost…promises…that were made to be broken…messages that lived in archive for years…mails in the red marked folder…every song sent…conversations that remained in mind and never found the courage to be spoken. The drafts that remind of dates…dates which remind of certain events…the colour of Black coffee...all will fade.

Name will become just another word. Phone numbers..just a contact. Won’t even bother to look at the ‘status’ and ‘last seen’ at watsapp. This is how it is done everytime and by everyone. This is certainly not moving on. No-one moves on..ever! EVER!

It’s neither good nor bad..it’s just the way IT IS. There will never be any answer for few questions. Why smell of a new book is so familiar? Why nail paint get off in weird shapes? Why sometimes you find solace amidst an unknown crowd? What life has in store for you? Why memories fade? There will never be an answer so absolute.

Coz the only absolute is TIME…the only thing constant is CHANGE. Nothing more…nothing less.

We never really lose anyone!

There is a great satiation in every sense of dissatisfaction, a little love in hatred, a care in ignorance. There are memories in dreams, a holding back in moving on and light in the night.

I wandered for peace..I still am. I looked out for love. I am scared of changes. Losing things and people scares me. Uncertainty of life has always made me weaker. Memories and past are my only solace. I find old pictures to be actually mine than the people around…I consider old mails, messages and conversations to be real than the present conversations. I ask myself to not attach with people but this is what I end up doing every time. I miss the moment when it passes away. I miss being with people who are not with me today.

And all this time I have been living a life, thinking that I have lost the good part of my life. But don’t we all somewhere think the same way? We miss the moment when it is gone…thinking it as the best part of our life and miss the thrill of the present moment…and then we miss the same moment after sometime.

But now I believe we never actually lose anything or anyone. We just tend to look into different direction. How can you ever lose something which is present there..inside your soul? If you loved someone and think you have lost them…you never really have loved them..coz you never lose your loved one…they remain with you…all the time..sometimes in the form of smiles..sometimes in dreams…sometimes in tears and sometimes in memories. You could meet them anytime you want…coz to love or to be with someone…physical presence is not what counts..it’s just the feeling that matters. Like we love god..or what we say as superpower. We never meet him..we never see them..but we love him and believe him with our heart, we believe that they are here with us during our hard times, during our moments of losing hope. Atheists have their own belief that makes them stronger. They may not believe in god…but they believe in their “belief”.

So why do we cry? Why regret something which has not actually happened. Why moan on the loss that never occurred. Believe and know that life is just a journey travelling on the track of time..where we do not lose people…we just change compartments. We can’t see them but know that they are with us..travelling in this same journey…on the same track..at the same time.

P.S. And to all the people I thought I have lost “You all are here with me. Maybe we never travel in the same compartment again..maybe somewhere…while changing compartments..we cross ways…maybe we will meet somewhere in this journey..somewhere down the line, you all need to know that..you are travelling with me…in the same train..on the same track…at the same time :) “

2012

It’s been more than two hours since I have been trying to get a sleep, but yes..I could’t. I don’t know what’s going inside my head. I have been reading, listening music, spending time with myself…but there is this strange feeling…I don’t know it is anxiety or excitement..that made me jump out of my bed and write this. Life has been quite messy with the things going around. 2012 does not proved to be an year for me. Lot many things happened…LOT MANY. From dad’s heart attack to losing my best pal..my lifeline. There is nothing much I want to carry on to this year. But yes, it made me stronger…in a weird way. I have seen myself going down into the abyss of hopelessness, fear, sorrow and then raising myself again..piece by piece…one after another. But there were some pieces I lost in the tide that I am never going to find again. Pieces which were build of trust, faith…pieces that made the foundation of that love…of that companionship. I don’t want to hold hatred beneath my heart..for that will only break me more. I don’t want to carry bad memories..for I have made many beautiful with the same. I don’t know whether it’s a new beginning or the end of another era…I don’t know the reason for what all happened…but I want to forgive it all….I want to forgive the bad time, the people associated with it…the wrong doings…I want to forgive myself for the foul words..the ugly thoughts…the sinner inside me.

But I am not going to forget it. The incidents that challenged my faith…the words that shouldn’t have been used…the gestures that snatched my belief…the aura that made me feel ugly. I will not forget what made me weak…what made me helpless…what brought hatred inside me in the first place…

May the year like this never ever arrive in my life again…may I become stronger with each passing day….may my heart forgive the one that broke me…may my mind find peace…and may the ones that I lost in the tide live happily..with no regrets…with no guilt!

What is forever? I mean how do you define it? By the time you are alive? By the memories that remains? By the time you were with someone? By the promises made that was never meant to complete? Does forever really exist? And if it does…has it proved its existence ever?

I once believed in it. Like we all believe in god. Feelings his presence and never been able to see him. Like we ‘trust’ that god exists, we feel the presence of the superpower that keeps you going. In the same way, this believe that forever exist, keeps you going in a strange way. Coz no matter you have seen it or its presence has not been proved..it gives you a reason to fight…a reason to stand up everytime you fall coz you know that ‘forever’ is with you..standing at a distant place…encouraging and motivating you to continue walking and never stop.

But what when you reach that point of saturation? What when you realize ‘Dat’s it!’, It’s over now…the myth..the mirage, that there was no ‘forever’ ever. Yes, it will hurt you, making you weak down the knees. You know, ignorance is bliss..but it’s time to face the reality. There is no such thing as forever for me now. Not even feelings stay forever. Love, hatred, friendship, anger, fear…they all come and go. And likewise people in your life. I always believed that everything has a life of its own. And once the life is over, there is no use in keeping it on ventilator and causing pain to it. It’s better to end it and let it go. It will cause pain too, great pain infact,watching something dying in front of your eyes which you nurtured for years. But the pain too will fade someday. It has to. Coz nothing is permanent, only change is!

But what if the pain remains? What if it never fades? Does that mean the ‘thing’ did not died? That there still was some life left in it when you said it goodbye? Is that why the last conversation, the last goodbye is necessary? To know whether it has died completely or there still is some life left in it. Was that a mercy killing from your part coz you could not see the pain and agony anymore? Who will be held responsible for it? Who need to feel guilty for the same? Who will feel restless all the life? I don’t know the answer of any of this. Maybe I am still not clear with the rule of life. But for how long? And who will decide the destiny of ‘forever’? Who will decide it’s time to hold on or let it go?

She...She just believed!

When a person leaves your life..he leave a place that is almost impossible to fill by any other person. It is said that time is the biggest healer, it mends all wounds. It is said that with time..memories fade too, that whoever you meet….whoever you think will be by your side all your life would someday show you the real picture. That even the best of relations, even the beautiful of memories, even the nostalgia would cease to exist someday. Not because you want it, but because this is what life is all about. This is why we meet people for…to make memories and to move on.
“Forever it is!” He said that…or rather claimed. She…She just believed.
“No one else, if you’re not there.” He repeated thousand times. She….She just believed.
“My personal life is not separate from you. You know it all, you’ll always know” He shouted. She believed.
“I will never ever leave you alone. I will be with you always no matter what happens” He said. She believed.
“The whole universe is at one side, and you are at the other side…and I am at your side.” He whispered. She believed.
“You are above all. Your value is above all. You are even above the only girl I love the most.” He stated. She….She just believed.
“I don’t want to filth the name of our friendship, but it happened. I love you! “ He exclaimed. She…like always…believed.
“I would never be able to love anyone else except her ever in my life” He sobbed. She believed.
“What you have to do with my personal life? I have my own space” He shouted. She believed.
“I love someone else, there is no use feeling bad about it. I am gonna propose her soon” He exhaled.
She….
Still trying to believe.
He found his way with someone else. She….She is still trying to gasp for a single breath. Trying to find reasons…trying to find when this all happened? When the first dialogue changed into the last one? When, who claimed to value her more than anything else, found his own way and she….she is just standing alone.
He claims to be alone. He claims that she left her. She could not say anything, coz everytime she tries to…all she could see around are questions which need to be answered. But to whom she would ask for answer? Coz the only person who could, she has lost all her right on him long back. And what prevails today inside and around her is SILENCE.

No more teachings...I have learned enough 'Dear Life'

“ I have become weak. Very weak. Emotionally, mentally…n somewhere deep down physically. “
“Or maybe…you are becoming stronger. Much stronger”
“I don’t know. This is not what I planned for. These changes were not in the list”
“But then, this is life. You can’t predict…you can’t help”
“I feel alone”
“Everyone is. And no one is. Accept it and move on.”

Conversations of this type happen daily. Sometimes between me and my mind and sometimes with my friends and family. But the question remains. Where have I headed towards? What life am I living now? What cost have I paid for falling in love again and losing it before I realized what blunder I have commit. A stage where even my parents have lost the hope to understand me. Everyday, I wake up with the broken pieces of my being and try to re-collect them. But every day I find one or the other piece missing. I don’t understand why is it such a compulsion to change? Why is it so important to fake happiness? Why is it so important to lie just to become a part of the group? Why things and people around change and give you reasons that even they don’t believe in?

Everyday…m losing trust…losing faith…or rather I have lost faith in everything around. No, I am no more disappointed…m no more sad or gloomy…m no more expecting anything out of anything. I am just amazed you know…AMAZED and I am literally smiling sarcastically while looking around. It’s a practical world you see! People are pragmatic towards life…towards career and even towards their social circle. It’s a mutual beneficial society. We no more make but select friends. We no more fall but choose to love. We no more feel but avoid feeling anything. We close our eyes and believe that the world is nothing but a black hole.

This is the world we live in today. Yes, believe me you that one day….one day even the best of person in your life would let you down…one day even your best friend would leave you for someone else…even your parents would fail to understand you…people who said would always stand by your side would ask you to find someone else. Coz this is life…it’s neither good nor bad…it’s just LIFE!

Hard to accept? You all must be feeling that I am just frustrated and depressed about my life and hence this post. Then let me make one thing clear…I am not. I am not an inch frustrated at the moment. Infact, I have never been this clear to myself. I have never seen the world this crystal clear. I have never been this honest to my soul and my mind.

I still don’t know whether I have accepted the truth, whether I am coming to the terms of it or have I become a rebel. Is there any love left within me or have I become numb? But yes…I have understand one thing…that in this ever changing world…only change is constant.

Life and it's teachings!

ife….it teaches you things which you never thought you would ever need. It teaches you to live alone…to smile in pain…to believe that there is nothing like forever…to accept that people leave…even the best person in your life would turn their back on you and you have to live alone someday…it teaches you to let things go….to accept the reality that if someone is not willing to be with you, you can’t make them stay…that value changes….priority changes…that this world is not only black and white…that at some point of time you have to give your toy to someone else…no matter how much your heart weep to see someone else playing with it. It teaches that heart break…more than once…that failing in love is worst than a broken heart..that rejection is toxic…too toxic to accept…that this world is running behind a mirage….an unidentified love…a crave. You’ll learn that relations change…that you can never ever back upon anything and say it will remain yours…forever….coz there is nothing like such.

This life is not bad…but it’s not fair too. Why it makes us learn thing the hard way? You know giving something to you and then snatching in the worst of way. Why we stop loving ourselves coz someone right their in your heart doesn’t love us? Why we become slave of our emotions? Are we that weak? Or we have become one? How do you feel when the world around take a state to resolve the issue between you and your heart? Who the hell are they to interfere between you both? Don’t you feel dejected and embarrassed coz now the whole world knows you have been deprived by your owns? This is a tough world to live in for the people like us. Like we emotional fools…who, when care for a person loses every shackles and boundaries. We, who cares…cares and keep caring with tears in eyes and a little hope in heart to get the same love as before…same place as before. We remember old times and people make fun of us coz we are strucked up in the good old days…the time of togetherness…the time when only ‘we’ exist…no third party…no involvement of this world. People make fun of us coz we can’t fake…if we love someone…we say that with no regrets…if we hate someone,….we show that with no embarrassment….

This is me…just the way I am…people ha sloved me..hated me..left me…but I am still me…I love each and every part of my past…the people those were lost in the tide…the people I am losing today…but I’ll love them….today and forever…coz the only thing which life failed to teach me is to ‘CHANGE WITH TIME AND BE SELFISH’!