Meesha

She was lying on bed..like a body with no soul to live..no heart to feel..just tears flowing out from her eyes.More than a month has passed but there was no sign of improvement in her condition. Her Mom, Dad, friends..all were worried but could do nothing as nobody knows the reason. She was not talking with anybody..not even with her best friend. She has never behaved like this before.She has caged herself in her room...her eyes has gone gray from red...her face..numb..Her eyes was just looking at the window..all day..all night.Her body has gone lean...she looks sick..
Everyone was trying to talk with her... but how can she react when neither her brain nor her heart was there...they have reached years back..when she met him..the time when they were together..madly…deeply in love with each other...she could hear nothing but echoes of his voice..the promises that he made...the love which he showered on her....the dreams they saw together..their laughs...their love...their future...their life..their home...when everything was about them.
Her mind gets back to the day when he left...without saying anything to her...she waited...for months ...but he never called back. She still waited for him...all these years...she was living with his thoughts...with his memories..because somewhere she was sure he will come back...someday...she waited for months..years...but this someday never came. She started living in her own world...many man tried to woo her but she was madly in love with him...waiting for him to come back...
Eight years passed..one day she got a call..It was him.The moment she hears his voice,she became mum...and tears started talking. She always knew that he would come back...but her destiny was playing with her ..as always.
He called to inform her about his marriage. He was getting married..... in a month.

There is something in you. Something I just can't resist....

“…A true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever. Nah. Too painful.Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it.”

-- Elizabeth Gilbert

I like life slow...one moment at a time...

24 hours in a day...I remember when I was in school...I used to spend around 8 hrs there...around 3 hours of tuition..3 hours of self study with a sound sleep of around 7 hour...and the next day when I used to wake up...I always get up fresh and rejuvenated.
Today, the time which I have is still 24hours a day...no school, no college, left job so ..yeah..no job...but still I feel like I dont have time to do anything....I sleep but still feel awake whole night..I listen to music but still dont feel the magic of it in my heart....and when I wake up I feel more tired...like whole night I did some herculean task. I cant study properly..there is something or the other which keeps on disturbing me and then I feel how it feels like to grow up...I miss my school life...miss it to the extreme...when I had time for eveything..studies, fun, music, sleep..everything. And today, life is just upside down...so much...so so much has changed. And I dont like changes...I never liked changes. When I changed my school in 11th it took more than 2 months to adjust there...I like life slow...static..one moment at a time. I get confused when so many things happen together. The feeling of hate and Love together...the urge to love and being loved, the time when night falls out and dawn enters, feel drowsy and still want to awake..when a train comes and other departure, when a song finishes and other starts..goodbyes and hellos...they make me feel bad...these emotions ...two at a time...what should I feel? Bliss of hellos or sorrow of goodbyes? Beauty of night or freshness of dawn? Love to hate or hate to love? Madness to love someone or pleasure of being loved? Why cant I feel all these moments but one at a time? Why life moves so fast and never waits for anyone? Why it takes things away when we are least prepared and give something when we never expect? Strange it is….Life and its mysteries!!!!

Quoting HUM TUM

HUM aur TUM ke beech ek hi problem hai,
TUM ke bina HUM adhoore hain!!!

A Phase so strange...

There is a lot of anger and rage inside me...I can feel it...every second of each passing day. I dont know the reason behind it..but the impact could easily be felt on the people around me...family, friends, acquaintances, teachers, colleagues...everyone. It kind of feel awkward when I face them after my stupid behavior...I shout without reason...I cry on silly things...I dont feel like talking to anyone...I hate when anyone expects anything from me... I hate when people gives me any sort of admiration..I almost lose my temper when any person of opposite sex tries to flirt or cross that boundary which I have drawn around me. I have blocked almost everyone on my gmail...even people close to me....my mobile keeps on ringing till its battery exhausts completely. This is a very strange phase...and I feel suffocated...I want to talk....talk a lot and vent everything out...I feel a big burden on my heart every time...It takes fraction of seconds for my tears to flow out from my eyes...neither can I study...nor can I concentrate on any other thing...I feel restless all the time...all the time. Its been months since I had a sound sleep...I could feel my senses on whole night...every night. The more close I want to get with people, the more void I am creating around myself..there is something which stops me ...which stops me to laugh, to feel, to enjoy...I neither live in present, nor in past...future is a thing I cannot think of now.
But one thing which I have realized is that this is not due to any one reason but ample of reasons working together....personal life, professional life, family, surroundings...lots of failures contributing to my state. I feel like I am screaming in a place where no one listens to me...its so noisy that even my heart and mind fails to cooperate. And then I shout more...more louder...and a point comes where my voice chokes and I fall down.. weak, tired. People around me feel that I have changed...that I am intentionally doing all this...creating differences. And I dont try and give any clarification to anyone..not even to my parents...coz I know..they will never understand the phase I am going through. I dont feel any beauty around...Its just anger...a single feeling of anger my poor heart feels all the time..with no reason known. I spend hours sitting in front of my laptop doing nothing...I feel exhausted all the time...all I want to do is cry...and cry all the time.

(I want to go to a place unknown to me..I want to meet people I have never met before...people who dont know who I am...why have I come there...no questions...just silence. I want my soul and mind to rest for sometime...It has over flown with thoughts..thoughts..and thoughts.)

With you...for you!!!

I waited for your call yesterday...and at 5 pm I lost the hope to get any message from you about your arrival...There was something wrong going between us from the last few days...though I know things already are messed up but I was sure you cannot go from here without meeting me. But ,you know,there is a rebel inside my body which was continuously saying some is going wrong...and till the evening I was convinced by my brain that this time the story is different... that this tome you don’t want to meet...that I lost a little place which I had in your life.
But, 12:30 am...getting you call gave me a sigh of relief...even your "normal" talks was not disturbing me this time...for this gave me a sense that still there is something between us..not friendship..not love...but something which could not be given any name.
I did not sleep whole night...the thought of meeting you...having you with me even for few hours was making me anxious and excited at the same time. Don’t know when the time passed..yes..whole night passed without a drop of sleep in my eyes.
And within few hours..you were there..sitting in front of me..smilling...making all those cute faces...Did I ever told you I love the way you express your thoughts with your eyes? The way with each passing sentence, the expressions of your eyes changes? I could not believe my eyes we were sitting together...after more than a year...that was a moment so beautiful...and let me tell you...you have not changed a bit...you still do all those stupid things which makes me fall in love with you all over again...you still talk like a Man...a Man I wanted to be mine...you still tease me the way you used to....the way you flirt in between all those serious talks...your mere touch still evokes that desire to be in your arms...
I tried a lot to avoid any eye contact with you and concentrate on my cappuccino..but how can I avoid your voice? How can I avoid your smell which still drives me crazy? I love the way you still dominates me with an authority..that makes me feel special...even if I am not.
But why did you said that you met her before coming here? Why 24hrs for her and 3 for me? That disturbed me...a lot. I could not say this thing to you...but that made me feel bad...I don’t know why! Though at this point of time I don’t have any right to question any of your deed...but you should not have told me this. I would rather like to be ignorant and happy than to be aware and hurt. You know I never liked your closeness with her...neither when we were together nor today.
But then, the day was beautiful with you...for neither we discussed anything about future...nor complained anything about past..we lived the moment of present.
Things could never be sorted out between us...I know...but these few moments once in a year makes me feel alive for few hours.