Happy New Year ( and my 100th post )

WISH YOU ALL A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR! MAY THIS YEAR BRINGS A LIFE FULL OF BLISS AND SUCCESS!!




AND I FINALLY ENDED THIS YEAR WITH A CENTURY!!!
MY 100TH POST !!!

Last Note of this year ( Few words for some people of my life)

This year too has passed...lots has changed...yes..it has too...changes are inevitable...I know..I personally don’t adore changes...but then, sometimes you just have to leave things as they are...they have their reasons to be like that. This year..2010...I won't say it was a year full of pain, tears...No..This year gave me moments which I cannot forget....ever...I met people so wonderful and full of life...Some known strangers...and above all the time I spent with myself this year...I never talked with my heart so much ever.
On 1st of January 2010...I had them...all of them...and today..on 31st of December...I can only see my heart talking with me..Consoling me...giving me reasons to smile.
Today...at the end of this year...I want to say few things to some people...I can’t really express my emotions...I am very bad at this...so today, I want to share my feelings with them..

TO MOM

Mom,
You have been a real source of inspiration for me. You are a perfect woman...I haven't met a woman stronger than you. I know we both hardly agree on anything, we have different ideologies...I have been very rude with you at times. I know I always took Dad's side whenever there was some argument between you two...but I admire you with all my heart..more than love I have respect for you. I know you have gone through harsh realities of life...you have suffered a lot to make this house a home. I know without you we can't stand...even for a second. You are the most precious pearl of this ocean...and you are the most important part of my life. Without you I can't walk...
I know I haven't said this to you ever...but "I Love You".

To You
You know it all..don't you? No word in this world has power enough to express the love I have for you. You are the most beautiful thing that has happened in my life. With you I realized how beautiful life is. With you I learned to dream...to smile with my heart. You were a friend, a guide, a mentor..you were the Love of my life. You were the Man I wanted in my life...everything about you was just perfect...for me...yes, it was perfect. With you my heart laughed...without you..how can my heart even live without you? You live with me..inside me! We can’t be together...but you are always with me...I feel you around every second of each passing hour...every hour of each passing day. I don’t have to be with you to feel you...I don’t have to close my eyes to see you...to remain with me..all the time. They say years have passed...when will I get over to your memories? They don't know...what you are to me. We have talked without words...we have danced without music...we have made love without touching each other...how can I ever get over to your memories? You are not with me yet you’re the most beautiful gift I have.
Words...words stands nowhere to describe the feeling I have...I love you and will always do...till infinity.
(I wish you again say "me...infinity +1")

To My best Friend (Atrangi)
I am sorry for the things happening amidst us...I am sorry for the things I did which may have hurt you. I know we were best of friends once...and you still are the only person I can trust today. I don’t know why things changed!
I won't say much...just one thing...whether we talk or not....whether we remain in contact or not....whether I hold any importance in your life now or not.....you were..are.. and will always be my best friend. I wish you all the success, love and happiness for all these coming years. I love you dear....and will always do.

To the other woman

I don't know why am I writing anything to you...may be because you have my thing now! You have the most precious thing of this world. Take care of him...he is very sensitive. Laugh with him...he loves it. Listen to his stories...with interest...he is the best storyteller I have ever met. Dance with him...he loves dancing. Make good food for him...he is a connoisseur of food. Give him your shoulder when he feel low....no matter how strong he looks...he is still a small kid at heart. Understand his pain through his eyes...he will never say or utter his pain. Never leave him alone...never. He won't argue for anything...so don't ever argue with him. Try to read his eyes..his eyes says it all. He won't ask you to do anything...you have to understand him to know what he want. Develop the habit of reading girl...he won't spend a day without reading some pages of his novel. Be his best friend...he needs a friend not love at times. Hold him tight when he has a bad dream...he often have them. He is not any boy...but a Man...a mature Man...so keep aside your girly talks and be a woman he want.
Don't ever fight with him....ever...Love him...Love him with all your heart...this is all he need.

Today

I dont really remember the day when things started changing...I dont remember when I became this solitude loving women from a chirpy girl. I can’t recall the day when I started taking things seriously in my life. I was so different from what I am today. I used to Dream...about my future...about my life...about my Prince Charming. We used to discuss this...me and my friends...about the type of Man we want...about the things we expect from life...about the things that makes us happy..our likes...our dislikes...so many things.
Today..today is so different...I don’t dream anymore..I don’t ponder over my life..I can’t see my Prince Charming coming from anywhere..I dont know what makes me happy...I don’t care about my likes or dislikes...this is what I am today.
Certainly..this is not the thing I planned for...This is not the Life I wanted...but you can’t actually 'plan Life'. Not much time has passed....when things were just fine..life was so full of everything...I had nothing to ask for...moments passed and things started slipping from my hand...Friends, Joy, Happiness..Love...Lost all precious things..and today..I am not scared...coz I have nothing to lose..just no thing. Yes, I do miss them sometimes...I miss my friends..their presence when I feel low...their hugs...I miss my smile..and I miss him. But, I dont want them back...not even him now...I have learned to live without them...and learning to live without him. I dont feel the need to have someone in my life...I still love them..love them immensely..but I don’t want them back. I feel comfortable with my own company...I talk, I sing, I dance, I write..
Life has taught me a lot...and still there are ample of unexplored things in this life...I have my past to cherish..I have moments to enjoy...and I have his memories....for this time..this is enough to breathe and stay alive!!!

'Would you tell me, which way I ought to go from here?
'That depends a good deal on where you want to get go,' said the Cat.
'I don't much care where- ,' said Alice.
'Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat.
'- so long as I get somewhere,' Alice added as an explanation.
'Oh, you're sure to do that,'said the Cat,'if you only walk long enough.'

Alice in Wonderland

People I meet- I

I met this girl few months back...she was just another batch mate...Since I was not in a mood to make any new friend so I kind of avoided any conversation with anyone there apart from few formal talks. Day passed and things were going pretty fine...with I am all engaged in my work..no particular friend but lots of acquaintances. And then this girl caught my attention when she started asking lots of question with our faculty. It’s not the first time someone was asking such question but the level of questions and her keen interest to find every logic to solve that question made my attention diverted towards her.Within few days, with few hi- hellos followed by few strictly formal talks we started studying together...me , her and two more girls. I sort of liked her confidence and the way she take things....but being a scorpion I dislike people who try to dominate me...and this girl had this habit of making everything her way. There came many incidents when we really had clashes of thoughts and ideologies...I being a short tempered person lost my temper many times..but her way of handling me was so good and in few days we became friends(kind of). Though we never shared anything related to our personal lives but in some way I felt that I could connect with her. And one day we four were discussing about life, luck and all...and one girl of our group who is a member 'Art of Living' stated few things about destiny. She said that everything , every incident has a meaning in our life. We meet many people in our life and every person in some way or the other teach us something...some moves on while some stays...coz they are destined to...no matter how much we try to restrict ourselves...few things are just not in our control. Today we are sitting here..we all have our different paths to follow...who knows we'll never meet or even talk...but this moment...this moment was planned.
Next day when we met...there was this slight change in our behavior...we started understanding each other..helping one another...talking and discussing on issues other than our studies. And one day she read my blog and without asking any question she said few things about me which was pretty strange for me to listen from a person who really don’t know anything about me...yes, she was right..her words, her thought all were correct...and so my assumption to connect with her. Today, we still haven’t shared anything personal, but there is this strange understanding between us...a bizarre relation which we share...knowing everything still nothing about each other. I promised her that we will talk on this once we get free from our exams..and this time I am more than eager to talk with her. She is somewhat like me..coz everytime she is quite I know she wants to talk...everytime I ask her for something she knows the reason behind it. I dont know if we really are friends or we'll be able to carry this relation further...but we do meet people in this journey whom we can never forget...She is one of them..and I am glad I met her.

...And I let go of the last thing I had of us...our conversations...of 4 years..that was a tough decision though...but maybe this was the time...this was the time to take that decision...I don’t know what was the driving force behind it...all those harsh facts? Uncertainties of our relation? The fact that I love you more than anything in my life? The reason that you can’t love me with the same intensity or even a bit of it? our differences? knowing each other so well? That guilt of yours?
I thought of it..many times..but never had courage enough to actually do it....that was the last and the most lovable thing I had...the thing which always made me realize that I am still close to you...and now I am left with nothing....just nothing.
That night I cried so hard that next day when I woke up , I felt like I am having some hangover...obviously I was not drunk...but I don’t know...the hangover was so bad....And then after getting sort of normal after cups of coffee..when I saw myself in the mirror, my eyes asked how does it feel like....numb...numb was the answer my heart replied. Yeah, I could not feel anything...no feeling of loss, remorse, pain....just numb. This was not the first time though I felt something like this...but this time it’s certainly for a long period....
Right now I am feeling nothing...may be due to the music which is playing behind this notepad file...or coz of the three empty cups of coffee already lying on my table..or coz this cold winter night...or may be something else...My face is blank and so is my mind...though I usually keep this blank expression while I am in my home...but this time no efforts required at all.
And this time I want this numbness to last for sometime...though it hardly leaves me for moments of pain...but this time I want it to stay...even in moments of joy (and of pain)...

Never heard a music so soothing and tranquil. For the first time heard something which makes me feel so calm and satiated at the same time. Dont know whether its the music or the situation in which I heard this.For the first time I could think of nothing...just nothing while listening this. Just cant take my mind off from this.

I went there yesterday...our place..that place was our favourite...wasn’t it?....and so I preferred to go alone there...with our memories...the place hasn’t changed a bit...in all these years...its still serene and calm....and that corner...its still the best of place to sit...sat there for few minutes...can’t hold emotions for long when it comes to you..so ....yeah sat only for few minutes. Saw a boy and a girl sitting there...some 16-17 years old teenagers...the girl...she seems to be the happiest person on the earth with the boy...her eyes..full and contented as if this is going to last forever...must have been initial stage of their "love"...they are beautiful...initial stages. I remember how our time was....all those cute messages...those long late night talks...madness to see each other even if its just for a second..those uncontrollable laughs....not missing any chance to listen one another's voice...your voice....your voice....how every time I gt goose bumps whenever you used to say 'I love you'. I loved the way you always said these words in the middle of our serious talks...those nights...endless dreams....
And then there are things which no one knows....no one except us....and these are the things which always keeps you close to me....even in your absence. You remember I told you once that I talk with you even if you are not with me...and you said "It means that even if we are apart...you'll never lose me." Yes, I can’t ever lose you....for I have never felt such a strong urge for anyone...I haven’t felt so weak and strong at the same time with anyone...for I don’t have strength enough to stay away from you...physically...emotionally...mentally!!! Yes,you have made me so vulnerable...and I love the intensity of it!!!

I so want to talk to you...every day I feel that urge to call you...to listen your voice..listen to your whispers in the night. I want to tell you...every detail of how my day passed...what made me happy...what things made me sad...about the people I met...about the things I did. I so want things to become like they were....smooth..beautiful...nights...so full of love...your voice...our heartbeats….your smile...our talks....the way you used to sing for me...that song.....your stories...our love...our sighs....silly talks...reasonless laughs...that silence...
The way I used to close my eyes while you talk....to feel you...to love you. don’t go. Please don’t...from my memories...from my mind..my heart...don’t leave as u left me....stay with me...this night...stay..stay....just one night...talk to me...smile for me...love me....let me keep my palm on yours....let me hold your hand..once again...just for a night...stay..
Let me go insane by your aroma...let me feel the madness...the insanity of your our love...just for a night...make me feel alive again...let me feel the warmth of your body...look at me...let me peep into your eyes.....talk to me..just for a night....stay....stay...

Wait kills,destroy the human inside
Numbness and insanity defines my state
Words and sentences does not match
Full stops have taken place of commas
Dreams have become nightmares
Your absence has become an ally

WE? 'WE' don't exist
Loneliness wants to become solitude
Love and Pain are synonyms now
Eyes only stares and does not see
Speechless, flabbergasted I am
Was it you? Or is it you?

I have been living alone for quite a sometime now...all alone. This is for the first time I am having no one...just no one around me.But the thing is that I am feeling good....enjoying the time I am spending with myself. I never got this chance to talk with my soul, to understand the things I need, I want...to realize that its not necessary to always have someone by your side. I would not say that I am happy or feeling contented...but I am not feeling low.
There was a time when life was so contended...full of bliss. Time when I never thought of him going away...when I never realized that friends cant always live with you ...that there is a life which exists beyond the fun and company of friends....and this life is just opposite of what we were living. I never thought of becoming a person which I am today. No! It’s not a complain. I am glad for being a more strong and mature person than I was(thnx to life and its complexities). When I was a kid and whenever I had to make any decision I always used to go to my father for help...and he always used to say "This is your life...we can only tell you the pros and cons of your choices...but as far as decision is concerned...that you have to take".And today, I am happy that wherever I am ...whatever I have faced...those were my decisions...I planned my life and whatever comes now..I'll face it.
Today, when I look back I feel that the time which I have seen in my life was beautiful...I have so many moments to cherish that I can spend my life with them. But today? Why today is so different from yesterday? Today I cannot see anyone even miles away...Are they going away from me or its me who is bringing the differences? How can everyone...everyone change at the same time...or it is just the way I am looking at things? Sometime I think that I have lose it all...everyone...friends, parents, love...but then I too realize that may be this is the time...the time of self-realization....the time to think about myself...to understand the fact that this life and the things related to it are all mine and no single person can affect the way I live or think, that no person can become the reason of my happiness nor my grief.