A lot happened in the last few days..things so unexpected that I never thought of even in my worst of dream..things so strange that I can’t even think of doing or facing ever in my life. But this is life..isn’t? Expect the unexpected..is what they say. True. Then why to even expect anything. But isn’t too much to ask for? To expect nothing. I was once a person always surrounded by people..not that I had to put any effort for that..but it was always like this. I never lived alone. I always had some person or the other to be by my side. Yes, that was a person I used to be. Always surrounded by people..a loud life…laughs…no worries..love..fun..everything. Yet, there was something that was missing. Something that always made me wondered what am I without these people…what will I do without them.
But, that thought was never permanent..it used to come and leave my mind the very next second. I was too adamant to accept the fact that things will change…one day…some day. Time passed and things changed…not for good but for worst. Those people who once were my lifeline started finding their own ways.. ways which never coincide with mine. One by one they left..leaving me standing helpless..clueless.
Now…I was left with very few people around…so few that their count ends before the start. But..I was fine with it. Atleast I had someone..someone with whom I can share my woes with..someone whom I can call anytime..and they would listen to me. But I always missed that time. I talked about it..I wrote about it..but It never helped.
And then there came a time when I lost those ‘few’ people of mine. I lost the years long nexus with them..they were the people I could have died for..and that was the last thing I wanted in my life to happen…to lose them..to lose my life.
With few..I still talk…seldom. But things have changed…times have changed…I have changed…and they will never be the same..never.
I am a different person today..not that I don’t care for them…their happiness still satiates my heart…their tears still makes my heart weep…I am always and always there for them..anytime they call me. But something inside me has changed…I am my own world now…I am my companion now..for I have understand the consequences of attachment…the after-effects of trust..the agony of being alone..all alone.
I see people of my age doing things ..going around..making efforts to look good. I don’t feel like doing any of those thing..this is just not me. I would love to read whole night than to party all night…I would love to sip my cappuccino in a café surrounded by strangers than to be with known-strangers.. I would love to wear my T’s than dripping sexy tops….I would prefer my slippers over stilettos. It scares me sometime…this weird choice of mine. I do not feel connected with this world around. I don’t feel love inside me anymore…neither for myself, nor for anyone else.
May be this is just a phase or maybe I have become this way. But as they say..Nothing lasts forver. This too shall pass.