And yesterday one of my friend asked why I don’t write anything these days…and I realized it’s been quite a while since I wrote anything. I thought and realized I am loosing this zeal to make memories and save things for future. The reason for me writing this blog is not only to satiate my lust to write but also to make memories…with the things I cried for..things that made me laugh, people I met, those heartbreaks, my anger ..love..my tears. But today, when I could write so much…when so so much is happening in my life I ..in a strange way…am not feeling this need to write or to vent things out.
Few things with which I feel connected…books, music…I pass my days without reading a single page or listening a single song. The book I started some five days back….is still lying on my table with a bookmark on page number 123….and it’s been four days since its been there…on page number 123. And I am suffering from a new disease of forgetting things. I message people and later realize that I have sent a wrong message to the right person. I forget for what purpose I have turned on my laptop. I forget with whom I have to talk about what topic.
There was a time when I used to say that new place would change everything in my life…that it would erase all the bad memories and I would make new memories for myself…and now..when the time has come for me to go to that new place…I feel nothing is going to change. I have always been a victim of mood swings and now when everything is almost finalized…I don’t want to leave this place and move into a new city. This is so irritating…this behavior of mine. I get bore with everything...with messages, chats, phone calls, songs, places, TV channels and now even with these social networking sites. I hung the call in between while talking with someone coz suddenly I start feeling bored of it. I sign out from chat while chatting with all my close friends.
In all these months I never felt this urge to talk with someone….and today a moment came when I felt terribly upset for no certain reason and I wanted to talk with someone…just normal talk… nothing specific….and just when my best friend called I was totally lost and could not utter a single word to him. With him I don’t have to think before speaking…and I was blank and could not say a word.
I don’t know if this is mere stress or I am turning to be of this kind. It the latter becomes true…I am going to hate myself more ….I , anyways, never loved myself!