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I am going insane. Or this world is getting crazy. There has to be one possibility. I want to cry. Cry like a baby. If growing up is such a curse…I would probably choose ending my life here at this very point. I am tired of good-byes. The pace at which relations are going away and people are leaving my life..soon I’ll be bog down again in the marsh of oblivion. I believe in maintaining few but valuable relations. And my intensity of maintaining them is so high that I can cross every boundary to retain them. But, the point where I see my place changing in their life…or I am losing or have to share my people with someone else…and even that person is not fighting back to save my position in his/her life…I’ll stop fighting and lose the battle myself! But I never felt this helpless ever as I am today. It’s like damn suffocating. The air is all round but you couldn’t breathe. …having everything still deprived if it. The pain of watching your own foetus dying in front of your eyes. That painful it is watching your most precious relation dying every second before you and you couldn’t do anything about it. The trauma is unbearable. Save me oh lord! Save me!

Standing here today...when I look back and see myself caring, loving , crying for people....accepting their lies even after knowing the truth...standing by them..fighting for them...walking those extra miles, crossing boundaries to make THEM feel good, sacrificing my own happiness to just see a smile on their face....I SEE A FOOL STANDING THERE....doing every possible thing and still standing alone!

Think its time for a reality check!

A life like this!

A life without boundations..without boundaries. Where there are no deadlines..no watch to keep track of time. When you sleep without thinking of the time when you need to wake up..when you walk without worrying about the time of coming back…where you can just keep talking with your best friend all night without any thought of getting up early next day.

A world where there are no boundaries. Where you could just say anything whatever is there in your mind. Where if you love someone you could just go and say what you feel…where if you want to be with someone you could just go and be with him/her. Where you could scream, shout, cry without giving reasons.

Can’t life be this simpler? Can’t we live real life for once…why do people pretend?

Oh this complex world! Oh my silly naïve heart!

For the sake of survival!

I am learning to survive. To survive without people, without love, without care, without affection..without an inch of warmth in heart. I have made a circle all around myself…with boundaries so strong that no one could cross them and reach the only one standing inside..Me. It’s been quite a while since I have felt any connection developing inside, for anyone. The zeal to live..to enjoy..to talk with new people..to feel happy and jovial has vanished. I find pain and pleasure, at the same time, in solitude. I cry and laugh upon the life I am living..the type of person I have become. A cold hearted person. A loner. I walk on unknown roads all alone without any fear of losing the way back. I sit alone for hours with thousand of thoughts pounding inside my mind, but unable to understand any. I have lost contact with almost all my friends. I feel tired..talking with people. I see their missed calls and messages on my phone but could not call them back. Not that I do that intentionally but sometimes I forget and sometimes I just let it go. Every Saturday night I sit alone in my room and do nothing. All my hostel mates go for parties and night outs but I sit here alone..without any regret of choosing this life..of the pain I am giving to my heart…to myself. I punish myself daily with this loneliness..with this numbness.

The ultimate fate of this life scares me sometimes…but I could not feign happiness. It’s too much to ask from a person like me. I know I am ruining myself..I am destroying the dreams I once saw for myself..the expectations of my parents..their love…their care. I feel guilty for the things they do for me..coz I know I could not return anything to them. Not even love. Coz there is no love left in me.

Yet, I am surviving……I am learning to survive!

The changed world or the changed me?

It’s been long…quite long. Years have passed by. The feeling is getting worst. Since then. Strange is the way I feel for myself. The way I see a different world around. People changing each and every second. Relationships getting staled. Feelings changing with every passing second. It sucks! These changes. And what sucks more is the way I have changed and the type of person I have become. Love, Calmness, tranquility is bygones today. The only feelings which exist are of aggression, anger and hatred.

I have lost almost all people with whom I once was so close. And the irony is I don’t miss them. I don’t feel the need to call them and talk to them. I don’t care if people hate me or love me. Coz they doesn’t matter anymore. The feeling of being accepted or rejected doesn’t matter. I don’t miss the presence of anyone in my life. Not even my parents. Yes, I do care for them but I don’t miss anyone.

But I feel a strange urge sometimes. The urge to get lost in a crowd. To run to some unknown place…talk with strangers…. Walk alone for hours. People find it difficult to talk with me these days. The type of reaction they get from me is weird, as per them. I somewhere know this. There is this devil developing inside me and this devil has ruined lot many things till now. It is making me numb, careless, selfish bitch. And this bitch doesn’t care about herself too.

What have I become? What will I be sometime from now. It makes me scare sometimes. But then I don’t care about that too.