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Thursday, January 26, 2012

Last Night!

I do not believe in God. I do not believe there live someone up there with any physical form. Yet I believe there do exist some superpower…formless…shapeless...nameless. And that superpower lives within all of us…who carries this whole universe on his/her shoulder. Many of us feel its presence in early stages of our lives…and for others…they never realize something like this has its existence anywhere around or within.

Last night was one such experience for me. In all these months I did not find a single tear in my eyes. Despite all the disasters and hiccups going in my life…I thought I have forgotten crying. But last night, tears couldn’t stop flowing for no particular reason. I did not cried coz of the life I live. This life is my choice. I hardly talk with anyone. Number of missed calls on my phone is much more than the number of received calls as I don’t feel like picking up the phone. There are numerous unanswered messages in my inbox. Every weekend I sit all alone in this room thinking what I have done with my life, still ,not for a second I feel bad about it.

But last night I cried. Not because of the life I live, but because I could not control what’s going inside me. I cried coz I fail to understand what’s wrong with me? Coz even after pouring my heart out in every relation from being a kid to this stage of my life, I still stand alone. I cried coz sometimes it’s hard to live with people so occupied with love. What will you do when people you live with, people you talk with everyday, your circle…all is full of people madly in love? And you know you’re the only one who doesn’t belong anywhere here. It’s sometimes suffocating and irritating…these surroundings.

I did not sleep whole night..pondering…sobbing…finding escape…until morning when I realized this is me. And this is the way my life is. I can love someone but cannot live with him all life. I can fall in love but cannot carry a relationship. That, relationships and me are two poles which can stand opposite to each other but can never meet. The kind of love I believe in and the type of care I shower turns into shackles sometimes for the other person. And hence I try and keep a distance from it. Relationships.

For I believe…and today I am sure of the thing…that relationships and me are just not meant for each other. And, all the above said things are actually echoed words of my heart . Do you call it voice of superpower? Well, I do!

7 comments:

Blasphemous Aesthete said...

Darn! So? Now what? It is not your cup of cake, would you change the cup? Or mend its leaks?
They say that once you've cried for something, make sure you never cry for the same reason again. It is tough though.

Regards,
Blasphemous Aesthete

My Never Ending Thoughts... said...

I really do understand each and every word ur heart has poured here.. Number of missed calls more den received calls and also unanswered messages, I can also relate to not crying even when the things are completely wrong but crying like a hell when everything is perfect.

Staying alone in the small world created by us is more better and full of happiness then staying in this crowded selfish world.

I can relate myself to each and every word u have written here..

Thanks for such post..

Mansi said...

@BA:
I still need to cry that hard that I would never cry again!

@MNET:
Thnx..glad you could relate!

Unleashed said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unleashed said...

Hey,

I am not too much of a blogger, in fact i suck at it. I do follow few blogs though. Never commented on ur blog before.
The Blogs "A lot like Love" and "Last Night" were written 5 days apart and they are 2 completely different sides of you.

"The last night" seemed to have been written in the moment and the previous was more of self realization and i have no clue what am i trying to get at. "the Last" night left me wondering, and i could relate to some part of it though I wasn't sure u meant the same and that I guess had me comment.

mark cooper said...

hey mansi, you really write great. i read all your post since that "touching desires with silence". good work mansi

Mark

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Mansi said...

@Unleashed:

ok :P I guess I got what ur tyin to say!

@MArk:
thnx!!:)