This is how...my LOVE is!

I am a lover. A hopeless romantic. No, I do not fantasize that some Mr.Right is gonna come on white horse or other such stories. But my love has a different definition. I guess we all have. Somewhere.

I could love you only with my eyes. I won’t utter big words. I won’t do big things. But I would write poems for you. Endlessly. I would sit all night to write notes for you. When the time is hard…I won’t say ‘I am there’..but instead…I will be there..standing right beside you. Even if you could not see me..trust me…I am right there..watching every step you take…counting every breath of yours. And if you fall….I would catch you…and even if I fail…I promise I would wipe your tears.

I could watch you sleep all night…absorbing every little detail of your face…the curve of your nose…the length of your eyelashes…the shape of your lips…the slant of your forehead…how your chest goes up and down everytime you breathe. I would know which line of a song makes you sad…which scene of a movie would make your heart cry. I may not say soothing words when you’re low…but I would sit beside you…silently..and would hold your hand..or give you a hug.

I would send a line from a song to you at 3 A.M. Decipher it. It has a reason why I have done that. Even when I am out for shopping or just wandering…I would think of you. If the place is anywhere close to your kind..I would think of taking you there someday. I would keep track of all the things you liked or casually said you’ll buy next time…no matter how small it is…I would bring that for you…just to see that surprised smile on your face. Coz that is what matters to me.

I may not be the best lover. But I know I am best for you. Coz when I love…there is only one thing..EXTREME. Your tears would make me cry…your laugh would make me smile. I would sit up all the night coz you are awake. I would write all special dates....right from the first touch to the first hug…from the first coffee to the first fight…but would not expect you to remember them.

This is how my love is. And even if you break my heart….I may shout to hate you…I may utter all bad words…I may swear to never see your face again…but remember….Once I have loved you…like really…you will always be loved…with the same intensity…with the same extreme…with the same heart. FOREVER!

P.S
“Yes, I was infatuated with you: I am still. No one has ever heightened such a keen capacity of physical sensation in me. I cut you out because I couldn't stand being a passing fancy. Before I give my body, I must give my thoughts, my mind, my dreams. And you weren't having any of those.”
-- Sylvia Plath,

What are words, if you don't mean them!

If there is one thing I would die to keep…if there is one thing that if broken by someone, will never get my faith back…if there is one thing I could be proud of myself for...it’s the WORDS.

I have always believed in doing what I say/promise…and I ask nothing but true words from any person. Expectations? Not really. I would rather ask you not to say anything…not to promise anything..but if you do…stand by it. Nothing gets me more freaked out than fake words or words which, when u said, never mean them.

The rule is very simple. NO LIES, NO HALF TRUTHS. I could forgive you for anything…for the broken heart…for the countless tears…for whatever ill you said…for all bitching or spitefulness…but spare me from the lies. Spare me from the words you could not keep. For this…there is no forgiveness in my heart.

My father has always said “The one who could not stand by his word..is never a person to rely or to trust”. I grew up listening to that. And today if I think of one thing that is unpardonable…it’s the bogus words. People may judge me for this. But this is what I believe in. Do not make a promise if you can’t keep it..no one is going to kill you for not making a false promise. Don’t say big words if you have no intention to keep them. Nobody is dying for your ‘never-meant-to-be’ words. But if you do…be a man enough to keep them.

Many a times a person could not fulfill a promise but he has all intention to do that…or atleast he has tried enough to complete it. That’s a totally different story. But saying just for the sake of ‘saying’ or showing how much you could do when actually you don’t have guts enough to do an inch of all the big words you say….well…entertain others with the sham. Do not expect me to welcome you everytime you broke your promise or said a lie or used all those glittery words you never meant. I do not expect you to make any promise to me…I would never ask you to do anything for me…I, never in my dreams, would look forward to say anything if you do not mean it.

This is the only sin which has no escape of forgiveness. Nothing more. Nothing less.

P.S. Here are the few lines of a song I totally love. Just want to share. Give it a try :)

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them

What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they're done

When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

A zillion things...such as these!

There are like zillion of things that has been left behind. You know. A zillion. The rainbow colour frocks. Maths text books. Clips that had pink butterflies on it. Hairbands that could stretch till the point your both hands could. Red and Black in colour. The summer vacations with cousins. We could sit all afternoon in the verandah at nani’s place. Playing teacher-teacher or house-house. I never understood why we repeat that two times you know. Video games. Sunday mornings.

And then there was this strange happiness inside. Amidst all holiday homework…all the fights over trifle issues….there was this strange happiness and contentment inside. As if the whole world is ours. There is only love and love around. Whom we love…loves us back. No complications. No heartbreaks. Tears come out only at broken doll or losing a game. There were dreams. Dreams of a happier tomorrow. Like life is waiting with open hands to welcome us.

There were twinkle in the eyes. Beauty in the smile. The REAL smile. Charm on the face. No dark circles. No insomniac nights. No uneven grown nails. No red, blue ,purple ,yellow nail paints to make the ugly fingers look a little better. No compacts and foundations to hide the dead skin. There were no dresses…costing thousands of bucks..just to hide the body which is getting older and revealing the one which is not real. There were books that would take us to a wonderland and not the one which would show the ugly reality. There were no realizations. No reality checks.

I wonder what a heaven I have left behind. Saw all those dreams. Studied all night. Solved numerous math problems. For today? For this time? All those things….what for? Today?

*Sigh*

Your fragrance!

4th Jan 2013

There is this strange fragrance that reminds me of you. I find it everywhere I go..u know…everywhere! It’s your fragrance…like the one I used to feel when I was around you. Like the one that was there in your room..the one in the yellow sweatshirt you gave me…like the T of yours I wore that day…like the one which surrounded us at that bench of campus….the one I felt when you hugged….like the one of the evening in the park. It makes me go insane…it drives me crazy..your fragrance…all round me. I feel suffocated…why suddenly everything has started using your cologne?…why everywhere I find it but not you? Oh yes…how can I find you now? We are not together…we never were.

Do you ever think of me? Does anything such as this reminds you of me? Like any specific word that I used to say every now and then..when you hear it from someone else? Like the way I used to smile after crying….like the way I used to tease you for girls…like the endless lectures… the theories of ‘moving on and getting over with the past’? Do you? Do you feel relieved after talking to someone else about the lows of life? About your past…like you used to…with me? Do you? Do you sing songs with guitar over phone to someone else….like you used to….to me? Do you? Does someone awake whole night because you are not sleeping….. like I used to? Do you fight with someone and make up by evening every day….like we used to? Do you share the same bond..the same love…affection with someone else…like us? Can you set example with someone else…of friendship…of love…like ours? Can you? Does someone else cry with you all night…like I used to…and not hung up the call till we both stop crying? Is there anyone who love you more than I do..Is there? I know there is no one…but definitely someone you love more than me!

And ohhh….here it is again….your fragrance…all around me. Does anyone feel your fragrance…like I do?

Hatred?

Hatred is one such emotion of human being that I fail to understand completely. What does it do to us? The one who hates? Whenever I feel this hatred for anything or anyone …I feel stronger than ever. I don’t understand this. At all. I don’t know if this is for temporary or have I really become this strong. I asked few of my friends about it and they had entirely different opinion about it. To them, hatred has only made them weak..or made them feel bad about it. But whenever I feel that something is making me weak or is hurting me…I try and find reasons to hate it..and I come out of it very easily..even if it is not for a very long time. Not that this hatred remain inside me for a very long time. I have seen myself feeling almost nothing about something after this 'hatred'. And it has relieved me..somehow!

But whenever I think of it…the hatred part inside me which is emerging too strong as a emotion..I feel it is somewhere taking me away from myself. I am moving away from the things that made me feel alive. I do not spend time with myself…it’s been like ages since I have sit and think about myself..about where my life is heading towards…what I am becoming as a person..It’s been long since I have written anything. I mean just too much has happened in my life in the last few months but I have nothing to write of…I just could not vent it out and hence the anger, pain is still inside me…filling the vessel of patience and perseverance with such a great speed. I wonder what will happen if this continue for long.

I am not my usual self…I feel anger and I laugh…I feel like crying and I start feeling hated….I feel helpless and I smile. I avoid facing things or rather prefer to move leaving that thought behind. This is so not me. I show emotions which I shouldn’t. I share things which I should have kept inside. I do things which are not right. I sometimes feel I have started faking with myself. I am losing the actual me. I am developing feelings which make me feel strong but guess somewhere taking me away from myself. I don’t know what exactly is it…I don’t know what this ‘Hatred’ thing is doing to me. For I just do not think about it at all. The people I was so attached with, I do not feel any connection with them today. I feel like everybody is just fulfilling the formality of being with you and so are you.

Is it the new emotion I am developing inside or am I losing the existing one?

standoffish

She sat there, holding a book in her hand. Page number 157. It doesn'ttake more than three days to complete a book of such a length, if it could hold her interest. And this book was one of her kind. But it has been several hours since she has been strucked on this page. The book was right there…in her left hand…with her index finger clenched amidst the half closed book. She tried opening it several times…moving her eyes over words…reading words after words but not a single word could make it through her brain.

She could not stop the voices echoing inside her mind…the pictures running before her eyes. She just closed her eyes with force…thinking this could help. But how could you close your eyes with what’s going within? She stood up…gasping for some air and lit a cigarette. Watching at the distant skyscrapers, thousand thoughts crossed her mind. She had left behind whole world of hers. The world which she made of so much love and affection. World..that once was hers’. Does she miss that? Does she hate the one who destroyed it? Is it anger or the helplessness which has made her so different?

What she is today is not an inch closer of what she used to be. She has secluded herself from everything and everyone around…becoming more of a mystery…more of a puzzle which no one could solve…not even she herself. People have given up long back to understand her. She says nothing. She shares nothing. All you could see is a weak smile on her face when asked what it is that bothers her so much.

It’s been hours since she has been staring at the sky…the distant sky touching buildings…the birds who have just waken up from the slumber. The dark circles around her eyes show the insomnia she has been suffering from.

Looking at the folded page 157….she closed the book. Realizing…it’s yet another night she spent thinking of those years. Yet another night that reminded how lonely she has become. Yet another night of ugly truths and late realizations.