शायद मेरा शहर अब मेरा नहीं रहा !

क्यूंकि कुछ भी तो अपना नहीं है इस बार यहाँ
ना ये गलियाँ, ना ये चौराहे
ना मेरे घर का आँगन,
ना मेरे यार के साथ बिताये वो पल सारे
हर कोई यहाँ बस दौड़ा चला जा रहा है
ना जाने किस चीज़ की तलाश में भटकता जा रहा है
सब कुछ बदला सा है यहाँ
खुशबू भी यहाँ की घुटन सी लगने लगी है
यादें कडवी हो रही हैं
क्या यादें बनाएँगे इस बार?
क्या ले जाएँगे इस अनजान शहर से?
सब कुछ तो छूट गया इस बार
टूट कर बिखर गया इस बार
या फिर सब कुछ वैसा ही है
जो टूटा है वो तो मेरे अंदर ही बिखरा पड़ा है
रात आँखों के कोने से आंसू तकिये पर अपनी जगह ढूँढ लेते हैं
और मुझे बिलखता छोड़ जाते हैं
ये मेरे शहर की आदत नहीं थी कभी
साये की तरह साथ रहता था ये मेरे
पर आज ये कुछ और है, या मैं कहीं और आ गयी हूँ?
क्युकि ना तो हवा हैं वैसी ना ही चौराहे
शायद मेरा शहर अब मेरा नहीं रहा !

Lost Sunshine!

I wanna heal, I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve
Held so long
Erase all the pain till it’s gone

How does it feel like when your heart asks you to leave? When the only thing you love tells you that your love and care suffocates him…that in the moments of despair, don’t look up to your heart to make you feel good. Find someone else to support you. That whatever you do for him..with all the love..what all extra miles you went to make your heart feel special…for the upmost value it holds in your life…for all these things…. you expect something in return. How would you feel when a part of your body…raises such questions on your love? On your care?

Is there any medicine or healer which can heal the wound given by your own heart? What would you do when your heart asks you not to struck with him but look for someone else? Doesn’t you hate yourself, for your love which was so pure, is been questioned? Will you ever be able to come out of this pain? This humiliation?

How your days will be like without your sunshine? How will you smile now when the reason is not with you? One side of you says things will get fine, while other defend that it’s too late now. You can never regain the love and trust of your heart. Knowing your little care or love would suffocate your heart..that your deeds would be questioned…that your care would be treated as an expectation.

*Sigh* Yes, I am broken today. And few wounds never heal….NEVER!

By chance:)

It is in those times when you are searching for an answer....dwelling amidst your heart and mind...wandering here and there for some sign...some way to follow...and suddenly you meet someone whom you have never thought of and you start realizing that is wasn't a mere chance but a sign...an omen that need to be followed!

Yes, some two days back I was returning to Noida from my home town and when I was looking for my coach, I saw a familiar face walking behind me. And within fraction of second I heard a “Hi” from him. He was my mentor during graduation and a person I have always admired. A young, dynamic person in his late twenties(I guess :P) . He too was going to Delhi as he has to catch a flight for Mumbai. Now my mentor, whom I call as ‘Sir’ is a writer, a thinker, an adventurous person, a wanderer and above all a person with whom you can discuss all kinds of intellectual, career related or philosophical topics. In short a kind of person with whom a person like me would love to talk. And then, the journey began.

The conversation started with general career talks, about happenings in personal lives. For the kind of observer he is, I knew he would easily spot the restlessness going inside my mind and heart. He knows about my writing too and hence he knows how I vent things out and what answers I am trying to find. We discussed about few books..about movies and about his and my blog. And as expected the discussion went to some other level wherein I could do nothing but smile on what he was saying as he was talking about the exact things I was thinking about. About search for self, about self-realization, about finding peace within ourselves, about things that disturbs you to the core but you could not do anything about it. This is the exact conversations I was looking forward to.

And then his one sentence made me think really hard. We were kind of out of contact for about two years. And one day…somewhere in march first week..I dropped him a message on Facebook that I want to talk to him and whenever he return to India, I want to meet him. And that day in train he said, “Guess you really wanted to meet me…and here we are today…meeting with such a co-incidence, as I never expected to meet you like this. Kuch aur maang leti us din to wo bhi mil jata. His last lime made me think…that the things I am trying to achieve…the peace I am craving for…the happiness I have been chasing for so long…Do I really aspire for these things from the core of my heart? Am I really sure of what I want from my life? Am I clear with my wants? With the things, I say, missing in my life? What am I upto and where I am heading towards?

He suggested me a book(which I ordered that very day) and gave me a goodluck coin and yes how can I forget the chocolates:P. We reached our destinations but his each and every word is still fresh in my mind. I believe that was an omen and he was a sign to let me follow the way…to go with the flow and to go in search of my answers. And today, I am certain that I will find my answers. That I will live for myself again. That I will indulge myself in things that I love and somewhere live for.

When love becomes illusion, you know its over!

It is exactly in those moments when you know it’s over. The relation which you have been trying to carry on with so much of zeal and efforts has nothing left in it. It has only your breaths, your veins and your heart entangled with it. You have been asking for a break and all these times he says no to it. You ask him do he need more space and he always says he doesn’t need anything else except you. You ask him do you bother him too much and he says nothing can bother him more than your absence.

And suddenly the game turns upside down. You ask him do he need a gap and he says yes to it. He says he thought of having some space between you two. You ask him to have less conversation and he agrees to it….He, who always yelled at you whenever you asked for this ‘gap’. This is exactly the time when you know it’s over. No, you’re not his girlfriend…nor his lover…you’re just a friend who always stood beside him during his lows..who crossed those extra boundaries just to make him feel special. You went out of box everytime so that he doesn’t have to face any problem. And this is you…standing all alone here. Coz you have secluded yourself from the world…coz you have stopped making friends just to secure his place…coz your life revolves around him.

Love becomes an illusion. You the only person you care for, the only person who means everything to you is asking for your leave. You expected him to hold you and never let you go. Alas, illusions never become reality. And this is THE reality. Right in front of you. Standing…..laughing at you and your stupidity coz you have no escape now but to burn yourself each day with this thought that you never meant that to him. That you were just an option. That once again you got beaten up by your destiny. That all those people who asked you to live for yourself was right….that at the end we all are human beings….and at the end there is a purpose of everyone to be in your life and for you being a part of their life. Once the purpose is over…you’ll be thrown out.

Oh dear girl! Understand….this is how life is…this is how people are…and this is what destiny has planned for you. Moving on is nowhere an option. You are too vulnerable to do that. So, penalize yourself now by standing here…alone and see a part of your body going away from you. This is what you deserve at the end. This is your punishment of trusting people..of giving them a place above yourself in your life…of letting them know what place they hold and then giving you a life where you have to burn yourself in the agony. Coz they won’t live with you and you can’t live without them.

And again it’s back to square one!!!!

An addiction worst than drugs!

Sometimes you just want to talk…on any issue…talking nonsense…things that had happened..things that could happen…things that could never happen. You want to talk because you want to be with that one voice which is on another side of the phone. You talk because you want to feel that voice is with you late at 3’o clock in the night.Coz you want to believe there is something in this world which seems to be yours for sometime. How stupid that may sound…how void this feeling of belonging to someone may be...how unreal this world of fantasy may look...no matter what impossibilities you’re trying to defend…what never fulfilling expectations you’re having in your heart…but for that time…everything just seems alright. Though you know the moment you’ll put the phone down the reality would creep in…making the situation more complicated and hard to handle..you know the serenity which you feel listening to that voice…the other side is just trying not to make you feel bad for the ‘some value’ you hold there. It pinches sometimes…the unnecessary burden you put on that side. ..but then even you are helpless….to the addiction…to the habit of listening to the voice everyday….each night. I wish there exist some rehab for this addiction too….it’s more injurious than drug! Trust me! It leaves you nowhere. With no choice…with no capacity to think or react! And the problem is…with each passing day to start hate to love and love to hate this feeling…this weakness of yours!

Little Girl...she once was!

She is no more a naïve, innocent girl of small town, burdened with traditions..customs and ethics of this fake society. She is no more a girl confined with rules set by others. She is a grown up woman today. A woman who live life on her own terms. She smoke, she drink, she hang out with her male friends. She doesn’t seek permission of anyone to live her life. People may call her spoiled…rebel..bitch! She’s loosing on emotions..she has lost relations and is still losing. Her friend list ends even before the counting starts. She cared…she cares a little today…soon a day will come when she’ll stop caring completely. She has learned the rules of living life.This world have always been harsh to her….it has snatched the most lovable toy when she was a kid, it has snatched her best friend when just started learning the meaning of ‘friend’…it has snatched her love when she learned what love is…it has made her cry…cry out loud with no one around to listen. It has snatched the people closed to her. This is not the way she used to be…cold, numb. This world has made her this way. She has always cared…always loved…always given her best in every relations..friendship, special someones, love….every relation. But what has she got in return? Humiliation? Agony? Pain? And blame of being insensible?

Today, she is just a soul caged in a body….with no love for anyone. Not even for herself. She has lost the zeal to live life. She has lost the excitement to look herself up into the mirror. The fun of meeting new people and making new friends. Soon, she’ll isolate herself from everyone. Soon…she’ll be a story….a bygone for everyone.

Heart and those stupid things!

It’s been around two months since I have been here. 2012 started with no kindness and good sign for me. Dad’s heart attack affected a large part of my life. Whole February passed by running between hospital and college. I was already striving hard to get a life and getting things back on track when this all happened. March started off with lots problems again. Not a single day passed with new challenge.

I wrote lot of scattered words in these two months. Words I felt was all mine…moulding, moving in the directions exactly where I want them to. My brain is vouching for serenity..for peace. My heart wants some love. But the surroundings are just in the opposite direction. I am loosing it all. I spend days thinking what went wrong between me and him(the only person I love today, he’s not my lover but the only one I care for today)…My nights have become prisoner of my thoughts. I don’t remember when I last took a sound sleep. I wake up every night and sit…thinking…what? I have no clue. I become blank most of the times. I cry coz I feel suffocated with my thoughts. The dejection has become a part and parcel of my life. My eyes have become permanently swollen. The charm and charisma has faded.

I feel I stand nowhere amidst this world. Hold no position in anybody’s life. Not even his. I have messed up his life as well with mine. I can tolerate everything and anything but to see his life effected by my deeds. I have become a repulsive person. And hence, the only way I see to make atleast his life normal is to exit from his life silently. So that he can have life minus one stupid person.

I don’t know how much my absence is going to affect his life. But I want peace in his life atleast. It’s hard to think of a life without him. But when it comes to his happiness…even this is acceptable. He is like air to me..my driving force..my reason to smile. But I believe my work in his life is done now. And my presence would do nothing but add disaster in his life. Maybe he too wants the same.

I have been spending sleepless nights. Last 1 week was more than a nightmare. I spend a whole night writing words after words…scattered all over my bed. I wrote on anything and everything that came my way….registers…papers…wordfile..draft messages. All over and everywhere. Torn sheets, scattered words, swollen eyes…that was the night.

I get a pang everytime I think of our last talk yesterday night. And one thing become very clear…I have lost that place in his life. But he is and will always remain the only person in my life who has reached a place where no one can ever reach…not even close to that. My heart weeps every second ,thinking of days without him. But, if that’s what make him happy…it is welcomed. His words pinch me like a needle on a wound.

I have spoiled my life till now and may ruin it completely after this. This is an end…end of a lifetime journey!