Pause

The only thing about today and yesterday is that nothing has changed. From the last few days I feel like life has come to a pause. Everything around is still. Not a single movement...movement of emotions, of people, of things…nothing. The door that I closed few days back is still closed. Nobody came in and no one went out. No, there is no peace around..but no mayhem too. I am not happy, neither sad. Numb? Maybe! Life was running too fast that I am actually ok with this stillness for sometime now! I have abandoned few things, few people, and few emotions from my life. …and I am neither feeling bad nor happy for that. I feel that has to happen. Everything has a life of its own…and after that you have to leave that..for good or for bad..you are no one to judge that. Sometime we should not challenge the rule of nature. For now…I am reading a lot…music keep my nights occupied and spending lots of time with myself. I try and keep my mobile away from me these days. It’s very distracting. No calls..no messages. I don’t call any friend to accompany me for a coffee or shopping..I do it alone. I roam..I shop..I watch movies..and I do all this alone. Well, not alone actually..I have me with myself all the time. And it’s kind of very satiating. I find it hard to cry these days…no anger even! That’s good for a change. I realize the lesser I interact with people, the more contented I feel. And even when I feel this need to talk..I talk with strangers or to the people who know very little about me. I am also planning to move out of this city very soon. I want to start again from point zero and want to go in a place where people don’t know anything about me except for my name. And rest they’ll know what I want them to know! Plans they are…hoping to implement them soon!

Innocence of your face. Naughtiness in your eyes. Unsaid words on your lips.

              Intensity of your voice. Potency of your words.

                   Your fragrance. Your mysterious aura.

                 Oh…I am falling for you! I am falling for you!

People I meet- II

I have this habit of making perceptions about people I meet. I sometimes make perceptions without even talking to that person. Seldom has my judgment proofed to be wrong. I am not bad at judging people if I am not too good either. Many people say that it’s not a good habit…to judge people. But this is something which comes naturally. I don’t have to put any effort for that…and I don’t see any problem also.

But when my perception about a person change…it makes me think..think too much that I realize I was taking this person just opposite of what he/she actually is. It’s always like this…either 100% correct or 100% wrong..no going in between.

Yesterday I was talking with this guy whom I met few months back. His first impression on me was not good. I took him as a very arrogant and sarcastic person. I never saw him talking with people. The only thing he could talk is sarcasm. I did not like him much as a person but there was something very attractive about his aura. His confidence and the way he speaks. I would say he was the only boy who could speak his mind in the crowd and I always like this attitude…but talking to him was against my ego. Few days later I realized we actually were talking..during GD’s offcourse. From his FB profile I came to know that he is a Mass Comm student and is into a relationship. Frankly speaking that took me by surprise coz to be into a relationship for a person like him is quite strange. Perceptions I know!

Later we shared few talks and I realized there exist a different person beneath this arrogant and sarcastic person. After that whenever I talked with him, my realization became more and more strong. And last night we talked for quite sometime. I told him about what I thought of him during our first meet. I was right. He is actually two person caged in one body. I knew that already. And when asked about me..he said almost the right things about me. He is quite an observer. Yes..I am arrogant..not much now though..I used to be once..but those little shades of arrogance still exists. I don’t like being defeated and I talk my mind. I sometimes like proving other wrong with my arguments. Yes, I am in little pain too. And above all I am a woman. Woman who likes to dominate…who don’t seeks permission of others to speak or do things. Yes, he was right. Somehow, I felt I have lost these things somewhere…but listening these traits after long made me feel good in a strange way. I realized there still exist that spark in me…it’s just that it has become dim…and I will make it shine again.

Do you believe in Omens??

Do you believe in omens? Have you ever felt that there is something this superpower wants you to do? Some signs? I won’t say I believe in them but yes I could feel its presence around. The people I met, the books I read, the things I saw and talked about in the last few days gave a hint of something I always wanted to do. This is not the first time I felt this thing…these signs were always there..around me. Sometimes I chose them and sometimes did otherwise. But this time, these signs are very strong…so strong that no matter how much I avoid them, they are always here, coming in my way all the time. It’s not that I don’t want to follow them..it’s just that this path is not certain and I am scared to follow it. I am scared of what will happen tomorrow…will I be able to stand by my decision? Will the decision would proof to be right? Will I be able to actually do what I want to and will this path lead me to my ultimate destination? I know it’s a decision hard to make..I know every decision has its P’s and Q’s…it has the risk factor involved with it..but the risk here is too high to gamble. I am not sure which way I am going to choose..what decision I am going to make..coz this one decision is going to decide a lot in my life. ..and this time I want to make it my way!

Shocks and Surprises!

It’s been quite a while since I wrote something. This wasn’t a writer’s block but life was sort of hectic and busy for a change. Lot of unexpected things happened. Few surprises followed by few shocks. Life always compensate with what it gives from what it takes.

Starting with the surprises..I got a chance to have a little but quality talk with the person I am an admirer of..Neelesh Misra. One of the best storyteller and a person who always follow his heart. There is some strange way in which you connect with the people around. I say it often that this world and I are not going well together. We still don’t. But I feel myself connected with two-three strangers around. I have never met them…never had a real talk with ..besides knowing their name and few basic things I know almost nothing about them..still I feel connected with them.

Coming to the second surprise..I met few old friends few days back. I was shocked to feel that I don’t feel that same excitement and happiness meeting them after such a long time. These people were once my best of friends. I realized not only things but I too have changed. To what extent I still don’t know!

Things are not going on track for quite a sometime now. I have exhausted myself with all the efforts but sometimes you can’t challenge what’s already written. And now, despite all the wrong goings, pathetic downs..I feel a strong faith somewhere deep inside my heart that things will get fine one day.I feel that this is just a bend and not the end. That somewhere something has already been planned for me and that would be the thing I am best at. With few seconds of lost faith I rejuvenate from inside and my heart says things will get fine.

I won’t discuss the shocks here. Those were real bad memories. I wish to have a selective memory delete button. Having good memory is a blessing in disguise!

And not to forget, the last post "Relationships and me " won Blogjunta Editor's award!" It too was a small surprise! :-)

Relationships and Me!

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I have always faced disappointment and hurt in relationships. From the time I was a kid till today…relations have done nothing good to me. Not once! I have always valued relations more than anything in my life..friends, mentors, love , special someone. I have done more than required to keep them alive..loved them with all my heart, compromised lot many times to make them happy. And at the end what all I get in return is humiliation, backstabbing and lies. I have always trust people and they have always proved me wrong. People, whom I considered the best in my life, defamed my belief on them. Not a single relation in my life..not a single friend in my entire tenure ..turned out to be honest and faithful.

And today, if someone asks me with whom I am close or who holds a special place in my life…I say,’ No one! ‘. Yes..it’s no one today on whom I can rely. I don’t have faith left in my heart. I am tired of these lies. I am tired of broken trust and relationships. I cannot carry the burden of false relationships anymore. This has been so devastating an experience that today I cannot trust my own shadow. I think thousand times before taking a decision. I have lost faith in myself. I doubt every decision of mine. I doubt my ability to do anything. I just don’t want to talk with anyone now. I don’t want to know anyone. I want to get lost somewhere. I need silence. I don’t want to listen to my own heart and mind.

I am done with my share of relationships. No new relations now..no new friends..no old friends either! For now..all I need is complete silence. I want to live alone for a while. Or may be from now on, I want no one. I am over with the dose of sick sympathy and fake smiles.

True, relationships and I are not meant for each other!


... This pic has nothing to do with the post!

...and this never ending craving!