Roomies :-)

And my second roomie too got committed today. I am happy for her. Not because she got committed but coz she’s happy. Happy coz she has found someone with whom she feels special…for whom she can smile from heart…with whom the world looks beautiful. Sigh….these initial stages are the most beautiful part of a love-relation…and probably the only part lovers miss at the later stages. I wish she never miss the charm and magic of these days…and this special factor remains ever in her relationship.

And oh yess…..we celebrated….dinner, dance and then some ‘high’ time. And we laughed….I laughed…laughed so hard that tears rolled out from my eyes..phewhhh….I don’t remember when was the last time I laughed so hard. In all it was a good-good day. Now both my roomies are in relationships. And I am happy for both of them. We differ in ages…ideologies…but we complete one another. We laugh like insane….eat anything and everything….talk on any damn silly topic….shout, tease, cry…but we always support one another!

This post is for you ‘Rajnigandha’ 
God bless you both!

For you....For 'US'!!

This is not love. But some feeling more pious yet so frustrating. Knowing that the stage is over. Knowing that things have changed.More than friendship yet less than love.

Relations have taken a backseat in my life…still there is one thing I am scared of…losing you at this stage is unaffordable. You know it..don’t you? Things for me are always at their extremes. Either I love someone like insane or that person doesn’t exist for me. There is no going in between for me.

Today I have reached a stage where no one can hurt me…coz for that, a person needs to get close to me…he needs to cross the boundary that I have created around me…a boundary where no one is allowed to enter…neither new nor any old monk. But there is he and he who remain inside. In all these four years of friendship, facing so many ups and downs, between all fight and tears…I was always sure of one thing..that things will get fine! I always knew they will. Then why today I am not sure of it? Why today the feeling of you being always there has vanished? What has happened that has changed so much between us? We still have the same bonding…same level of care and concern for each other…same ‘best buddy’ feeling…then??? Maybe the level of possessiveness I have for you is the problem. Maybe the extreme level of expectation from you and only you is the culprit. But what can I do? You’re the only thing I own today….how can I let you slip through my fingers? How can I share you?

I know this is insanity…I know this would do nothing but add complications….and hence the distances I am trying to create…for you…for me….for our friendship! I don’t want to be a known stranger again! I don’t want to end where I can put a pause and start again. I am giving myself sometime to ponder and to come out from my obsession. I need time but I still expect you to be by my side….I hope you will!

Redefining relations!

I wonder if is it too easy to let go? Why people always say to let go of things and move on? Am I too weak or are they too strong to let go of things so easily?

I want to let go of few relations from my life. It is said that everything in this world has a life of its own..and nothing is for eternity. True they are! A point come in every relation when you feel the magic is lost and you have nothing left to say or share. A saturation point has reached where there is no space to add any new thing in it. I am not sure but think that at this point you should let go of that thing to save it from being worst. I am not brave enough and pretty scared to take this decision…coz those few relations are like my lifelines…but….but this but remains!!

I usually know the reasons and things which disturb me…but this time the situation is different. Even after asking millionth time to my conscious and subconscious mind that what it that’s disturbing me from the core…but I am not getting any answer! Why suddenly I am feeling this need to get secluded from attachment, emotions, few left over relations. Why this need of being isolated has emerged from somewhere. And oh…this urge is pretty strong!

I feel that no one matters for any one here…that everyone is playing a game and that even relations are nothing but a mutual beneficial contract between people. I want to be wrong here but this is what I feel…and I can’t change the feeling. The few drops of love that was left , for few left over people in my life, has dried up. I wish I could make it flow again inside me..but I know that the stage has passed and I have come a long way to make things fine.

I don’t know for how long I’ll be able to carry these relationships…for how long I can keep myself convinced that there are people who care…who love….for how long I’ll be able to pretend that everything is fine!

I wish I can! Wish I could!

Nothing Lasts!

Every good thing comes to an end. And with my life…good things hardly come…and even when they do…they stay for such a brief time that by the time I realize they are there, I find them gone! Relations, happiness, smile, love…almost everything! I always said that I may not be lucky in love relations but god blessed me with some beautiful friends. I always said I am blessed to have atleast one such person in my life whom I know will remain with me forever. But, my life is not that kind to me. How can anything be forever when I know nothing lasts ever?

Yes, I am hurt today! Hurt coz my heart wept in a way it never wept before…coz I cried like I never cried before…coz the last drop of love I have for that special person is lost….coz I have almost lost the last relation I have in my life…coz I know there is nothing left to feel happy of…coz I know I have nothing left inside me now…coz I am alone and not isolated…coz the differences has start talking….coz my eyes are tired of waiting…coz I miss old times…coz I miss to love and being loved…coz I miss my giggles and laughs….coz I miss those 2 am phone calls and endless, senseless talks with you….coz I miss your care and concern…your teasing, your ways of making me smile. Coz I hate these differences between us….coz I miss “US” and being your ‘bestest’ buddy…coz I know those moments would never come again…coz I miss your presence in this strange city…coz there is no one who says “I am there”…coz I know things will never be same between us now…coz everything seems so fake around…coz you made me realize the last thing I wanted from you “Nothing lasts”

Just for three days!

Why sometimes we have to pretend that we are living..when in reality we are just breathing! Can’t we live just three days in a way we want to! Yes, I want to live only for three days. And when I say LIVE I mean not only to breathe but to live without feign happiness. I don’t remember when was the last time I laughed my heart out…last time I felt really good about myself…last time I felt love beneath my heart for someone…even for myself…last time I cried like a baby. Today tears just roll down and heart doesn’t care to ask the reason…today I just smile when lips are unaware of happiness. Love, affection, care are just words with no meaning. I thought new place would change this attitude of mine…but I was wrong. This is the way I have become and this is the way I always will be! People….they are just faces for me now…with names but no meaning in my life.

Do I want to be like this? No! I sometimes hate this cage of isolation and curse myself for doing this…for creating this strong circle around myself where no one is allowed to enter! I want to feel the freshness of rain on my face….the cool breeze of air…calmness of moon…beauty of flowers…just for three days…I want to live without regrets…without fear of losing anyone…without ifs and buts...without thinking about anyone but myself!

Am I asking too much? Just three days of living!