Last Night!

I do not believe in God. I do not believe there live someone up there with any physical form. Yet I believe there do exist some superpower…formless…shapeless...nameless. And that superpower lives within all of us…who carries this whole universe on his/her shoulder. Many of us feel its presence in early stages of our lives…and for others…they never realize something like this has its existence anywhere around or within.

Last night was one such experience for me. In all these months I did not find a single tear in my eyes. Despite all the disasters and hiccups going in my life…I thought I have forgotten crying. But last night, tears couldn’t stop flowing for no particular reason. I did not cried coz of the life I live. This life is my choice. I hardly talk with anyone. Number of missed calls on my phone is much more than the number of received calls as I don’t feel like picking up the phone. There are numerous unanswered messages in my inbox. Every weekend I sit all alone in this room thinking what I have done with my life, still ,not for a second I feel bad about it.

But last night I cried. Not because of the life I live, but because I could not control what’s going inside me. I cried coz I fail to understand what’s wrong with me? Coz even after pouring my heart out in every relation from being a kid to this stage of my life, I still stand alone. I cried coz sometimes it’s hard to live with people so occupied with love. What will you do when people you live with, people you talk with everyday, your circle…all is full of people madly in love? And you know you’re the only one who doesn’t belong anywhere here. It’s sometimes suffocating and irritating…these surroundings.

I did not sleep whole night..pondering…sobbing…finding escape…until morning when I realized this is me. And this is the way my life is. I can love someone but cannot live with him all life. I can fall in love but cannot carry a relationship. That, relationships and me are two poles which can stand opposite to each other but can never meet. The kind of love I believe in and the type of care I shower turns into shackles sometimes for the other person. And hence I try and keep a distance from it. Relationships.

For I believe…and today I am sure of the thing…that relationships and me are just not meant for each other. And, all the above said things are actually echoed words of my heart . Do you call it voice of superpower? Well, I do!

A Lot like Love!

The path I have choose is risky..very risky. I could not see any fate of this journey. A little mistake and I could lose all that I have earned so far. But it’s irresistible you know…the journey..the company. Addicted I am…to the fragrance..the voice. Love the way I smile for no reason…when suddenly my hyperanger is converted into a stupid giggle..when my archive folder has got texts to make me smile.No expectations with the future…when today is what we live in…when thing sounds beautiful without names. It makes me feel that I am still alive..I still own a heart that beats…that cares...that feels not only its own pain…but pain of his heart. This whole world out there has ceases to exist for me. Coz today, no one matters…to an extent…yes no one! Suggestions, advices are no more entertained here. Coz this is the way I have made my life…this is the way I have become…this is the way I love to be. Even if I lose the only thing I have today, I would be glad I met life..that I once had the thing which was mine.. for all the time it was with me. I could confess the madness..but it will ruin the freshness and the magical feeling I possess today.

Yes, it’s not love…but loving without expectation.

The rule of 'Power and Dependency'!

That thing in your eyes is not water…tear is just a name given by people who love to define things. They love defining each and everything…giving names to people, relations, feelings! The thing without name does not exist for them. For them life is clear…crystal clear with defined terms, known relations, already discovered feelings. Reason they find in everything we do. Logic is the word they run after. Logic to love someone…reason for that drop in your eyes…cause of the pain you are going through..name of the relation you share with someone. This world out there is full of practical people. They live life with pragmatic approach. They are with you when they need you….the moment the interest ends…the bond is over. They call it mutual beneficial society. As per them people come together…build relations…and even marry for some reason. They seek some benefit out of every interaction..every strand of relations and so called ‘love’ they have for the other person. It is like you are my friend because I possess something which you lack and I will act in a manner you want coz I am a weakling here.. The rule of ‘Power and Dependency’. You dominate coz I am dependent on you. And I will act in a way you want coz you hold the ultimate power. Now the game is in the hand of the one who dominates. Not because he has that quality ..but because he is ‘practical’. He knows how to define terms…how to give names. And the poor or rather nincompoop dependent is a slave. Not because he is weak…but because for him love hold no terms. It is undefined. Selfless.

The race is on….between the dominant and the dependent. Who do you think will lose? The answer lies within all of us! The ‘TRUTH’ behind this lie!

A year that was- 2011

I read the post I wrote on 31st December 2010..and to my surprise when every blogger was busy hitting keys ..writing posts for the last day of 2011…I did not even realized or got this urge to write something for the year which just passed by. But reading that post made me realize one thing….that things have changed…drastically. I remember writing a note for ‘him’ and for the other ‘woman’. It made me smile today…that post..the words..and the love I HAD for him. 2011 was a roller coaster ride for me. Things changed, people changed, relations changed….and I changed..as a person. I won’t say I have become more mature or something…but yes…I certainly know a little more as to how to deal with this thing called “Life”. No no no ….Don’t get me wrong. I still commit disasters in my life….I still make blunders….I still cry like a baby sometimes….but I also have learned to smile…to handle those disasters and to face those blunders. I have grown a bit….as a person. I lost some beautiful people also…some walked away…and from some…I had to walk away!

Today, I don’t regret his absence. His walking away made me meet with a beautiful person…from whom I learned what true friendship is. Even if he won’t stay in my life forever…I would be glad I met a person like him in this journey.

This year certainly made me realize true worth of few relations. As I moved away from my home town…my nexus with few friends grew quite strong. Yes, I write crap sometimes stating I am all alone and all…but I know these people would always stand by my side whenever I call them. And, after all, end is inevitable. We cannot hold a single hand and walk all the way of this journey with them. Someday, we all have to walk alone…we have to face life alone. But I am blessed to atleast have such people in my life…though very few….but I have! I owe them.

I realized value of my family like never before. Specially my dad. He is a true rockstar for me. I love him and I am blessed to have a father like him. I know for every girl his father is the best. But, Dad you…You are best of the Dad. He is the person who loves me the most on this earth (and in heaven…it’s my grandfather  ).

In all, 2011 was a year mixed of emotions! No great thing achieved though…but definitely few great realizations!

With this...a very happy new year to all my blogger friends!