A person I never want to be!

I have been writing a lot these days. Writing whatever coming through my mind…incomplete, scattered, all over my diary. Yes, I have started writing diary again. Not that I write everyday of my life there…but yes things that I want to remember that happened…things I want to keep with myself all my life long. The way my life has turned into a phase where everything around is just going out of control including myself! I have totally lost control over myself and my people around. But the point is, there is no sense in controlling things now…I have been trying to do it for quite sometime now and I could not see an ounch of improvement in anything around. Perverts will remain perverts, people who actually care will keep on doing so….and during this time…many true colours emerged.
Today, this pain has become unbearable. For there is no other way to bear the pain, to get back the life that used to be, to smile without efforts, to breathe without suffocation, to look into mirror and does not find a stranger standing, to feel for once, to laugh for once or smile atleast, to be.......JUST ME!!
I need a break…from everyone around…from everything. It’s time to make few decisions…few steps need to be taken. I don’t know from where and till when I’ll be able to gather strength enough to stand by them…coz still there exist a part within me which still cares, which still cries for the loved once, which still seeks love….but it’s not worth it anymore….this love, this care, this concern!
I don’t know whether I have started hating the world or it’s the other way around….whatever it is….either it will destroy me or I’ll be a person I never want to be!

World against me or I against world!

There is this whole odd world out there..you know! Lots of things are happening around. Things you do not understand…things that scares you…things that bring the hell out of you….things you never thought could ever happen..things that were never meant to happen. But, this is life my dear. It gives you the worst gift in the best package and vice-versa.
There are things for which you fight with all your strength ,you know…you fight because that’s what you think is right and the only way to keep that thing with you. You try..put thousands of efforts coz you want it anyhow with you. And in this fight…you forget that there is life on the other side of the table, which is playing its own game. It’s own game of jealousy, distrust, insanity, greed and insecurity. And you…you are just a puppet standing at this side of the table. You want to fight with it? Can you? Haven’t you tried it already and still trying? What fool you have made out of yourself?
Stop. Take a break. Come out of the drama and look at things from above. Do you see what’s happening? Do you see where you have been befooled? Do you realize what value you lost in this battle? Do you realize what part of has been lost in this mess? Do you still want to fight? Do you still trust that world is not a selfish place? That people are with you just because of their benefit and not because they actually care? That love is just an illusion. And aren’t you with people for your own benefit? This is a ‘mutual benefit society’ we live in. We are here for our own motives and they are for their own. Haven’t you seen your day to day losing value in the life of the people you love? You know why? Coz your work in their life is complete…coz the things which you could do for them is over now….and so is your place…and so is your value. Take a deep look and realize that you can’t fight destiny…you can’t fight lie…you can’t fight with people you love. Let it be now! Leave the things as they are…coz if you have to fight so much…they are not worth being with you…and if they really are your’s..then you have fight enough to keep them with you!
Let the drama get over…let the world moves as it wants to be…let the things as they are…let them decide for they want you or not…stop losing yourself…stop being an option for them….do not give yourself up so easily for them…live with your dignity…coz if they can’t respect you as a person…if your words doesn’t hold any value…then it never will…and you’ll always remain just a topic for them to discuss.
Come out of the Drama and look for another dimension.

The battle of trying to be strong!

You know it is very awkward and strange when you have known a person for so long and suddenly you see a stranger in his eyes. You feel as if you never met this person before. You’re trying to identify what changed and what went wrong but every time you put a step forward, that person put three steps backward. You know all the lies and you know the ignorance and avoidance. Still you try to make things normal as you don’t want to lose on relation once again. You try to be strong and act strong when actually you are dying every second inside. You feel like a fool coz you know all his lies and he thinks he is able to befool you. You do not say anything coz you still trust him and expect that once day he’ll state the truth. But you also know that once the game of ‘lie’ starts…it’s rare that the things get fine and the game ends anytime soon. Coz once a liar, always a liar. You still wait for the day..and in this battle of making things right..not you…but he loses the ‘real’ you…he loses the care and love…he loses the true relation . But what kind of relation it is that needs to be managed so much? What kind of bond you were so proud of when there are only lies in it now? Till when you will pretend and feign that things are fine…that you are strong…when you know nothing is and maybe will never be.

That little thing in my heart is lost!

There is void all around. Nothing seems to make any meaning. No reasons, No justifications can make me breathe like before..make me feel like before. Maybe the words have lost their value or maybe I have lost something very important deep inside. Feels as if I laugh vague…I smile vague. I feel incomplete…empty inside.
Maybe this was the phase I was scared of. This was the emptiness I was running from. Till yesterday, I had atleast one assurance that no matter what happens..you will always be beside me…like you always had. But this one month was more of a self-hatred period for me. Coz apart from the world..it was you whom I have always believed and still do..but that little thing in my heart has lost..that little love and trust…I don’t know where it has gone. We are not lovers…we can never be…we don’t have any future together..it could never be…but the place you have is so special that no one can ever take it.
I don’t know whether things will ever become same….I don’t know if I would ever be able to share things like before or you could do the same for that matter. Coz the boundaries has been raised..coz the distances has been made…the same love is there..but the bond is lost. I may talk to you..smile at you…look into your eyes…but I know that little thing in my heart is lost.
I pray every night to not make me that cold-blooded person for you as I am for the whole world around…coz only your words could keep me warm…coz only your eyes could make my eye blink…coz only you could make me and my heart weep…but things have changed…for good or for bad I don’t know…the only thing I know is that the little thing in my heart is lost!

This is mine! All mine!

Coz love is such. Pain is such. You take them as your own. It lives with you, resides within you..all the time. Why do you cry then? Do you really want to free yourself from love? From pain? Do you want them to leave you? That’s the reason you are alive today. That’s the reason of you sitting in front of this screen and typing words after words without even looking up at the screen. Coz this pain and this love are your driving force. Why are you ever ashamed of it? Of writing about it? This is what keeps you going…keeps you breathing. Why crave for living then? Accept it…this is yours…or better say , only this is yours…your own. No one will ever snatch it from you..nobody wants it u know…’your pain’. Live with it…die for it. What are you scared of? Their questions? What they will think? Since when they started to matter? Since when they started to influence you? Stop. Think. And move on. This is not your world but this place…this place right here is yours. Live for it. Dammit. Live for it.